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Sunday, November 20, 2011

Catch up w 40 +2

Hi ,

I havent blogged during my pregnancy as I thought I would do .
Part of it is that I have a demanding job and commute to work for 50 min each way .This combined with pregnancy makes you tired and the extra energy dissapears .
I also think I was afraid to document this pregnancy in case something would go wrong , I just could take one day at a time to keep my sanity .
I realized looking at my blog that it has been a place for me to come and write when I was sad and down , to get things out .
I do want it to have a happy end though and I just want to say  that today I am still  pregnant  , w 40+2 . two days past due date .
The baby is fine as far as we know , its kicking as it should and all ultrasound -examinations were normal.
We decided  not to find out the sex as we want a surprise .
The baby can arrive anytime and we have bought all the things a baby needs -  it took me some time to get there but  we made it in the end .( It has been very hard for me to buy baby -clothes and I postponed it for a long time before I could enjoy   shopping the little baby.outfits .)
I am a little worried that I am now two days after due date but I know that its quite normal to deliver after due date  when its your first pregnancy .
I am going to the midwife tomorrow so we will see what she says .
I hope so much I will have good news next time I write  : )
hugs   Angie

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A new chapter in our lives

Hi ,

I have been absent from blogging for a while .
I guess I was just overwhelmed with what was happening and needed to rest  and proces it all.
Being pregnant and working plus commuting to work takes a lot of energy from me so  I have been too tired to blog to.
I have been thinking about if I should start a new blog  and start from scratch as this blog has been a place for grieving , a place to let out  my sadness , anger and frustration connected with our losses .
However I  have decided to continue here as  that was and in many ways is still a part of my life .
Even if I am pregnant now , I still remember what we went through before  and its a part of me .
I will always remember our two little angels and how it felt to loose them .

I am now almost 24 weeks pregnant ( on sunday )  and sometimes it still seems like a dream ...
Its hard to believe that this is my belly growing and there is a little baby kicking  and yesterday  my husband was able to feel the kick by holding his hand on my belly  : )
I have been afraid to bond to much with the baby before as I was so afraid something would happen again .
Since I started to feel the babys  movements at week 18  I have slowly bonded with it and I feel so much love when I feel a little kick in my belly .
I start to think that maybe this baby is meant to live as it is a miracle that it is alive  given the circumstance of the early ultrasound we did .
Every little kick fills me with love for this little person that I carry  but it also fills me with a little sadness as I feel guilty for not being able to bond with the baby immediately .
I think I am over this now and I love every little kick  that is so special and says to me " hello mummy I am alive dont worry "
I tolerate the pregnancy  quite well all together . I have gained about 12 kg already but I dont worry to much about it , I eat what I feel like eating but try to keep a healthy diet overall even if I find it hard to avoid sweet things totally ;)
I try to exercise by  walking almost daily and recently while being away on a mini holiday at a hotel with a spa and pool I discovered how wonderful swimming is !
It really takes away your extra weight and you feel " normal " while moving in the water : )
I am also doing pregnancy yoga which I find fantastic and very helpful for stretching out sore back muscles  and relaxing .I have a little lower back pain but  with the right shoes I am able to walk long walks even if I cant go for a half day shopping trip in town as I used to sometimes before .Now I get tired after a while and have to sit down and have something to drink and rest my legs ; )

We havent prepared the babys room yet but I am getting ready for it mentally by thinking about what color  I would like for the room and how to decorate it .
Soon I will also need to get clothes for the babys first weeks but I am not really ready to take that step yet.

I am on holiday this week too but then I am going back to work again .
From 19 th of September I plan to reduce my hours and work 3 days a week and I plan to stop working  in the middle of October which will give me one month " off " before the baby will be born as the EDD is on the 19 th of November .

I look forward to my " new life "  but its also a little scary as it brings so much change ....I dont know how it will be like not to work ...will I feel lonely when most people I know will be working ?

This week my sister is visiting so I am quite busy again and in August we are going to 2 weddings and I am looking for a suitable dress for  me so I need to do more shopping .

I wish you all a wonderful summer - love  Angie

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Turbo catch up - From heaven to hell and back again (misdiagnosed miscarriage)

Hi ,

Oh , where do I begin ?
The last six weeks have  probably been the most dramatic and overwhelming weeks in my life.

In  the middle of March we went on a holiday to Thailand as I wanted us to get some stress free time together in order to increase our chances of TTC .
I felt rather hopeless as TTC was really getting to me and  the trying for a child had become something unromatic " Do what needs to be done "  kind of thing .
I was close to giving up hope on conceiving naturally and thought that we try once more while on holiday and then call up the IVF clinic as we cannot wait anymore trying naturally.
So off we went and ended up in sunny and relaxed Thailand and basically slept most of the time the first 3 days.AF was later than I had predicted and it made me irritated as we now  probably would miss the right time for TTC while being on holiday which was not  part of the plan.
After a few more days still no AF and I began to suspect that Im am pregnant ....went for a test and it came out negative ( a strange Thai test that I was unfamiliar with but I assumed the 2 lines should appear as on our usual tests ; )   )
We  took a flight to an island to spend a week there  but I couldnt totally relax as I was wondering why AF didnt come after a few days waiting we got another test and ...............................
there was 2 lines !!!!   OMG !  I  had became pregnant before the holiday !
Oh and  thats  so much for all my planning.......
More stress because I had flewn so much  and had a long flight ahead of me on the way back home  ! WORRY WORRY ;WORRY   was I going to kill my baby with all the flying ?
Pregnancy after  loss is not easy and I know I will  probably never be my old sane self again....
Back home I couldnt get myself to call the midwife to enter the pregnancy program again  after having done that twice and then miscarried after .......I was just waiting , paralyzed , unable to upbring much hope   "holding my breath " 
.I couldnt even post on my blog because of the fear of another loss.
Week six passed and no bleeding and now I became more nervous as I miscarried  between w 7 - 8 before.
Finally I got myself to call the hospital to plan an early ultrasound only to talk to a horrible person who informed me that " even if you see a heart beat  there is no guarantee for the future anyway  " this after I just told her that I miscarried twice before at week 7 - 8 !!!!   (  I will tell you later how me and hubby handled this )
I was somehow prepared and calmly asked her if she is not up to date with the litterature in her area as I know that once you have seen a heart beat the risk of miscarriage decrease with 80- 90 %  and I got an appointment for that  ultrasound .
When the 5 th of April came  the U - day  we were extremely nervous. Hubby came with me and we were in agony while waiting for my name to be called .
The doctor was a stressed lady that was on call and she had a student there .When I denied him to make a gynecological examination on me she got annoyed  but went on to do the ultrasound  only to find a sac but no fetal pole .. ...
Our hearts sank as we heard this is a blighted ovum and I was offered cytotec to get rid of the tissue .....we were facing our third miscarriage.

I was shocked as this time I had no bleeding at all and had built up some hope to  get to see a tiny heart beat at week 7 +1 as I was then.
I decided I didnt want cytotec  as I took it the first time I miscarried and it led to a severe bleeding and I had to spend a night at the hospital which I didnt feel up to right now so I  said I want to go home and see if I will miscarry spontanously .
That week was the worst week in my life , I was grieving  my third loss and the loss of my dream to have children , I lost hope for a while and was lower than low and the same happened with hubby.We were devastated and our world totally collapsed .
The days went on , the weekend came and went and still no bleeding , I was considering going back to the hospital to get cytotec just to get rid of the tissue as it was mentally very hard to know there was a dead baby in me again.
. After six days I called up the clinic to get an ultrasound and go for the cytotec as I couldnt wait anymore for a spontanous miscarriage .
Hubby came with me this time too , on the 11th of April , and we got to meet a different doctor this time and asked questions on further testing to determine if there was a reason for our multiple losses .He said  : Lets make an ultrasound first and then we can talk .
I undressed and laid down and turned away my head from the screen and closed my eyes as I didnt want to see the dead embryo and a few seconds passed until I heard the doctors voice :  LOOK HERE WE HAVE GOOD NEWS  THERE IS A NORMAL FETUS MEASURING 8 w +1  AND THERE IS A HEARTBEAT !!!!
This was the biggest shock in my life !!!! I laughed and cried and asked him like 3 times if he is sure there is a heartbeat until he just  looked at me and said I wont say it again and shook my hand and welcomed me to the maternity ward in 7 months ......
We left the hospital in shock ............HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN ?
If I had followed the first doctors advice I would have aborted a living baby ..........
It was a shocking thought ......
I had been so close to terminate a healthy ( Please God ) pregnancy !!!!!And this because my doctor didnt want to wait a week and see  but recomended me to take cytotec based on one ultrasound  examination ! Knowing my age (37 then , now 38 ) and my previous history of two losses ....
This is at our university hospital ,  and is supposed to be one of the 5 best in the country .....
It took us a week to recover from the shock and then we decided to write a letter to the management of the clinic in order for them to investigate this and make sure they change their routines so that this will NEVER happen to someone else .
In that letter we also adressed the fact that we feel that people that have gone through miscarriage is a patient group that is largely neglected  by this clinic and we are asking for an improvement .
We got a short reply from the manager to confirm he received the letter  and are awaiting the final response  .

Im kind of still in shock after all that has happened , on Easter Sunday I got a bleeding which led me to go to the hospital again for an ultrasound as the private clinics are closed for Easter . Thanks God the baby was fine and measuring 10 w +1  which is a huge milestone for us as this is the furthest I have ever came in a pregnancy . Today I am 11 w +2  and I am waiting for the next milestone  on the 9 th of May - the genetic test and the end of the first trimester .
I have pregnancy symptoms like nausea and fatigue and my body is changing but I cant get myself to buy maternity jeans yet .....
I went in to the maternity section in a store and tried on some jeans twice only to leave it and get out of the store .....
I wish I wasnt like this but I am , I am still afraid to believe after all that happened .
Thanks God I have the pregnancy symptoms and my belly is already growing so that gives me a little reassurance but I know its not for 100 % sure ....
I try to live my life day by day and hope for the best  knowing that I am not in control of this , it is a higher power , this has been proven to me so many times now ....
It has indeed changed the way I look at life and it has changed me deeply .
Please pray for me and hubby as we need support going through this .

Love  Angie

Thursday, February 10, 2011

another BFN

Hi ,

I dont even know if I want to post this post .
I know this blog is my outlet of all " forbidden " feelings  like anger ,sadness ,depression ...
its all the feelings that I dont want to burden my near and dear ones with .
I WANT to cope well , I WANT to be balanced and do the right things but sometimes I just have enough of everything and thats when I write here ....

I hate that I feel guilty for having those feelings and often I  try to hide them and " move on"  and " be normal "   but then eventually I explode  like today when I got the second BFN this week

Im just so fed up !!! I hate this horrible pattern :   AF   - TTC on demand - nerve wrecking 2 WW and then the big dissapointment !!!!
Oh how I hate it !

I had so much hope for this cycle ....

I think Im giving up the idea  of conceiving naturally now and move on to IUI  but it doesnt come easy ....
I have always wanted to conceive a child in a romantic way .
I know so many people before me have done  ART  and its great that I have the opportunity to do  IUI / IVF  but yet its so hard for me to give up my dream.

In my mind I have decided that its time to move on and I will have to navigate a different path now .
Tonight Im having a glass of wine feeling sorry for myself , I hope tomorrow will be a better day .


Thursday, January 6, 2011

wow ! I feel better !!!! Blogging is healing .

I have posted a lot of sad  posts lately  but I wanted to be honnest about how I feel , this blog is not made to create a picture of how I would like to be but to write about how I really feel.
The last three days I have spent at home ( took some days off , and today is a holiday anyway here)
I didnt do much those days - I have spent hours reading blogs and reading my previous posts , looking at old photographs .
Some people would probably call it a waste of time but this is what I wanted to do and I decided to do what I want and need , to give myself some " me -time "
Somehow it  worked out well and slowly I began to feel better .
I found many inspiring  words on other blogs and my heart changed and I feel hopeful again.

Nothing special happened in my real life ....Im still in the 2 ww and pending between wanting to be pregnant and fear of being pregnant and risk another loss ...yet I feel more balanced and hopeful .
I am even thinking of what fun things I can do this year with or without being pregnant ...
I have only one life and I have to enjoy the things I can enjoy , not let my life pass me by and give in to depression.
I have to surrender to God and acknowledge that I have no control over this .
I have heard and read so many times that its good to give your pain and grief to God , to surrender and admit that HE is in control , not me, but it has been so hard for me .
I always thought that if I try harder , if I do more , learn more , become a better person  and so on then I can influence things
My therapist has also tried to show me that not everything that happens is in my control , but it has been so hard for me to comprehend as its scary to let go and acknowledge that over some things I  HAVE NO CONTROL....
The last few days I began to really SEE what this means .
It doesnt leave  me hopeless as I do believe in a higher power ,a God and while reading blogs I have came across wonderful bible texts that are so full of hope and this fills my heart with hope and a cautious joy .
Those texts  I have read  before  but I have never been able to fully embrace the meaning of  them  and feel it .
Now I can and its a miracle and all this is thanks to blogging and those wonderful people out there sharing their thoughts and insights .
I am forever grateful for all of you that have left comments for me when I was sad and down and struggling with my grief  all of you have contributed to the miracle of healing .

I guess I just moved on in the grieving proces that I hate and would like to skip but yet cant escape .
I really hate this grieving proces , I wish I knew  a way  to walk around it  but I dont  , you just have to let go and feel all you feel and let it shake you  until there is less hurt and sadness and you  are ready to move on .

I know that even if I hate the steps of the grieving proces , it has forced ,me to develop and become a better person  and I am so happy  and  grateful for all those people here in the blogosphere that I have met and that have inspired me .I know I wouldnt be the same person without you.
My blog has been a sad place the last few months but I hope I will be able to fill it  also with positive , hopeful and optimistic posts and I want to enjoy life to 100% again.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Do I dare to hope for a Happy New Year 2011?

I dont know how to start this post ...

First I want to wish everybody  a Wonderful  New  Year .
I hope that  the babylost mothers that are trying to conceive( one of them is me )  will go on to a happy and healthy pregnancy and have a baby to take care of  this year.
For those that are expecting a baby I hope and pray for a normal pregnancy and that you will welcome a perfect child to the world  this year.

To be honnest ,thinking about the New Year  fills me with both hope and fear ....
I would love to write about how positive I am  and how much I look forward to the new year but I cant help feeling fear too , will it really be better ?

What will happen ?
Will we conceive naturally as I wish to do or will we move on to IVF ?
Will IVF work ?
Will our relationship survive the pressure of infertility and TTC " on demand"

Immediately after writing this I realize how negative it sounds ....but how can it not when I look back at the last two years  and remember the loss of our first angel Adam , the loss of my father and  the loss of our second angel baby .
If somebody had told me this was going to happen to me lets say  5 years ago it would have been hard to believe , but here I am and I have survived all this.

It has changed  me forever and in my good moments I am proud of myself for having survived it .
I have grieved but I have also tried to live and keep myself busy and keep up a normality .
Today I looked through our photographs from the last two years and it was a strange feeling :
we have done " normal " things , we have travelled , we have had family gatherings , we celebrated Christmas and New Year this year too .
I look at myself on the photographs and I look " normal "  nobody can tell by looking a t me on the photograph that I have gone through so much heart-break the last two years:
I can still smile and look " normal "
The thing is that I am not " normal " anymore or maybe I should rather say that I am not the person I used to be .
I miss the person I used to be , I was happier then ...
Now I struggle to have hope when it used to come to me spontanously before ,
I used to take for granted that I was going to have a wonderful life , but now I´m not so sure ...I nearly expect another disaster in my life instead of expecting the good....
When I look at our photos from last year my life looks great : we have gone to nice places ,we have enjoyed meeting family and friends  and I know this is also a true picture and I am grateful for being able to do them - we have done many nice things but it is as I cant believe that I have done all that , that I am the smiling person on the photo...
In one way I wish I could forget about the last two years but at the same time they are now a part of me , insepereable .
I want to believe  that this year will be a good one , that I will eventually feel happy so much that it will take away the pain from the last two years .
I want to feel positive and optimistic thinking that now it should only get better....but  its hard for me to do ,there is always the little doubt that says " what if its not going to get better ? "

I am thankful that I spent Christmas and New year  on the 2 ww and still wait it at least gave me some space to hope and keep up my spirit.

I try to be proud of myself for making efforts to celebrate Christmas and New Year , to decorate our home , to host my family for Christmas and to get dressed up and go out to celebrate the New Year .
I hope it will be a good year this time .

                                         Ready to celebrate beginning of 2011
                                                   A sunny winter day (view from our balcony)

                                                   Christmas flower arrangement with angel
                                                   Flower arrangement to honour our two angel babies
After the snowstorm outside