Search This Blog

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Spring brings mixed feelings

For a while now I have been struggling with fear of the unknown .
I try to hold it back and distract myself but when I relax it pops up again .
I try to keep busy every day and the last days I have written lists on things to do that particular day so I wont forget .
Yesterday after work I bought springflowers and planted them in pots on our balcony and outside the house door.
Today my plan was to go shopping for clothes for spring and Easter but as it rained so heavy I decided not to go and was left with plenty of time to think ....

I feel like this grief is never ending , there is always something there to remind me of my loss.
As spring comes it normally is a very happy time for me but now its not the same as I keep thinking that last year in March we conceived and I was pregnant ....even if I didnt know about it then .
During April and beginning of May I was happy and looking forward to a new phase in life .
Little did I know about what was going to come .

There is all the small things that reminds me of what could have been ....when I went jogging last year at the same time I couldnt run as my boobs were so sore because of the pregnancy so I had to walk , now I can run without problem and it fills me with sadness thinking about it .
I see my very prego neighbour almost daily and cant help thinking why not me ?
Then I feel guilty for thinking like that as I am happy for her its just that Im sad for me and want it to happen to me NOW .

I fear the next two months as I dont look forward to my angleversary , Im so fed up with being sad and reminded about my loss ,oh how I wish it was just a bad dream .
I find it hard to be optimistic today , I fear what might be in the future .Will I ever get pregnant ?
What will I do if I wont ?
I always wanted to have children .
I know this fear is not fully realistic as I havent tried TTC for a year yet and thats the time you have to try before you are considered infertile , I have checked out my hormone levels and they came out normal .Hubby has done the semen test and we havent heard from the lab yet and yes I do have to call them on monday to ask but I assume it was normal as they would call if it wasnt .
So I have been proactive about my health . I should have a chance to conceive again as it happened before .
I know all this but sometimes I just panick and give in to despair : what if it will never happen ?
Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with those thoughts and it takes over my life and my logic thinking .

I want to walk this path with grace and I try hard most of the time but today I feel so helpless .
I hate TTC on demand , hate the charting wheré did the spontanous sex go ?
I feel so lonely somtimes as my husband doesnt spontanously talk about those things , its always me bringing up the subject : what will we do if we wont be able to conceive ?
And he just avoids the topic : " We can not think about that now he says we have to keep trying "
then Im left alone with my fear and my thoughts .
Why is he so different to me ?

I want to be my normal self : optimistic and active but I find it hard , will I ever be like that again ?
Oh this post is so negative but I wont stop it now as I want to write down my feelings as they are today , I dont want to try to be someone else : a happier version of myself.Here I want to be honnest .
At work I try to pretend that everything is ok , I smile and joke and yes many times it is genuine as I have good days too but it hard to keep smiling when you have a bad day.
Im happy that I have my job allthesame as it forces me to get out of bed and be active which I need sometimes .It gives me distraction.

I have been serching for words of hope from the Bible and my new mantra is " Dont be afraid " from John 14:27 " Peace I leave with you , my piece I give you .I do not give to you as the world gives.Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid "
This is what I repeat in my mind when waking up at night with bad dreams .
I need to stop being afraid and trust God that he has something good for me in the future.
Im working on this . " Do not be afraid " I wish my trust was stronger .I wish I could just delete the sadness and fear in me .
I am thinking about talking to a therapist , I called up a clinic and left my number to get an appointment and they tried to call me last week but I couldnt answer as I was busy at work .
Now I have to call them again this week.
Sorry this post is so sad .
I do have something nice to look forward to this Easter , my brother and his girlfriend are coming to visit us and I do look forward to that a lot .

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid

1 Peter 5:6-7
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

The blessed Lord condensed it all into one single message of eternal comfort spoken to the disciples on the Sea of Galilee, It is I, be not afraid. He is the antidote to fear; He is the remedy for trouble; He is the substance and the sum of deliverance. We should, therefore, rise above fear. Let us keep our eyes fastened upon Him; let us abide continually in Him; let us be content with Him. Let us cling closely to Him and cry, Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea (
his is whaTt the LORD says—he who made a way through the sea,
a path through the mighty waters...
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:16, 18-19

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Am I going crazy? a week in TTC-world

This week has been a rollercoaster pending between hope , dissapointment and back to hope again.
All this depending on the result on the OPK -stick.....
Monday: didnt think its the right time yet.... was still visiting my sister after helping her with the move, she got a horrible gastroenteritis so I took care of her , got her some groceries and cooked some soup .Came home late in the evening .Did the samba,mambo and so on with hubby just in case....

Tuesday: Felt good even if I didnt think it was time for ovulation yet ( Wednesday was the day according to charting calendar)
Went out with hubby to favourite Italian restaurant for pizza and antipasti after work : ) What a great preludium for TTC !
In the evening began to feel worse: The gastroenteritis probably was winter vomiting disease :(
Spent too much time in the bathroom that night..... did I mention TTC ? was I ever thinking about it ?

Wednesday: Knocked out , in bed with high temp ( Concerned about not being able to do the charting because of the fever )
My hopes down because TTC not possible when having gastroenteritis : (

Thursday : Still weak but better :) Desoriented because I couldnt do the charting properly, did I miss the ovulation day? ( Thinking ok it wasnt meant to be this month ) Depressed.....
WHEN will it work????

Friday: No I wont give up ....temperature still not high as after ovulation ....I try the OPK
OPK shows O :(

Saturday : Desperate ! One more OPK shows O , temperature still not up . Oh there is something wrong with me ! 3 days delayed ovulation ! my body is failing me ....why oh why ? depressed again...

Sunday : OPK -stick shows : ) !!!! Ovulation was delayed because of tummybug! Im exhausted from all the mind set on thinking this cycle is lost .
Have to readjust ....get into TTC mode .....GET INTO TTC MODE !
puh! .....
( Hubby must think Im crazy changing mood all the time and can you blame him? )
I need to relax !
How do I do ? How do I stop focuse so much on this ?
Is it possible ?
Give all the worries to our Higher Power ?
Im going to think about this the next few days ( I hope not the next few weeks....;) )

Friday, March 12, 2010

First post


I decided to start my own blog after hesitating for a long time .
Do I have something to say here ? Can I add something meaningful ?
I dont know , but today I feel I want to be able to share my thoughts and maybe get some feedback from others.
Blogging is new to me but I have followed my friends blogs here , friends that I have never met in real life but that I care about very much and that have helped me through so many hard days.
I have met them through the website " ourmiscarriage" that I found one day when I was very sad and down after suffering a miscarriage in May 2009 .I had a missed miscarriage at w 7 + 4 but I thought I was nearly 11 weeks pregnant at the time when it happened .This was our first pregnancy and it was so devastating to have the joy of pregnancy terminated .

Less than 3 months after, in early August 2009 , my father passed away.

The last year has been one of the worst in my life, the dreams I had for my life were crushed and I have cried a lot but at the same time my heart was filled with thankfullness and hope as I have got so much support and care from girls being in a similar situation .I never thought it was possible to get so much help from people you have never met in real life .
I consider it magic , or a gift from God .
I came to realize that the people that were closest to me , my family and my friends didnt know how to handle my situation , didnt know how to comfort me and I have understood that if you havent experienced a loss yourself its very hard to understand how it feels like for someone else.

Since the summer 2009 I have followed four beautiful woman through their journeys in life , woman that I met on the website " ourmiscarriage" and that have become very close to my heart ,to know them has made me a better person and has helped me to cope with my grief .
I am not a native english speaker but I still want to try to post in english as I want to be in touch with the wonderful people I have met .
Me and my husband are now trying to conceive again but it hasnt been as straight forward as I thought - nearly six months has passed since we started to try but still no positive HPT .
I try to stay patient as I know that sometimes it can take some time and we havent tried for a year yet but ideally I would want to see that plus sign ASAP....
I thank God for having met people that understand me and " walk" through this journey together with me even if our journeys are different .

Thank you Andrea ,Deni, Nancy and Shandrea for sharing your thoughts and giving me inspiration to stay hopeful and positive , you are the best friends I could have wished for.
You understand , you care to pick me up when Im down and you can make me laugh and make me see the positives .
I wish we could meet up on a regular basis and talk , laugh but also cry if we need to, I know we would enjoy eachothers company.
This is only a dream now as we live in different states and on different continents but I am so happy to know you and to be able to share my life and thoughts with you.

Love Angie