tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14456185007380193212024-03-05T21:32:06.327-08:00LivinglifeAngie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-7700161242567273262012-01-05T09:37:00.000-08:002012-01-05T09:51:51.509-08:00Our happy end ! ( or Happy Beginning )Hi ,<br />
<br />
I´m not good when it comes to writing new posts .<br />
I hope you all had a good Christmas holiday and I wish everybody a very happy New Year 2012.<br />
<br />
I have intended to write but was to busy / tired caring for our little miracle baby Simon that was born on the 26 th of November 2011.<br />
<br />
I am so happy to be able to write such a wonderful , positive post .<br />
So happy and grateful to have been blessed with this miracle.<br />
The last two years when going through so much heartbreak , sometimes I wasnt sure if we were ever going to have a child ,some days I tried to prepare myself for a life without children .<br />
I was so happy when I got pregnant again , for the 3 rd time , but I was guarding my heart , I was so afraid of another heartbreak.<br />
I lived one day at a time and the weeks passed and my belly grew and the baby seemed to be fine and healthy on each checkup .<br />
I saw myself on photographs with a big , pregnant belly but somehow found it hard to believe it was me on that photo.....<br />
I tried both to embrace this pregnancy AND guard my heart so much of my pregnancy seems like a dream to me .....its sounds strange doesnt it ? <br />
<br />
Now I have this beautiful little baby boy at home and many times I have to pinch myself to understand that he is real , he is here with us , he looks at me , breaths , I am nursing him and holding him so close to my body , skin to skin , I can feel the heat from his little body and feel and hear every breath he takes .<br />
Its a miracle to see his little eyes looking at me .<br />
To look at him , his little hands , beautiful little face and blue eyes with long eyelashes brings tears to my eyes , I can sit and watch him forever ; ) <br />
I am so grateful and happy to be able to experience this .<br />
It is worth all the unglamorous sides of parenting which do exist of course , I want to be honnest ; ) <br />
But I am ready to give up myself for a while for this little boy and I know he will grow fast and this time will pass so fast ( he is soon 6 weeks ) <br />
I am able to breast feed him but I can see how its hard to make it work as you have to give so much of your time in order to nurse a baby when he wants it .It is hard at times but I am getting better at it and I am slowly getting into a routine so that I can have a few hours for myself too : ) going out for walks makes him sleep long : ) <br />
I have lost most of the weight put on during the pregnancy but still have about 5-6 kg left .<br />
Next week I will start training , going to mother -baby yoga : ) which sounds fun to me .<br />
Its not always easy to go out for walks with Simon as the weather is so bad here with lots of rain .<br />
I am positive I will get back into shape soon though and I am not too worried about it .<br />
I enjoy to spend time with Simon and cant get over how time flies ! <br />
He is soon 6 weeks and its time for the first visit to the pediatrician soon : ) <br />
He is growing very well after loosing some weight initially as I had an infection a few days post partum and had to go back to hospital to get treatment with iv antibiotics ( Absolutely not what you wish for after delivering a baby but we got over it ) <br />
Our life has been turned upside down but I wouldnt want to change back for anything in the world as it is so much worth it to have little Simon in our lives .<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqW64_tI_Mb_w1G0ogLbZZ6u4WvR3-QIaT5hjTqyC6z2u5sohGtL901thOnxsW4y1qhBaRIqCQri26tuMeNk_N2SxoyQj02H_yq5ajcaB7xSTyTCP4KYqLbbHrcejPVAoCoegzLsV7LhIP/s1600/CIMG3018.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqW64_tI_Mb_w1G0ogLbZZ6u4WvR3-QIaT5hjTqyC6z2u5sohGtL901thOnxsW4y1qhBaRIqCQri26tuMeNk_N2SxoyQj02H_yq5ajcaB7xSTyTCP4KYqLbbHrcejPVAoCoegzLsV7LhIP/s320/CIMG3018.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsCuyvcHnndcdjszxDi750F09qFkSf5cOJbqHl7CotMKiL9-1Q3dq8gSpdQXXYry6F1gBNplVQHU0mRC77f6G-uZuIq6qqvfp_HOsBS17Bh0aRfnKpC_ihYTfiqaK4B94VB9iruSDta0BP/s1600/DSC_0121.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsCuyvcHnndcdjszxDi750F09qFkSf5cOJbqHl7CotMKiL9-1Q3dq8gSpdQXXYry6F1gBNplVQHU0mRC77f6G-uZuIq6qqvfp_HOsBS17Bh0aRfnKpC_ihYTfiqaK4B94VB9iruSDta0BP/s320/DSC_0121.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>I look forward to see this little boy grow and all the fun we will have together .Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-2422321820460864532011-11-20T23:33:00.000-08:002011-11-20T23:33:36.763-08:00Catch up w 40 +2Hi ,<br />
<br />
I havent blogged during my pregnancy as I thought I would do .<br />
Part of it is that I have a demanding job and commute to work for 50 min each way .This combined with pregnancy makes you tired and the extra energy dissapears .<br />
I also think I was afraid to document this pregnancy in case something would go wrong , I just could take one day at a time to keep my sanity .<br />
I realized looking at my blog that it has been a place for me to come and write when I was sad and down , to get things out .<br />
I do want it to have a happy end though and I just want to say that today I am still pregnant , w 40+2 . two days past due date .<br />
The baby is fine as far as we know , its kicking as it should and all ultrasound -examinations were normal.<br />
We decided not to find out the sex as we want a surprise .<br />
The baby can arrive anytime and we have bought all the things a baby needs - it took me some time to get there but we made it in the end .( It has been very hard for me to buy baby -clothes and I postponed it for a long time before I could enjoy shopping the little baby.outfits .)<br />
I am a little worried that I am now two days after due date but I know that its quite normal to deliver after due date when its your first pregnancy .<br />
I am going to the midwife tomorrow so we will see what she says .<br />
I hope so much I will have good news next time I write : ) <br />
hugs AngieAngie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-77345214889794298002011-07-27T03:03:00.000-07:002011-07-27T03:03:56.073-07:00A new chapter in our livesHi ,<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I have been absent from blogging for a while .<br />
I guess I was just overwhelmed with what was happening and needed to rest and proces it all.<br />
Being pregnant and working plus commuting to work takes a lot of energy from me so I have been too tired to blog to.<br />
I have been thinking about if I should start a new blog and start from scratch as this blog has been a place for grieving , a place to let out my sadness , anger and frustration connected with our losses .<br />
However I have decided to continue here as that was and in many ways is still a part of my life .<br />
Even if I am pregnant now , I still remember what we went through before and its a part of me .<br />
I will always remember our two little angels and how it felt to loose them .<br />
<br />
I am now almost 24 weeks pregnant ( on sunday ) and sometimes it still seems like a dream ...<br />
Its hard to believe that this is my belly growing and there is a little baby kicking and yesterday my husband was able to feel the kick by holding his hand on my belly : ) <br />
I have been afraid to bond to much with the baby before as I was so afraid something would happen again .<br />
Since I started to feel the babys movements at week 18 I have slowly bonded with it and I feel so much love when I feel a little kick in my belly .<br />
I start to think that maybe this baby is meant to live as it is a miracle that it is alive given the circumstance of the early ultrasound we did .<br />
Every little kick fills me with love for this little person that I carry but it also fills me with a little sadness as I feel guilty for not being able to bond with the baby immediately .<br />
I think I am over this now and I love every little kick that is so special and says to me " hello mummy I am alive dont worry " <br />
I tolerate the pregnancy quite well all together . I have gained about 12 kg already but I dont worry to much about it , I eat what I feel like eating but try to keep a healthy diet overall even if I find it hard to avoid sweet things totally ;)<br />
I try to exercise by walking almost daily and recently while being away on a mini holiday at a hotel with a spa and pool I discovered how wonderful swimming is ! <br />
It really takes away your extra weight and you feel " normal " while moving in the water : ) <br />
I am also doing pregnancy yoga which I find fantastic and very helpful for stretching out sore back muscles and relaxing .I have a little lower back pain but with the right shoes I am able to walk long walks even if I cant go for a half day shopping trip in town as I used to sometimes before .Now I get tired after a while and have to sit down and have something to drink and rest my legs ; ) <br />
<br />
We havent prepared the babys room yet but I am getting ready for it mentally by thinking about what color I would like for the room and how to decorate it .<br />
Soon I will also need to get clothes for the babys first weeks but I am not really ready to take that step yet.<br />
<br />
I am on holiday this week too but then I am going back to work again .<br />
From 19 th of September I plan to reduce my hours and work 3 days a week and I plan to stop working in the middle of October which will give me one month " off " before the baby will be born as the EDD is on the 19 th of November .<br />
<br />
I look forward to my " new life " but its also a little scary as it brings so much change ....I dont know how it will be like not to work ...will I feel lonely when most people I know will be working ? <br />
<br />
This week my sister is visiting so I am quite busy again and in August we are going to 2 weddings and I am looking for a suitable dress for me so I need to do more shopping .<br />
<br />
I wish you all a wonderful summer - love AngieAngie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-33298089369648524442011-05-03T08:30:00.000-07:002011-05-03T08:30:04.118-07:00Turbo catch up - From heaven to hell and back again (misdiagnosed miscarriage)Hi , <br />
<br />
Oh , where do I begin ? <br />
The last six weeks have probably been the most dramatic and overwhelming weeks in my life.<br />
<br />
In the middle of March we went on a holiday to Thailand as I wanted us to get some stress free time together in order to increase our chances of TTC .<br />
I felt rather hopeless as TTC was really getting to me and the trying for a child had become something unromatic " Do what needs to be done " kind of thing .<br />
I was close to giving up hope on conceiving naturally and thought that we try once more while on holiday and then call up the IVF clinic as we cannot wait anymore trying naturally.<br />
So off we went and ended up in sunny and relaxed Thailand and basically slept most of the time the first 3 days.AF was later than I had predicted and it made me irritated as we now probably would miss the right time for TTC while being on holiday which was not part of the plan.<br />
After a few more days still no AF and I began to suspect that Im am pregnant ....went for a test and it came out negative ( a strange Thai test that I was unfamiliar with but I assumed the 2 lines should appear as on our usual tests ; ) ) <br />
We took a flight to an island to spend a week there but I couldnt totally relax as I was wondering why AF didnt come ......so after a few days waiting we got another test and ............................... <br />
there was 2 lines !!!! OMG ! I had became pregnant <strong>before </strong>the holiday ! <br />
Oh and thats so much for all my planning.......<br />
More stress because I had flewn so much and had a long flight ahead of me on the way back home ! WORRY WORRY ;WORRY was I going to kill my baby with all the flying ? <br />
Pregnancy after loss is not easy and I know I will probably never be my old sane self again....<br />
Back home I couldnt get myself to call the midwife to enter the pregnancy program again after having done that twice and then miscarried after .......I was just waiting , paralyzed , unable to upbring much hope "holding my breath " <br />
.I couldnt even post on my blog because of the fear of another loss.<br />
Week six passed and no bleeding and now I became more nervous as I miscarried between w 7 - 8 before.<br />
Finally I got myself to call the hospital to plan an early ultrasound only to talk to a horrible person who informed me that " even if you see a heart beat there is no guarantee for the future anyway " this after I just told her that I miscarried twice before at week 7 - 8 !!!! ( I will tell you later how me and hubby handled this ) <br />
I was somehow prepared and calmly asked her if she is not up to date with the litterature in her area as I know that once you have seen a heart beat the risk of miscarriage decrease with 80- 90 % and I got an appointment for that ultrasound .<br />
When the 5 th of April came the U - day we were extremely nervous. Hubby came with me and we were in agony while waiting for my name to be called .<br />
The doctor was a stressed lady that was on call and she had a student there .When I denied him to make a gynecological examination on me she got annoyed but went on to do the ultrasound only to find a sac but no fetal pole .. ... <br />
Our hearts sank as we heard this is a blighted ovum and I was offered cytotec to get rid of the tissue .....we were facing our third miscarriage.<br />
<br />
I was shocked as this time I had no bleeding at all and had built up some hope to get to see a tiny heart beat at week 7 +1 as I was then.<br />
I decided I didnt want cytotec as I took it the first time I miscarried and it led to a severe bleeding and I had to spend a night at the hospital which I didnt feel up to right now so I said I want to go home and see if I will miscarry spontanously .<br />
That week was the worst week in my life , I was grieving my third loss and the loss of my dream to have children , I lost hope for a while and was lower than low and the same happened with hubby.We were devastated and our world totally collapsed .<br />
The days went on , the weekend came and went and still no bleeding , I was considering going back to the hospital to get cytotec just to get rid of the tissue as it was mentally very hard to know there was a dead baby in me again.<br />
. After six days I called up the clinic to get an ultrasound and go for the cytotec as I couldnt wait anymore for a spontanous miscarriage .<br />
Hubby came with me this time too , on the 11th of April , and we got to meet a different doctor this time and asked questions on further testing to determine if there was a reason for our multiple losses .He said : Lets make an ultrasound first and then we can talk .<br />
I undressed and laid down and turned away my head from the screen and closed my eyes as I didnt want to see the dead embryo and a few seconds passed until I heard the doctors voice : LOOK HERE WE HAVE GOOD NEWS THERE IS A NORMAL FETUS MEASURING 8 w +1 AND THERE IS A HEARTBEAT !!!!<br />
This was the biggest shock in my life !!!! I laughed and cried and asked him like 3 times if he is sure there is a heartbeat until he just looked at me and said I wont say it again and shook my hand and welcomed me to the maternity ward in 7 months ......<br />
We left the hospital in shock ............HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN ? <br />
If I had followed the first doctors advice I would have aborted a living baby ..........<br />
It was a shocking thought ......<br />
I had been so close to terminate a healthy ( Please God ) pregnancy !!!!!And this because my doctor didnt want to wait a week and see but recomended me to take cytotec based on one ultrasound examination ! Knowing my age (37 then , now 38 ) and my previous history of two losses ....<br />
This is at our university hospital , and is supposed to be one of the 5 best in the country .....<br />
It took us a week to recover from the shock and then we decided to write a letter to the management of the clinic in order for them to investigate this and make sure they change their routines so that this will NEVER happen to someone else .<br />
In that letter we also adressed the fact that we feel that people that have gone through miscarriage is a patient group that is largely neglected by this clinic and we are asking for an improvement .<br />
We got a short reply from the manager to confirm he received the letter and are awaiting the final response .<br />
<br />
Im kind of still in shock after all that has happened , on Easter Sunday I got a bleeding which led me to go to the hospital again for an ultrasound as the private clinics are closed for Easter . Thanks God the baby was fine and measuring 10 w +1 which is a huge milestone for us as this is the furthest I have ever came in a pregnancy . Today I am 11 w +2 and I am waiting for the next milestone on the 9 th of May - the genetic test and the end of the first trimester .<br />
I have pregnancy symptoms like nausea and fatigue and my body is changing but I cant get myself to buy maternity jeans yet .....<br />
I went in to the maternity section in a store and tried on some jeans twice only to leave it and get out of the store .....<br />
I wish I wasnt like this but I am , I am still afraid to believe after all that happened .<br />
Thanks God I have the pregnancy symptoms and my belly is already growing so that gives me a little reassurance but I know its not for 100 % sure ....<br />
I try to live my life day by day and hope for the best knowing that I am not in control of this , it is a higher power , this has been proven to me so many times now ....<br />
It has indeed changed the way I look at life and it has changed me deeply .<br />
Please pray for me and hubby as we need support going through this .<br />
<br />
Love AngieAngie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-25889234860206682562011-02-10T11:55:00.000-08:002011-02-10T11:55:22.622-08:00another BFNHi ,<br />
<br />
<br />
I dont even know if I want to post this post .<br />
I know this blog is my outlet of all " forbidden " feelings like anger ,sadness ,depression ...<br />
its all the feelings that I dont want to burden my near and dear ones with .<br />
I WANT to cope well , I WANT to be balanced and do the right things but sometimes I just have enough of everything and thats when I write here ....<br />
<br />
<br />
I hate that I feel guilty for having those feelings and often I try to hide them and " move on" and " be normal " but then eventually I explode like today when I got the second BFN this week <br />
<br />
Im just so fed up !!! I hate this horrible pattern : AF - TTC on demand - nerve wrecking 2 WW and then the big dissapointment !!!! <br />
Oh how I hate it !<br />
<br />
I had so much hope for this cycle ....<br />
<br />
I think Im giving up the idea of conceiving naturally now and move on to IUI but it doesnt come easy ....<br />
I have always wanted to conceive a child in a romantic way .<br />
I know so many people before me have done ART and its great that I have the opportunity to do IUI / IVF but yet its so hard for me to give up my dream.<br />
<br />
In my mind I have decided that its time to move on and I will have to navigate a different path now .<br />
Tonight Im having a glass of wine feeling sorry for myself , I hope tomorrow will be a better day .<br />
<br />
IAngie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-82503155701304813522011-01-06T02:50:00.000-08:002011-01-06T02:50:54.795-08:00wow ! I feel better !!!! Blogging is healing .<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHpk7j83na0uc3YKk5ZtdNkhluDQ5YRRc9uqpHIWFo7cqnBTpf2NoFMcz-iks83n1gGwJsOwBz3TPyGFXpYaoeLx65L1OynTeStlk7VqcpUAEud2fO4ukZzP5qDKNqQVDudu4cg6hYkvEq/s1600/SNDROP%257E1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHpk7j83na0uc3YKk5ZtdNkhluDQ5YRRc9uqpHIWFo7cqnBTpf2NoFMcz-iks83n1gGwJsOwBz3TPyGFXpYaoeLx65L1OynTeStlk7VqcpUAEud2fO4ukZzP5qDKNqQVDudu4cg6hYkvEq/s320/SNDROP%257E1.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>I have posted a lot of sad posts lately but I wanted to be honnest about how I feel , this blog is not made to create a picture of how I would like to be but to write about how I really feel.<br />
The last three days I have spent at home ( took some days off , and today is a holiday anyway here)<br />
I didnt do much those days - I have spent hours reading blogs and reading my previous posts , looking at old photographs .<br />
Some people would probably call it a waste of time but this is what I wanted to do and I decided to do what I want and need , to give myself some " me -time " <br />
Somehow it worked out well and slowly I began to feel better .<br />
I found many inspiring words on other blogs and my heart changed and I feel hopeful again.<br />
<br />
Nothing special happened in my real life ....Im still in the 2 ww and pending between wanting to be pregnant and fear of being pregnant and risk another loss ...yet I feel more balanced and hopeful .<br />
I am even thinking of what fun things I can do this year with or without being pregnant ...<br />
I have only one life and I have to enjoy the things I can enjoy , not let my life pass me by and give in to depression.<br />
I have to surrender to God and acknowledge that I have no control over this .<br />
I have heard and read so many times that its good to give your pain and grief to God , to surrender and admit that HE is in control , not me, but it has been so hard for me .<br />
I always thought that if I try harder , if I do more , learn more , become a better person and so on then I can influence things <br />
My therapist has also tried to show me that not everything that happens is in my control , but it has been so hard for me to comprehend as its scary to let go and acknowledge that over some things I HAVE NO CONTROL....<br />
The last few days I began to really SEE what this means .<br />
It doesnt leave me hopeless as I do believe in a higher power ,a God and while reading blogs I have came across wonderful bible texts that are so full of hope and this fills my heart with hope and a cautious joy .<br />
Those texts I have read before but I have never been able to fully embrace the meaning of them and feel it .<br />
Now I can and its a miracle and all this is thanks to blogging and those wonderful people out there sharing their thoughts and insights .<br />
I am forever grateful for all of you that have left comments for me when I was sad and down and struggling with my grief all of you have contributed to the miracle of healing .<br />
<br />
I guess I just moved on in the grieving proces that I hate and would like to skip but yet cant escape .<br />
I really hate this grieving proces , I wish I knew a way to walk around it but I dont , you just have to let go and feel all you feel and let it shake you until there is less hurt and sadness and you are ready to move on .<br />
<br />
I know that even if I hate the steps of the grieving proces , it has forced ,me to develop and become a better person and I am so happy and grateful for all those people here in the blogosphere that I have met and that have inspired me .I know I wouldnt be the same person without you.<br />
My blog has been a sad place the last few months but I hope I will be able to fill it also with positive , hopeful and optimistic posts and I want to enjoy life to 100% again.Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-69594452523789458522011-01-03T09:32:00.000-08:002011-01-03T09:53:05.500-08:00Do I dare to hope for a Happy New Year 2011?I dont know how to start this post ...<br />
<br />
First I want to wish everybody a Wonderful New Year .<br />
I hope that the babylost mothers that are trying to conceive( one of them is me ) will go on to a happy and healthy pregnancy and have a baby to take care of this year.<br />
For those that are expecting a baby I hope and pray for a normal pregnancy and that you will welcome a perfect child to the world this year.<br />
<br />
To be honnest ,thinking about the New Year fills me with both hope and fear ....<br />
I would love to write about how positive I am and how much I look forward to the new year but I cant help feeling fear too , will it really be better ? <br />
<br />
What will happen ? <br />
Will we conceive naturally as I wish to do or will we move on to IVF ? <br />
Will IVF work ? <br />
Will our relationship survive the pressure of infertility and TTC " on demand" <br />
<br />
Immediately after writing this I realize how negative it sounds ....but how can it not when I look back at the last two years and remember the loss of our first angel Adam , the loss of my father and the loss of our second angel baby .<br />
If somebody had told me this was going to happen to me lets say 5 years ago it would have been hard to believe , but here I am and I have survived all this.<br />
<br />
It has changed me forever and in my good moments I am proud of myself for having survived it .<br />
I have grieved but I have also tried to live and keep myself busy and keep up a normality .<br />
Today I looked through our photographs from the last two years and it was a strange feeling : <br />
we have done " normal " things , we have travelled , we have had family gatherings , we celebrated Christmas and New Year this year too .<br />
I look at myself on the photographs and I look " normal " nobody can tell by looking a t me on the photograph that I have gone through so much heart-break the last two years: <br />
I can still smile and look " normal " <br />
The thing is that I am not " normal " anymore or maybe I should rather say that I am not the person I used to be .<br />
I miss the person I used to be , I was happier then ...<br />
Now I struggle to have hope when it used to come to me spontanously before ,<br />
I used to take for granted that I was going to have a wonderful life , but now I´m not so sure ...I nearly expect another disaster in my life instead of expecting the good....<br />
When I look at our photos from last year my life looks great : we have gone to nice places ,we have enjoyed meeting family and friends and I know this is also a true picture and I am grateful for being able to do them - we have done many nice things but it is as I cant believe that I have done all that , that I am the smiling person on the photo...<br />
In one way I wish I could forget about the last two years but at the same time they are now a part of me , insepereable .<br />
I want to believe that this year will be a good one , that I will eventually feel happy so much that it will take away the pain from the last two years .<br />
I want to feel positive and optimistic thinking that now it should only get better....but its hard for me to do ,there is always the little doubt that says " what if its not going to get better ? "<br />
<br />
I am thankful that I spent Christmas and New year on the 2 ww and still wait ....as it at least gave me some space to hope and keep up my spirit.<br />
<br />
I try to be proud of myself for making efforts to celebrate Christmas and New Year , to decorate our home , to host my family for Christmas and to get dressed up and go out to celebrate the New Year .<br />
I hope it will be a good year this time .<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRZUEQzUEssRo9-0rEmwgtYOgKBpgpqPuk6fmx7Bn8nAANqHV6Elkfxr8fpQjRn5EQ-LoT7qhjjXxsSpePly41K9asecst4cc_mXUUMyzgZZgmQPFYB1sDq3iGk9y_g0LSHL9FMkhux6rV/s1600/Bild+041.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRZUEQzUEssRo9-0rEmwgtYOgKBpgpqPuk6fmx7Bn8nAANqHV6Elkfxr8fpQjRn5EQ-LoT7qhjjXxsSpePly41K9asecst4cc_mXUUMyzgZZgmQPFYB1sDq3iGk9y_g0LSHL9FMkhux6rV/s320/Bild+041.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Ready to celebrate beginning of 2011<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHhZ3qGg-F5If6TTYHZABVXeeFcUiaRoPbnto-_YqkvjoKtNUSL4ucvFSeY0JfOvG38oOd1WIGdQU6rb32GTuJZACUKf-xQ-sXZnecpdvP1MCLOn-V8ZeIgWYexW-Y-0OtfKqfwzIPWfeT/s1600/Bild+043.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHhZ3qGg-F5If6TTYHZABVXeeFcUiaRoPbnto-_YqkvjoKtNUSL4ucvFSeY0JfOvG38oOd1WIGdQU6rb32GTuJZACUKf-xQ-sXZnecpdvP1MCLOn-V8ZeIgWYexW-Y-0OtfKqfwzIPWfeT/s320/Bild+043.jpg" width="240" /></a></div> A sunny winter day (view from our balcony)<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUT0Z8dqZijmngidnEQ0aTkbMiEeUnQl0yLWNjECrLWtRcCcMUPfu97_pr3jfp1FkAp8PgqDCZ5guVi9PAwOOCC4UrwdlBhyGMshffKl9n2DvJQZmzYIvZxE5Y2Fb-uzC2B6qv3rkIrO6l/s1600/Bild+042.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUT0Z8dqZijmngidnEQ0aTkbMiEeUnQl0yLWNjECrLWtRcCcMUPfu97_pr3jfp1FkAp8PgqDCZ5guVi9PAwOOCC4UrwdlBhyGMshffKl9n2DvJQZmzYIvZxE5Y2Fb-uzC2B6qv3rkIrO6l/s320/Bild+042.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMYMsQFuBpQf8zPldbJEhpvNnRdf2WatT-cSRvdoc6D15jjl609yf_PRHFI2vY-HPJcGulreAI6H5yfiyFAr83c31k6yDtTjlGc9MJyiDqBeG37t2IALM_k6ItAwwLqfWTMiGyIsiisbp5/s1600/Bild+021.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMYMsQFuBpQf8zPldbJEhpvNnRdf2WatT-cSRvdoc6D15jjl609yf_PRHFI2vY-HPJcGulreAI6H5yfiyFAr83c31k6yDtTjlGc9MJyiDqBeG37t2IALM_k6ItAwwLqfWTMiGyIsiisbp5/s320/Bild+021.jpg" width="240" /></a></div> Christmas flower arrangement with angel<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeX-blfwpIdHacUukWvapkcKuV6oEJecA8b_UGdQbUHYuRKGv4Y30B7EHZ3OypCmX3Gk7ekyrF8owBb94LPCoZDYMyxbJynMwTlUypOrNjFm-jqbsj1EIe5EQ15ucW4xzlYREztgQx33CA/s1600/Bild+012.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeX-blfwpIdHacUukWvapkcKuV6oEJecA8b_UGdQbUHYuRKGv4Y30B7EHZ3OypCmX3Gk7ekyrF8owBb94LPCoZDYMyxbJynMwTlUypOrNjFm-jqbsj1EIe5EQ15ucW4xzlYREztgQx33CA/s320/Bild+012.jpg" width="240" /></a></div> Flower arrangement to honour our two angel babies <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBAzOlNcxm5RRvJzzphiioxlEWQC2O9k45JJuRBi0cueSSzrK_af0eHfedQXuHRV1k3SwN8ejIpnyXcFu-8WGxD2b7-H8Gbzv9fGFaSXxb3RJ73QmuuBJD7LiTXN-KmsgjPGmryTGVuDs4/s1600/Bild+017.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBAzOlNcxm5RRvJzzphiioxlEWQC2O9k45JJuRBi0cueSSzrK_af0eHfedQXuHRV1k3SwN8ejIpnyXcFu-8WGxD2b7-H8Gbzv9fGFaSXxb3RJ73QmuuBJD7LiTXN-KmsgjPGmryTGVuDs4/s320/Bild+017.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">After the snowstorm outside </div>Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-39567653884516422502010-12-16T03:04:00.000-08:002010-12-16T03:09:06.010-08:00EDD blues ( trying to honour my angels and all angel babies)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI3LVCAugmBtUbgoKc1dEdfWwcQ1rRkhB1IIdHXsjSYBacCIJyJNf9UIdi7EqTlYovglnRdFYS0lJa3UtiT_1CCsOwpHgXpa5iRy6kpI-40bbwAlP6zg6IWlVDqApA-AIYe3K3BPbhUlJg/s1600/bloggOrPage_081340601_224456.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI3LVCAugmBtUbgoKc1dEdfWwcQ1rRkhB1IIdHXsjSYBacCIJyJNf9UIdi7EqTlYovglnRdFYS0lJa3UtiT_1CCsOwpHgXpa5iRy6kpI-40bbwAlP6zg6IWlVDqApA-AIYe3K3BPbhUlJg/s320/bloggOrPage_081340601_224456.bmp" width="258" /></a></div>December has been a terrible month for me .<br />
I didnt look forward to it at all as I found it hard to prepare for and celebrate Christmas at the same time as Im grieving my losses still.<br />
Im am sad because of the broken dreams , I am sad because I dont have a one year old baby in the house as I should have had as today is my EDD for baby angel Adam that was due 16 th of dec 2009.<br />
I am sad because me and my husband are so different in how we handle the situation ....he tends to keep his feelings within and I feel left alone . I am sad that Im not pregnant as I should have been if it wasnt for my second loss in August this year.<br />
This Christmas we are still two people in our family and no child.<br />
To be honnest I havent coped well at all this month.<br />
Me and hubby have argued a lot but thankfully also had some good conversations in between and hopefully we have come closer to eachother.<br />
I went on sick -leave this week as I couldnt keep myself together , I felt that I dont have much to give at work right now and decided to stay at home and mind my broken heart.<br />
I have been grieving for 3 days and I hardly left the house .<br />
I was feeling sorry for myself and was wondering why me ? why does this happen to anyone ? <br />
What if I will never be able to conceive again and have a healthy pregnancy? Why do I have to experience the loss of two babies ? Why is my husband so different to me ? Why cant he comfort me the way I want to be comforted ? <br />
The fear took me over and I was so sad .<br />
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But then a miracle happened ! I began to think about my angels and their little spirits and I began to think that I cant continue like this as I dont think they want to see me like this .They dont want their mother to suffer and be depressed , that Im certain of.<br />
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My grief turned into energy and I decided that I must keep going and try to be the best person I can be .<br />
While grieving I forgot about this .<br />
I do need to keep going and do my best in order to honour my angels so that their short existance in this world will have a meaning .<br />
Even if I have suffered a lot and still grieve my book is not yet closed and i DO have opportunities .<br />
I have called up the IVF clinic to talk about their policy and they do treatments until you are 39 ( thats if you want the costs covered by the state and then after age 39 you can also try but have to cover the costs yourself)<br />
That means that I , at age 37 can still do a few stimulated cycles but without IVF and I still have time to do IVF during this year and even next .I need to do a few more stimulated or natural cycles to feel that Im ready to move on to IFV as I dont feel like that right now.I need to find out what stimulated cycles can do for us first.<br />
Theoretically I could even have 2 children if it works.... the thing is that I dont know IF it will work BUT i am going to go ahead and TRY and do my best and HOPE for the best .<br />
Yesterday I started the " DO MY BEST " life and I have started to decorate our house for Christmas ( Even if I previously had intended not to do anything at all and skip Christmas) <br />
I have bought flowers and cushions and will go into town to try to get new curtains .<br />
I will send Christmas cards and buy presents .I will find a charity and try to help someone in need.<br />
I will try to do my best to celebrate Christmas being in the place I am and I will try to keep HOPE for good things to happen in the future .<br />
(And yes we did / do TTC this month)Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-43791638661816178412010-12-07T11:59:00.000-08:002010-12-07T11:59:52.541-08:00My prayerFirst I want to say that I am so thankful for all support , often I see this blog as a diary but it has its special beauty as wonderful people stop by and leave comments that lifts me up .<br />
I am forever grateful that I live in times when this is possible.I hope I can help other people in the same way in the future.<br />
Thank you all for taking time to make a comment.<br />
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I have had two difficult weeks trying to sort things out with hubby and we have had some good conversations among the arguments and I see that he is trying to make peace.I know its not easy for him either.<br />
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Now its soon time to TTC again and I decdided I need to ask God for help : <br />
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Please God help me to get rid of the fear to conceive again - I am so afraid to suffer another loss , I dont know if I can take it once more .<br />
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Please help me to find peace and balance so that I can take a step forward and try to conceive with hope and not fear.<br />
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Thank you God for all the wonderful people that surround me and are so generous with love and support .Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-52265875428209961492010-11-22T05:22:00.000-08:002010-11-22T05:22:58.799-08:00The worst week during our TTC journey ( Midcycle fight)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZL2uN7J8g7FfMQ6usMTMa5EhDtb2uEMHmbLwu4wrdad9cjXKxkEJrCZENPPSbCN2N0amZlKte2oxaEvXhEfGguRmvQ87hh3LO4ckR65cTYSa1hZSX6ATPyOHzn2YBQJ-GPFT15AHJ-S_t/s1600/465064-6901c312-53d5-4491-83f4-f08010a4f834l.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZL2uN7J8g7FfMQ6usMTMa5EhDtb2uEMHmbLwu4wrdad9cjXKxkEJrCZENPPSbCN2N0amZlKte2oxaEvXhEfGguRmvQ87hh3LO4ckR65cTYSa1hZSX6ATPyOHzn2YBQJ-GPFT15AHJ-S_t/s320/465064-6901c312-53d5-4491-83f4-f08010a4f834l.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>The last week has been one of the worst ever .<br />
I have been so sad and upset.<br />
Upset because of the fact that we were fighting and it led to not TTC this month.<br />
<br />
This upsets me so much as this month I was doing a clomid cycle and the follow up ultrasound showed a nice follicle of 19 mm on day 14 .<br />
My gynecologist was happy and I was happy and exited so I sent a text to my husband about the good news and expected some enthusiasm when coming home and expected an effort from his side to make things nice and romantic despite the totally nonspontanous nature of our situation as we do timed intercourse in order to maximize the chance to conceive.<br />
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None of my expectations happened as he sat down on the sofa after supper to watch sport on Tv.<br />
I swallowed my pride and made an effort myself that night but then got an attack of fear of conceiveing and we ended up sleeping with our backs turned towards eachother.He felt rejected not realizing that I felt terrible and needed comfort and support .<br />
The next day I was so upset , I was mad at him for not comforting me while I had my fear , I was so angry for not getting any understanding so we ended up figting that evening too.<br />
The third day , last Saturday he made an effort and made dinner for us and things looked really good as I got over my anger and was ready to TTC again .<br />
But after the dinner he went back to the sofa to watch some more TV - not talking .<br />
After a few hours sitting with him there I gave up and went to bed alone and refused to let him hold me when he eventually came to bed .<br />
After that it all went downhill and we are still arguing and Im still mad at him for not coperating , for not trying to make this as nice as possible, so that , if we conceive , will remember that we conceived this baby in a loving and romantic way .<br />
I feel this is important to me , I want to know that if I get pregnant the " normal " way I want it to be nice and romantic <br />
So here I am so angry and frustrated as I feel I do more than him in order to conceive a child .<br />
Im the one reading up information on infertility , Im the one booking doctors appointments , I was the one taking Clomid this month AND taking time to go to the gynecologist office for a check up on the follicles ALONE without him having to take time off from work to come with me AND then go to the farmacy to get the HCG-shot ( Ovitrelle)) .<br />
And Im doing all this in order to try to conceive once more without IVF and I had planned to do so for 3 cycles as I of course dont want to wait too long as I am now 37 and dont have years to wait even if my hormone levels are good still but you never know when that can change .<br />
The worst thing is that as we have male factor ( high scsa DFI ) I think its definitely up to him too to cooperate as this is his problem too but he seems to be in denial ....leaving me feeling so sad and lonely as he doesnt open up and share his feelings much either .Somtimes I feel that Im married to an unsensitive person with a heart of stone even if I know deep in my heart its not the case but I just hate his way of not opening up and be honnest with his feelings leaving me feeling alone and like a freak that have so many feelings as opposed to his calmness.<br />
Ok he is not in total denial as he went to acupuncture and is taking vitamins and reduced drinks in an effort to improve the sperm quality but so what if we cant make it to TTC....<br />
<br />
Oh I feel so miserable and I dont know what to do .<br />
I dont look forward to the holidays at all and I feel anxious even thinking about Christmas and New Year .<br />
I wish I could just go to a remote Island and dissapear from the rest of the world for a few months ...<br />
Im so stressed with having a fear of TTC I hate it but I cant help it .<br />
Maybe Im not ready yet to TTC after my second loss as it was only 3.5 months ago and maybe I need a break from TTC but because of my age I cant make that break too long .<br />
I am seriously thinking of taking a break as I cant imagine to try again next month given the circumstances .<br />
I know that I might change my mind several times until then but this is how I feel now .<br />
But then deciding not to try for a while makes me feel like a failure too as it is a missed opportunity for a miracle ....<br />
This post is very private and intimate but I just felt I have to get it out otherwise I will explode ....<br />
I have found some helpful information on the topic on RESOLVE `s website so it made me understand Im not the only one going through this ( I should have known by now ...; ) ) <br />
Here is the website if anyone wants to read more , its seven pages so there is a lot to read....<br />
<a href="http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/DocServer/14_Sex_Marriage_and_Infertility.pdf?docID=5704">http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/DocServer/14_Sex_Marriage_and_Infertility.pdf?docID=5704</a>Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-16855233061527469432010-11-01T13:14:00.000-07:002010-11-01T14:06:30.760-07:00Seeds of love - a story of unexpected love and friendship<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">One day in the spring a letter arrived from the States : )</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Andrea did a project to honour her angel baby Christian and all the other angel babies and their parents.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK-RCR_hETFXK-gC8xqQk956FnwN9Br_UUl7Ip_CgBf_B5RrKInQ2z_01998dEIs7-4wYq9zZiDVIUsK948DlclGFIpxBMMLXlaxDI4EueH3z2tWx0HoRos0BMUdw0MfNXsFOC0_l99JDR/s1600/CIMG2232.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" nx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK-RCR_hETFXK-gC8xqQk956FnwN9Br_UUl7Ip_CgBf_B5RrKInQ2z_01998dEIs7-4wYq9zZiDVIUsK948DlclGFIpxBMMLXlaxDI4EueH3z2tWx0HoRos0BMUdw0MfNXsFOC0_l99JDR/s320/CIMG2232.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7ELaoxGGbxCAo596KMGMAtvseKX24FVIkmjbi3zfUqXMcaENifkSeJJAmJA62aHXOQpL40Y1B2icogx8aWzka1CrrQjy4Cwt7cWEcwWEEVx-lJg_BRV6tMt_6xR7tqvShyHPVKs87HDs7/s1600/CIMG1973.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" nx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7ELaoxGGbxCAo596KMGMAtvseKX24FVIkmjbi3zfUqXMcaENifkSeJJAmJA62aHXOQpL40Y1B2icogx8aWzka1CrrQjy4Cwt7cWEcwWEEVx-lJg_BRV6tMt_6xR7tqvShyHPVKs87HDs7/s320/CIMG1973.JPG" width="320" /></a>I planted the seeds in a pot on my balcony and look what happened ! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGJYxtBwtV2OxwZr8fxZzDXHCsaGgXM9BsSSn0JNIQFsXVUuoutPQvbcegRuJG6qEoP8vz1MfrQKsF_tSW5ogk8twW4b7r6ubuFLD5xfer8jw6zwy1FZCX1cHs1d0tV-bREg2YLXkTNTuf/s1600/CIMG2222.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" nx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGJYxtBwtV2OxwZr8fxZzDXHCsaGgXM9BsSSn0JNIQFsXVUuoutPQvbcegRuJG6qEoP8vz1MfrQKsF_tSW5ogk8twW4b7r6ubuFLD5xfer8jw6zwy1FZCX1cHs1d0tV-bREg2YLXkTNTuf/s320/CIMG2222.JPG" width="320" /></a>Three months later , some watering and surviving a storm on that balcony I could see this : ) </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmqfUa-KHcbIst09S4UgzbTcEg-tF_ch0-31NZmSVARdh_IcLJtbs0HDce_ckq_t4Zk5BeFn_uWRbU5TL_ptcBTSTEZS4d40XdUWhOSqERA3HU1655T6StQ7AySFdesraCFFmer-dLCuH-/s1600/CIMG2230.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" nx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmqfUa-KHcbIst09S4UgzbTcEg-tF_ch0-31NZmSVARdh_IcLJtbs0HDce_ckq_t4Zk5BeFn_uWRbU5TL_ptcBTSTEZS4d40XdUWhOSqERA3HU1655T6StQ7AySFdesraCFFmer-dLCuH-/s320/CIMG2230.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ2-pO5MBskghkGkgi3LrxDSGvCraOk1PN6GYSO8ZxNgxutjjCRfWT31xZB83KY5CrRxS33Nd_TMFAOFsBQ9KJP0luYdKDjPoxPexjUjbGikvhvubyMkyXf4WHoGfQc8oOUO-NLYuHJvEL/s1600/CIMG2231.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" nx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ2-pO5MBskghkGkgi3LrxDSGvCraOk1PN6GYSO8ZxNgxutjjCRfWT31xZB83KY5CrRxS33Nd_TMFAOFsBQ9KJP0luYdKDjPoxPexjUjbGikvhvubyMkyXf4WHoGfQc8oOUO-NLYuHJvEL/s320/CIMG2231.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;">Its magic ! I grew flowers on my balcony sent all the way from the States as seeds from a wonderful friend that I have met on the internet through our angel babies : ) </div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;">Im so grateful for that firendship and for the friendship of all beautiful ladies that I have met online .</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;">Thats real girlpower , the way we share our lifes and help eachother .</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;">I know I could never make it without that beautiful friendship and love .</div><div align="center" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"></div> <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: right;"></div>Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-57956136403750315532010-10-17T13:04:00.000-07:002010-10-17T13:07:40.141-07:00Back after time outHi sweet friends ! <br />
<br />
<br />
I have been absent for a while , I needed to take some time off and just be .<br />
We actually took a week off both of us and went on a sunholiday : ) .<br />
I felt so exhausted and tired and down , I was struggling with so many things .<br />
What I was feeling Nan describes so well in her latest post as an emotional overload - thats how I felt - I had to struggle to keep myself together , my pulse rate was high , my thoughts were just a mess .I used to wake up in the morning and feel how my heart was beating fast and I felt so stressed which is not how I normally am.<br />
<br />
So we sent off for the week , booked a nice last minute hotel near the beach and just RELAXED ....<br />
It took a few days for me to actually be able to relax but eventually even I started to enjoy the ocean , the pool , the sunshine , dinners for two with Dave and just BE ....<br />
Today we are back - I have missed blogging and emailing my friends and I have a lot to catch up with but it feels good to have people to catch up with , I am so blessed to have met wonderful people that care.<br />
I will write more later just wanted to give a sign of life ; )Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-52993317437603811182010-09-26T14:20:00.000-07:002010-09-26T14:20:51.417-07:00navigating i life after second lossI havent written so much lately , its so overwhelming trying to navigate in life after my second loss.<br />
I never thought I would have to , I hoped that it would be ok the second time .<br />
I am trying to form a plan on what to do next .<br />
Went to a new fertility doctor but unfortunately I discovered that doctors that work at university clinics seem to be very conservative and wont do any extra tests until you had your third loss.<br />
Basically I was told that you are not infertile as you are able to conceive and call us next time you are pregnant we do an early ultrasound .<br />
I am so frustrated as I wanted to test for things that can be treated like blood-clotting desease or immunological disorders but my worries were just brushed off with a " those things are so unusual" GRRRRRRRRR!!!!<br />
Well at least I got my FSH tested again which is good as I am 37 and worry about that too even if the fertility dr said that Im not too old to conceive .<br />
I think I give up right now with looking for an answer and just focus on TTC again as it seems to be my best option. I would like to try to get pregnant spontanously for a few more months and if that doesnt work by the end of this year I will go for IVF /ICSI as the IVF clinic recomends , It feels really strange to do IVF when you are able to conceive spontanously but to conceive is not enough - you have to keep the pregnancy too.<br />
<br />
I have decided to try Chinese herbs for this cycle .My acupuncturist got them for me when she went to China on her holiday so I trust that this is the real thing and not something you get on the internet that might as well be " sugarpills" <br />
For me its a milestone to take herbs as Im normally into western medicine only but now I have came to a stage when I try anything nearly ...<br />
Soon its time to conceive again and Im filled with fear as never before : I am so afraid to be pregnant again and to fear another loss yet I WANT to be pregnant again , I hate to feel like this .<br />
I feel like Im in a dream sometimes and I just wish I could wake up and realize my losses were only a bad dream .<br />
Im trying my best to keep hope and heal , I go to a therapist which helps but it still takes time and hard work .<br />
I wish I could be more positive but I just try to keep myself together .<br />
I have good days too but the bad days keep coming too .<br />
I guess Im stubborn and try to fight it all and keep positive as much as I can but Im so scared too !Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-37464087416088717272010-09-12T11:44:00.000-07:002010-09-12T11:54:43.856-07:00From denial to painThis blog has become a place to ease my heart , I tend come here to write when Im sad , when I need to vent .I havent been able to write for a while and I have missed it . I do need my blogging and reading my fellow bloggers to keep myself sane <br />
The last few weeks I have been in denial I think , I just wanted to escape the pain by keeping myself very busy , trying not to feel and not to deal with my pain as if I could escape it that way.I was hosting friends and relatives in our home , I was working alot and shopping and training .<br />
But it didnt work ,I cant escape the pain<br />
On Thursday I went to a new gynecologist hoping to get some blood tests done to rule out immunological and blood clotting desease .<br />
I had booked an appointment in a private clinic as the doctors at the university clinic dont do any tests until you have 3 miscarriages .<br />
To make a long story short the whole visit was a disaster.<br />
It turned out that I was not booked in to the fertility specialist but to a general gynecologist that admitted herself that she is not familiar with infertility issues ! <br />
This despite the fact that I had very carefully explained to the secretary that booked the appointment that I had 2 miscarriages and want to do some testing because of that as I dont want to find myself in a situation where I suffer miscarraige nr 3 just to learn that it was because of something that could have been prevented .<br />
The doctor was very formal and expressed no empathy whatsoever after hearing that I suffered my 2 nd loss just a month ago , the most comforting she said was that miscarriage is common and its common to have one child and then a miscarriage and then have a child again .<br />
YES maybe but its just that I dont have any children at all I wanted to scream but I said nothing just trying to not burst into tears .Doctors should be tested for empathy to be allowed to practice ! <br />
<br />
The fertility specialist comes once a month ( It sounds like I live in a village in the desert and not in an university town ) so now I have to wait again ! <br />
<br />
This was enough to push me over the edge .My heart has been heavy since then and today it totally escalated : I didnt get out of bed until 12 and I didnt go out at all , I feel so depressed today , its like everything is against me .I know Im oversensitive right now because of the whole situation but I feel so helpless and I hate it . I have no control over this and I just have to keep waiting .....<br />
Waiting for AF to come back and to start TTC again . If I get pregnant again I have to go through the fear of loosing that baby too ...<br />
My feelings are in contradiction : in one way I do want to get pregnant again but at the same time Im afraid to TTC again as Im so afraid to have my hope crushed again .<br />
I am so tired of this , its such a hard road to walk.<br />
It affects all my life :Im not as socially active as I used to be , I cant help but avoiding friends that are pregnant .One of my good friends is now pregnant and I havent called her since my loss as I cant handle it .<br />
Its her first child and she didnt notice it until like week 10 ( ! ) she has never had a miscarriage ( Thankfully , its not that I wish that on my worst enemy ) and with that she doesnt understand the pain of it .<br />
Last time we met she said that she hopes that her state is " contagious " and will affect me too ( That was before I knew I was pregnant for the second time ) This didnt make me feel better but rather sad and " inferior " as If there is something wrong with me that cant have what she has .Then she went on to say that when her boyfriend heard that another couple they know are expecting he said to her that" we have to try too so we are not behind them " .....so what do you respond to that as a BLM ? ? ? I didnt ask to be in a competition!!!<br />
I know I probably come across as odd for not calling her but I just cant right now.<br />
With that said im not proud of what I just wrote , I wish I didnt feel that way cause it sounds like Im jealous .<br />
T´hats not how I used to be before .<br />
The interesting thing is that I dont feel hurt when I hear that someone that suffered miscarraige before is pregnant as I know how much it hurts to suffer a m /c and I just wish the best for that person ( I wish the best for all my pregnant friends too that havent had a m/ c hm I got myslf into something complicated ..) <br />
I hope so much that one day I will be beyond all this , that I will be in balance .<br />
I hope that I will find the courage to TTC again without fear ( well we have tried again but many times when we " try " I get distracted and cant continue as I get afraid which is something new) <br />
I wanted to talk to a fertility expert to get advice on what to do next - should we try the natural way once more or just move on to ART ? <br />
If ART do we have to go for IVF /ICSI as first suggested to us or can we try IUI? Id rather try that first as its less invasive .<br />
Now I have to wait another month to ask those questions and so we will try the normal way once more providing AF comes back which I think should happen soon as I have a temp raise and sore boobs.<br />
<br />
I was reading blogs half of the day today and it did lift me up , it does work thanks God , I am so blessed to have this community.I am so grateful for all you ladies sharing your thoughts and your eperience , thanks to your willingness to be honnest and share your journeys you help others .Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-24413773578083480642010-09-02T13:46:00.000-07:002010-09-02T13:46:51.738-07:00Poem<span style="font-size: large;">I havent been able to write lately , I just try to keep myself busy so I dont have to feel too much , Im so fed up with grieving .</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I do see a therapist so I hope it will change .</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I just wanted to post one of my favourite poems that always makes me cry ,</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">Footprints in the Sand</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">“You promised me Lord,</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">--------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">Mary Stevenson, 1936</span>Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-58416865318299068512010-08-08T08:58:00.000-07:002010-08-08T08:58:16.877-07:00The hope is gone for this pregnancyFirst I want to thank you everyone for stopping by and write me some words of comfort .<br />
I warms my heart to know that there is people out there that understand and care and pray for me and wish me well .<br />
In a world where miscarriage and infertility is still pretty much taboo Im so grateful to have found so much support , this is something that all the money in the world cant buy , it makes me keep my hope when its really low .I dont know what I would have done without it .<br />
<br />
Unfortunately I have bad news as 2 days ago I started to bleed and the bleeding continues so I miscarried again.<br />
I feel tired and sad and numb .<br />
I think life is so unfair , why cant I at least have one normal pregnancy ? And bring at least one healthy baby to this world? <br />
I know we will try again as there is so much to gain by trying but right now I need to heal both physically and emotionally .<br />
I decided to take a week off work as I was supposed to start working tomorrow ( monday ) but I cant decide if I want to say that I had a miscarriage as I dont think I can handle questions and other peoples reaction right now .<br />
At the same time I dont like to keep it a secret because then I contribute to the taboo of miscarriage .<br />
I think Im not strong enough to face questions and hugs and comments about it yet so I will probably not say what happened yet.<br />
I dont think I can go in to work yet as I feel I need some time to heal before I go back .Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-47054235813349695452010-08-03T22:48:00.000-07:002010-08-03T23:41:22.663-07:00Wonderful was short now devastated for the second time. ( Blighted ovum? )Hi ,<br />
<br />
I havent been posting for a while ,I have been on a holiday for 10 days and took a break from emails and blogs as well.<br />
Most of all I have been " holding my breath" just waiting and hoping for my pregnancy to progress and get passed the 1 st trimester .<br />
However on Sunday the 1 st of August I got a slight bleeding and my peace of mind left me .<br />
The day after I went with my sister to the clinic of gynecology and eventually had an ultrasound done which showed a sac but a very tiny fetal pole .The doctor said it could be either a blighted ovum or to early in the pregnancy to see the fetal pole with ultrasound so now we have to wait a week and go back for another ultrasound then.<br />
<br />
Im devastated as I think that by now ( week 7/ 8 ) there should be a little heartbeat visible .I dont have much hope at all.I think if there will be a heartbeat next week thats probably a miracle.<br />
Im so sad as I was so hopeful for this pregnancy .<br />
Before I went on the holiday I asked the midwife to check my progesterone levels and B-Hcg. <br />
Progesterone was 28 and B-Hcg 1800 which seemed to be normal for a 5-6 weeks pregnancy according to all tables I could find online.Different tables show different limits but I was within the norm on all of them that I checked ( 3-4 ) .I decided not to take any extra progesterone then and hoped for the best .<br />
<br />
Today I feel so depressed.I was hoping so much we would be able to conceive naturally but now it doesnt look like it will work.<br />
I find the information on SCSA DFI - ( Hubby has got high dna defragmentation levels on the semen test) so confusing : from what I can read high SCSA DFI makes it hard to conceive and it even makes IVF hard to succeed as the embryos wont develope properly but in our case we are able to get pregnant naturally but then the pregnancy doesnt seem to progress past week 7-8.<br />
We have been talking about what to do next .<br />
Should we try naturally a third time or just go for IVF /ICSI as the fertility clinic recomends ? <br />
We havent decided yet but one option could be that hubby goes on detox and acupuncture ( he only tried acupuncture twice before I got pregnant last time but the acupuncturist recomended 5-10 times ) <br />
and I of course will also join him in the detox more or less ( no alcohol , healthy food , low carb diet ,exercise ) <br />
Or maybe that is pointless and we should not waist time and just for for IVF /ICSI directly ? <br />
<br />
Oh this is such a hard road to walk .How I wish we had started to conceive earlier ( Im now 37 and hubby will be 38 this year) .<br />
Im back on the emotional rollercoaster and now I feel so sad and depressed thinking what if thoughts.<br />
Im on holiday this week too but next week Im supposed to go back to work but I dont know if I can make it? How can I go back and pretend that everyting is ok ? <br />
Im angry at God , why does he let this happen to me or to anyone at all? Why do we have to suffer so much? <br />
After my first miscarriage I was devastated but I still had some hope to conceive again but now its different , Im not sure if we ever will be able to conceive naturally or even with IVF , given our male factor problem.<br />
I know I sound very negative now , maybe miracles can happen but Im just so sad today and my hope is so low.<br />
Today is also the first year anniversary of my fathers death and as I was pregnant I didnt plan to go to the grave as it involves flying and I had decided not to fly during the first trimester .<br />
I will ask the priest in church to say mass for him on Sunday if I just can get myself together and get out of the house ...Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-45254839730112330092010-07-09T14:18:00.000-07:002010-07-09T14:18:49.487-07:00My addition to the dramatic last two weeks ! ( Good news)I have been thinking about all the things that have happened in the lifes of the girls that first made me start this blog - " The fab five " .<br />
The last two weeks have been extremely dramatic for all of us : good news and bad news , it has been about life and the biggest joy but also death and ttc and ttc on hold and broken dreams and hopes because of people who let down and dont keep their promise.<br />
<br />
To begin with the fantastic news : One of us welcomed her much loved and awaited babygirl after losing triplet girls last year .<br />
<br />
But we also had heartbreaking news : <br />
One of us had her dreams shattered and heart broken again and lost her baby<br />
and one of us has to face the dissapointment of a failed adoption of a child that was much welcome .<br />
One of us has to put TTC on hold for one cycle because of a vaccination which may sound like no big deal but for someone who is TTC its very frustrating.<br />
<br />
To my big surprise I will also contribute to the drama as I discovered that Im pregnant.<br />
I feel so mixed emotions to say it in a time like this when so many hard things has happened to my friends but I decided I will just do it as it is a part of life as it is right now .<br />
I feel happy but being a person that has experienced miscarriage I dont take anything for granted anymore and Im afraid to make up plans for the future but only live day by day.<br />
And I subconsciously prepare my self for the possibility that I can loose the baby again¨.<br />
I know I have a lot of work to do to handle this.<br />
I wish it was different but its like a have a colud of worries hanging over me .<br />
Im going back to my therapist after the holiday to discuss this as I know I might not bond with the baby if I dont get over it somehow. I try to be cautiously hopeful but its not the same as the first time.<br />
Its yet very early ( week 4-5 ) so I have only told my husband and my brother and sister and Im not prone to tell anyone else yet .<br />
<br />
I hope that this weeks good news (the safe arrival of Nans baby girl and my positive HPT ) will be a beginning of more good news to come soon from all of us .<br />
I pray for everyone for peace , faith and hope and lots of joy and happiness in our lifes to come .<br />
I want to thank you all for sharing your stories with me and for all the support you have given me .<br />
<br />
Love you - AngieAngie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-6825106664803713332010-07-07T14:23:00.000-07:002010-07-07T14:23:19.551-07:00To Nan<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYO3TbjYRvcYtpWusTIfQ2DQS4UB2rYvGAeaciOS1qvcPrOFdx-zAIROV7kP7u9H0UvZLVXjgTRIRxiAzm9PeF-nNpdM9OwfM8slYt60Qfm-savw0455KIlq_2Elt924sqgF4gelhG-e0O/s1600/241265_550x550_mb_art_R0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" rw="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYO3TbjYRvcYtpWusTIfQ2DQS4UB2rYvGAeaciOS1qvcPrOFdx-zAIROV7kP7u9H0UvZLVXjgTRIRxiAzm9PeF-nNpdM9OwfM8slYt60Qfm-savw0455KIlq_2Elt924sqgF4gelhG-e0O/s320/241265_550x550_mb_art_R0.jpg" /></a></div>This week has been crazy and my head is full of thoughts and emotions so much has happened for " the fab five " <br />
Today I want to celebrate Nan that is preparing for the delivery of her baby tomorrow .<br />
This is a very much loved baby that Nan and Mike were blessed with after losing their triplet girls last year.<br />
I have found this picture for you for good luck , for our sweet " ladybug " .<br />
Dear Nan ! Know that I will think about you and pray for you tomorrow .<br />
Beleive that you can do this! Upbring all selfconfidence you can . You can do this !!!Now its your time to have a happy end .<br />
Remember that most pregnancies do have a happy end and most deliveries are succesful .<br />
We all know to well of the komplications that can happen but still the majority do have an happy end .<br />
Sending you lots of loveAngie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-33795435969215007712010-06-19T04:01:00.001-07:002010-06-19T12:31:08.835-07:00Photo of angelversary plants<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU5p3ONO6aYnAuu0wxNiZsfrzcBKf7CpaRSRmJq5xpeeU2MD3cFSqX8o4dB1stcarif7d8gOvIYNDyJ0-kVqQE6Q4SYtk2mr6AH-6R27gTW1-Fkn6JNvkmjq9KAXZm9thJXPOZ1zoxn-D1/s1600/CIMG1840.JPG"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 300px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5484438846384295682" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU5p3ONO6aYnAuu0wxNiZsfrzcBKf7CpaRSRmJq5xpeeU2MD3cFSqX8o4dB1stcarif7d8gOvIYNDyJ0-kVqQE6Q4SYtk2mr6AH-6R27gTW1-Fkn6JNvkmjq9KAXZm9thJXPOZ1zoxn-D1/s400/CIMG1840.JPG" /></a><br /><div>This is what I made for our angleversary .</div><div>As we dont have a garden I wanted to plant a symbolic tree in a pot and add some beautiful flowers to remind me of our angel.</div><div>Our angleversary was on the 20 th of May but it took me some time to take a photo and post it here.</div>Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-23418157037971444442010-06-19T03:38:00.000-07:002010-06-19T03:59:08.840-07:00Things I do to feel better<span style="font-size:130%;color:#663366;"><strong>The last week I have desperately tried everything I know to relax and calm down as I have felt huge stress , so much that I had a high pulse rate and probably high blood pressure and sleeping difficulties .I felt so miserable and decided I have to do all I can to stop this<br />I have never done so many stress-reliefing activities before :<br /><br />-Went for acupressure<br />-Acupuncture<br />-Listened to slow calming music whenever Im at home or driving .<br />-Jogging to get physically exhausted .<br />-Went to the beach on my day off and spent a few hours just relaxing / sleeping / reading in the sun.<br />-Continue to go to therapy sessions .<br />-Blogging and absorbing love and support and prayers from my wonderful blogger friends :)<br />-Writing to do lists to get organized and feel more in control.<br />-Attending a huge party with Hubby ( with no little children involved )<br /><br />And I have to say IT WORKS !!!!<br />Thanks God , it works .<br /><br />I feel better than I have done in a long time .<br />We had great fun at the party , talking to nice people and dancing .<br />I was able to really enjoy it .<br />My therapist keeps boosting my selfconfidence by reiterating to me that I dont have to get over things right now , that I can get over them when Im ready to do so and as a paradox it makes it easier to get over when you feel you dont have too!<br />I dont have to feel useless for not being able to get over things .<br />Not that Im totally over my grief or anything but I have been able to function quite well this week side by side with the grief .<br />I have even downloaded some photos that I wanted to post a long time ago but never had the energy to do .</strong></span>Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-34892545509487624372010-06-13T01:27:00.000-07:002010-06-13T02:00:52.114-07:00coping with stress ?This week I have taken a break from blogging as I felt so overwhelmed and stressed after the visit at the IVF clinic .<br />I have felt fear for going through the IVF proces.<br />I hate the uncertainty about it : you go through so much with all the injections that has to be done and the egg retrieval and then you dont even know if it will work...<br />I have felt so sad that it doesnt work the " normal " way for us .<br />I have been so stressed and I slept bad and felt how my pulse rate have been increased during the day bacause of the stress.<br />I have also dealt with my referral for a hysterosonogram as there have been so many problems with it : my gynecologist forgot to write the referral first and I discovered that a few weeks later when I noticed that the appointment never came . I then called her office up and reminded her and waited another few weeks without getting an appointment just to discover she had " forgot " it again and when she finally sent it off four months had passed !!! Then I still didnt get an appointment so I had to call up the ultrasound clinic just to discover that the referal was put to a mailbox to a doctor that is on a holiday so they STILL hadnt schedualed me in for the sonogram !!! At that stage I was going mad as I then had to call my gynecologist office and ask them to fax the referral to another clinic that have a doctor that is not on holiday and now Im still waiting for my hysterosonogram and still havent got an appointment .I will never go back to this gynecologist again.'<br />Its like she thinks that now when you have got an referral to the IVF clinic you dont need any other tests ...very ignorant .<br /><br />I have made efforts to try to relax as I know stresshormones are not good for me and will mess up my system and ability to conceive but it doesnt really work so much.<br />I have had acupressure and then acupuncture ( I changed acupuncturist to someone that I think is better and more experienced )<br />In all this mess I have also had my brother visiting us and as I love my brother so much I was happy he came but I couldnt enjoy his visit to 100 % because of my inner stress.<br />Yesterday I had a day out with two dear friends and we had a really nice day going to an art exhibition and then going for dinner to a restaurant in the evening still I couldnt totally relax and enjoy it .<br />One of my friends is pregnant and the other is the girl that was due just a few weeks before me .I love them both and we had fun and I enjoyed the day but its like there is a cloud above me that doesnt let me relax totally and have fun but makes me feel uncomfortable now and then and I wish it wasnt like that .<br />I think Im not ready for IVF yet and I need to wait until after the summer but yet it makes me uncertain if I do the right thing .Maybe I should´nt wait but just go ahead with it but at the same time I dont feel ready.<br />In one way I wish I had postponed going to the IVF clinic as it made me so upset to go there .<br /><Now I need to relax and proces all my feelings ...<br />Today Im going jogging and then to the gym to get physically exhausted which I hope will make me sleep betterAngie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-30198253577979896942010-06-07T13:57:00.000-07:002010-06-07T14:27:44.073-07:00To IVF or not to IVF + insight from therapyToday I had a very stressful day as I went for my first IVF appointment with Dave .<br />I know I said before we are going to postpone IVF until after the summer but meanwhile we got a referral from my gynecologist as we got the green light from the insurance to get 3 " free " trials ( This is the way it works here - you get 3 IVF trials for free that are financed by the public health care sector ) ( Our first consultation we did private as we didnt want to wait so long to discuss the results of the semen test) Now we got an appointment so I decided we better go to the IVF -clinic and get prepared and see what they have to say .<br />I was shocked after as it suddenly became so real - the injections , the egg-retrieval - no nice things ....I realized that this is for real and soon I will have to inject stuff in my belly fat ...we got all the prescriptions so if I want I can start it all after AF arrives in about 2 weeks .<br />My thoughts went to Nan , Lori and Anne that have already gone through it and I think you are such heroes !!!<br />" Holy Cow !!! " I felt weak when the midwife was showing me how the injectors and syringes work and wanted to try it on my belly ! I refused 2 or 3 times but she pushed me and didnt give up until I let her put that needle in my belly - fat .... what a shock ! ((Even if I realized it doesnt hurt ) <br />I feel now that I definitely want to wait until after the summer - I need to build up som courage for this !!! I know I will do it if I have to but this wont be easy!!!<br />All you that went through it are so brave and strong !!!<br />I dread the egg retrieval as it seems horrible .<br />I need to wait and want to try some less invasive remedies as Clomid a few times before I give that up.<br /><br />Four days ago I also went to my second therapy session and I was pleasantly surprised that the therapist didnt push me to " get over " things! <br />So far I really like my therapist and even if he is a man( nothing against men here but I have realized that men proces things different than woman and was a little worried that he wouldnt understand ) <br /> I do feel he gets a lot of things and I felt so reliefed that he didnt push me to move on as I had thought he would ....he even went a step further and twisted it around and indicated that it can equally be something wrong with the people that dont respect my grief and dont want to hear my " story " .Their reaction is due to defense mechanisms but just because they have them doesnt mean there is something wrong with me and my grief , I find that thought very comforting as I started to think that ´there is something wrong with me that cant get over things fully when some people have indicated to me that I should " get over it " <br />He lifted a heavy weight from my shoulders and i feel I can " breathe " again ....knowing its ok to greive as I want to makes it easier to face life´s daily obstacles .It prevents me from getting depressed I think ( its kind of a contradiction but the burden of feeling that there is something wrong with me that cant " move on " fully was so heavy to carry ) <br />I left the therapy session with a smile that day and it felt great! <br /> <br />Today was a very mentally drainig day because of the visit to the IVF clinic .<br />I feel I need to digest it all.Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-35736471854979906052010-05-20T05:25:00.000-07:002010-05-20T13:57:31.547-07:00First year angleversary<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEtICjf7hnpHs0okWehhV7GuwPNEa8QdLO_ZyHqIL2MyiZoEgDJ49Um4rcX_YrDSeFyU9ybPZOY39aB3gzGO7C5QJ9OOERW6zEaH6PE4kzr30uODXgP5ar_ntoStU6Fajzu1Ej3hhRpMvB/s1600/IMG_4084.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5473327541447874002" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEtICjf7hnpHs0okWehhV7GuwPNEa8QdLO_ZyHqIL2MyiZoEgDJ49Um4rcX_YrDSeFyU9ybPZOY39aB3gzGO7C5QJ9OOERW6zEaH6PE4kzr30uODXgP5ar_ntoStU6Fajzu1Ej3hhRpMvB/s400/IMG_4084.JPG" /></a> Thank you Nan !<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;">Today was the day I have been waiting for with some tension and fear .</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;">One year since we lost our baby too soon.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;">I had taken the day off and planned to take it easy , plant a little tree that I have bought for him in a bigger pot as a way to remember Adam ( I have no garden just a balcony so I cant plant a " "real " tree) </span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;">My plans changed as I got busy with things I didnt expect ( finalizing a purchase of a new car ) which took me a half day and then I went on to make all those phone calls I normally dont have time to make and then my husband came back from work and the day was nearly over ...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;">I bought flowers , white lilies ,to put close to the rememberance stone Dave got on the EDD in December .</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;">It hit me how the rest of the world moves on - not many of my family members and friends remembered , for them its not even something they remember but for me its something that changed my life probably forever .</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;">I am so thankful that I have beautiful friends here in this blogging community that do remember and care to say some words of encouragement, it truly makes my heart smile and it gives me hope .</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;">Today was a day when I let myself think about how Adam would have been , how he would have looked like now , how it would have been to look in his eyes and get a responsive smile ...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;">It doesnt make it easier that one of my best friends had a baby just a few week before Adam was due .</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;">Whenever I talk to her I can hear her little one " talk" in the background and I wonder is that how Adam would have been like ? </span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;">Its so frustrating that we are still trying to conceive and are waiting impatiently for that + sign .We have been trying for 8 months now and no luck ...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;">I feel so unsure of what the future will bring but yet I do have some hope it will happen again and that we will have a happy end .</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;">I havent given up even if its a tough road to get to the goal .</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;">Tonight I will pray for Adam and all the other sweet angel babies that I know about , I believe their spirits are happy as they went straight to God in heaven and one day we will all be united .</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;">But until then I have to keep going and do my best to be a better person and to keep trying to become and earthly mother too .</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#993399;"></span><br /><br /><span style="color:#993399;"><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></span>Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1445618500738019321.post-76221296235030643722010-05-11T12:27:00.000-07:002010-05-11T13:25:22.500-07:00How do you cope with your first year angleversary?<span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>Hi </strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>This month is the month when my baby went to heaven one year ago.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>A whole year has passed since the bad news gave me a shock and changed me and my life probably forever.</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>I will never forget the screen with the image of my uterus with this little baby within but no heartbeat ...all my dreams that were connected with that baby and that pregnancy died and I lost control of my life ( forever ? )</strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>I wish I could say that I have moved on , but unfortunately I cant .</strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>The truth is that I havent fully moved on .</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>The last year has been a struggle to keep up normality and to keep going , a year full of sadness, grief , hope and dissapointment ( hope after TTC and then dissapointment after AF:s arrival, dissapointment to hear that hubby has crappy sperm but hope again after RE telling us its not so bad and still not useless to try the " normal" way) </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>Hope for healing but dissapointment that there is no quick fix to healing .</strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>Parallel to the miscarriage I have also been dealing with my fathers death.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>At times I have probably just disconnected from my feelings as it has been to much to handle at the same time , I have just " cut off " my feelings and just existed for a while as I didnt have the strength to proces it all at the same time .</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>The last year has been a sad year for me and I dont remember much of it after the loss ....its just like a fog and me struggling in it to get past it .</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>I try so hard to keep up a " normal " and "happy " side of me to not loose my old self totally but its hard at times .</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>A week ago I went to a therapist for the first time after my loss as I felt I need some help to move on and one thing that he indicated to me is that I should try to open up more , try to show how I feel and talk about what has happened .</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>This is many times very difficult for me as Im used to be" the strong one " the one that can take care of herself and cope with things and the one that helps other people and listens to other people.Lately I have felt that I cant even reach out to other people as I feel so energy less.</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>I also find it hard to talk about something that people dont want to talk about .</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>Nobody in the " real world " asks me how Im coping , if I think about the loss still or if I think about my father .</strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>Im just supposed not to mention it , not to talk about it .</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>I realize it might be that people think I will be upset if they mention it but I still wish somebody would ask me and listen to me .</strong></span><br /><br /><em><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>I have a need to talk about it and be listened to.</strong></span></em><br /><br /><em><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>Im forever grateful that I have found the best support in the world on line and I know that I could never have made it without the amazing woman that I have met , that care to listen and give words of encouragement and send prayers .I know I am blessed to be a part of this community and thanks to you all I am a better person today .</strong></span></em><br /><br /><em><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>Yet I wish people that are close to me in the real world would care more to ask me how I am and also take the time to listen to my answer , not just avoid it .</strong></span></em><br /><br /><em><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>I admire all woman who tries to educate the society about this .</strong></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>I was stunned to hear that babylost mums have started a radio show that deals with those topics .That is truly wonderful and so much needed.</strong></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>I want to contribute to that in my own way by trying to open up more and talk about it despite that people expect me not to talk about it .I feel I need to do that for the sake of future babylost mums so that it will be easier for them to go through a loss .</strong></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>Thats one of my goals - to open up more and talk about what has happened to me .</strong></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>Its easy to say but I know its difficult to do it in reality .</strong></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>I decided to write more as a training in opening up and talking about whats in my heart.</strong></span></em><br /><br /><em><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>I want to face my angleversary and not deny it as I tried to do with my EDD.</strong></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>I want to find peace and stop worrying , I want to start to live again as this has consumed my energy so much the past year.</strong></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>I hope God will help me to do so .</strong></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong>I hope God will help me to face my angleversary in a graceful way .</strong></span></em><br /><br /><em><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong></strong></span></em>Angie Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09592721942177422906noreply@blogger.com7