EDD blues ( trying to honour my angels and all angel babies)

December has been a terrible month for me .
I didnt look forward to it at all as I found it hard to prepare for and celebrate Christmas at the same time as Im grieving my losses still.
Im am sad because of the broken dreams , I am sad because I dont have a one year old baby in the house as I should have had as today is my EDD for baby angel Adam that was due 16 th of dec 2009.
I am sad because me and my husband are so different in how we handle the situation ....he tends to keep his feelings within and I feel left alone . I am sad that Im not pregnant as I should have been if it wasnt for my second loss in August this year.
This Christmas we are still two people in our family  and no child.
To be honnest I havent coped well at all this month.
Me and hubby have argued a lot but thankfully also had some good conversations in between and hopefully we have come closer to eachother.
I went on sick -leave this week as I couldnt keep myself together , I felt that I dont have much to give at work right now  and decided to stay at home and mind my broken heart.
I have been grieving for 3 days and I hardly left the house .
I was feeling sorry for myself and was wondering why  me ? why does this happen to anyone ?
What if I will never be able to conceive again and have a healthy pregnancy? Why do I have to experience the loss of two babies ? Why is my husband so different to me ? Why cant he comfort me the way I want to be comforted ?
The fear took me over and I was so sad .

But then a miracle happened ! I began to think about my angels and their little spirits and I began to think that I cant  continue like this as I dont think they want to see me like this .They dont want their mother to suffer and be depressed , that Im certain of.

My grief turned into energy and I decided that I must keep going and try to be the best person I can be .
While grieving I forgot about this .
I do need to keep going and do my best in order to honour my angels so that their short existance in this world will have a meaning .
Even if I have suffered a lot and still grieve  my book is not yet closed and i DO have opportunities .
I have called up the IVF clinic to talk about their policy and they do treatments until you are 39 ( thats if you want the costs covered by the state  and then  after age 39  you can also try but have to cover the costs yourself)
That means  that I , at age 37 can still do a few stimulated cycles but without IVF and I still have time to do IVF during this year and even next .I need to do a few more stimulated or natural cycles to feel that Im ready to move on to IFV  as I dont feel  like that right now.I need to find out what stimulated cycles can do for us first.
Theoretically  I could even have 2 children if it works.... the thing is that I dont know IF it will work BUT i am going to go ahead and TRY and do my best and HOPE  for the best .
Yesterday I started the " DO MY BEST "  life and I have started to decorate our house for Christmas ( Even if I previously had intended not to do anything at all and skip Christmas)
I have bought flowers  and cushions and will go into town to try to get new curtains .
I will send Christmas cards and buy presents .I will find a charity and try to help someone in need.
I will try to do my best to celebrate Christmas  being in the place I am and I will try to keep HOPE for good things to happen in the future .
(And yes we did / do  TTC this month)

My prayer

First  I want to say that I am so thankful for all support , often I see this blog as a diary but it has its special beauty as wonderful people stop by and leave comments that lifts me up .
I am forever grateful that I live in times when this is possible.I hope I can  help  other people in the same way in the future.
Thank you all  for  taking time to make a comment.

I have had two difficult weeks trying to sort things out with hubby and we have had some good conversations among the arguments and I see that he is trying to make peace.I know its not easy for him either.

Now its soon time to TTC again and I decdided I need  to ask God for help :

Please God help me to get rid of the fear to conceive again - I am so afraid to suffer another loss , I dont know if I can take it once more .

Please help me to find peace and balance so that I can take a step forward and try to conceive with hope and not fear.

Thank you God for all the wonderful people that surround me and  are so generous with love and support .

The worst week during our TTC journey ( Midcycle fight)

The last week has been one of the worst ever .
I have been so sad and upset.
Upset because of the fact that we were fighting and it led to not TTC  this month.

This upsets me so much as this month I was doing a clomid cycle and the follow up ultrasound showed a nice follicle of 19 mm on day 14 .
My gynecologist was happy and I was happy and exited so I sent a text to my husband about the good news and expected some enthusiasm when coming home and expected an effort from his side to make things nice and romantic despite the totally nonspontanous nature of our situation  as we do timed intercourse in order to maximize the chance to conceive.

None of my expectations happened as he sat down on the sofa after supper to watch sport on Tv.
I swallowed my pride and made an effort myself   that night but then got an attack of fear of conceiveing  and  we ended up sleeping with our backs turned towards eachother.He felt rejected not realizing that I felt terrible and needed comfort and support .
The next day I was so upset , I was mad at him for not comforting me while I had my fear , I was so angry for not getting any understanding so we ended up figting that evening too.
The third day , last Saturday he made  an effort and made dinner for us and things looked really good as I got over my anger and was ready to TTC again .
But after the dinner he went back to the sofa to watch some more TV - not talking .
After a few hours sitting with him there I gave up and went to bed alone and refused to let him hold me when he eventually came to bed .
After that it all went downhill and we are still arguing and Im still mad at him for not coperating , for not trying to make this as nice as possible, so that , if we conceive , will remember that we conceived this baby in a loving and romantic way .
I feel this is important to me , I want to know that if I get pregnant the " normal " way I want it to be nice and romantic
So here I am so angry and frustrated  as I feel I do more than him in order to conceive a child .
Im the one reading up information on infertility , Im the one booking doctors appointments , I was the one taking Clomid this month AND taking time to go to the gynecologist office for a check up on the follicles ALONE without him having to take time off from work to come with me AND then go to the farmacy to get the HCG-shot ( Ovitrelle)) .
And Im doing all this in order to try to conceive once more without IVF and I had planned to do so for 3 cycles as I of course dont want to wait too long as I am now 37 and dont have years to wait even if my hormone levels are good still but you never know when that can change  .
The worst thing is that as we have male factor ( high scsa DFI ) I think its definitely up to him too to  cooperate as this is his problem too  but he seems to be in denial ....leaving me feeling so sad and lonely as he doesnt open up and share his feelings much either .Somtimes I feel that Im married to an unsensitive person with a heart of stone even if I know deep in my heart its not the case but I just hate his way of not opening up and be honnest with his feelings leaving me feeling alone and like a freak that have so many feelings  as opposed to his calmness.
Ok he is not in total denial as he went to acupuncture and is taking vitamins and reduced drinks  in an effort to improve the sperm quality but so what if we cant make it to TTC....

Oh I feel so miserable and I dont know what to do .
I dont look forward to the holidays at all and I feel anxious even thinking about Christmas and New Year .
I wish I could just go to a remote Island and dissapear from the rest of the world for a few months ...
Im so stressed with having a fear of TTC I hate it but I cant help it .
Maybe Im not ready yet to TTC after my second loss  as it was only 3.5 months ago and maybe I need a break from TTC but because of my age I cant make that break too long .
I am seriously thinking of taking a break as I cant imagine to try again next month given the circumstances .
I know that I might change my mind several times until then but this is how I feel now .
But then deciding not to try for a while makes me feel like a failure too as it is a missed opportunity for a miracle ....
This post is very private and intimate but I just felt I have to get it out otherwise I will explode ....
I have found some helpful information on the topic on RESOLVE `s website so it made me understand Im not the only one going through this ( I should have known by now ...; )    )
Here is the website if anyone wants to read more , its seven pages so there is a lot to read....
http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/DocServer/14_Sex_Marriage_and_Infertility.pdf?docID=5704

Seeds of love - a story of unexpected love and friendship

One day in the spring a letter arrived from the States : )

Andrea did a project to honour her angel baby Christian and all the other angel babies and their parents.

I planted the seeds in a pot on my balcony and look what happened !

Three months later , some watering and surviving a storm on that balcony  I could see this : )

Its magic ! I grew flowers on my balcony sent all the way from the States as seeds from a wonderful friend that I have met on the internet through our angel babies : )

Im so grateful for that firendship and for the friendship of all beautiful ladies that I have met online .

Thats real girlpower , the way we share our lifes and help eachother .

I know I could never make it without that beautiful friendship and love .







Back after time out

Hi  sweet friends !


I have been absent for a while , I needed to take some time off and just be .
We actually took a week off both of us and went on a sunholiday : ) .
I felt so exhausted and tired and down , I was struggling with so many things .
What I was feeling Nan describes so well  in her latest post as an emotional overload - thats how I felt - I had to struggle to keep myself together , my pulse rate was high , my thoughts were just a mess .I used to wake up in the morning and feel how my heart was beating fast and I felt so stressed which is not how I normally am.

So we sent off  for the week , booked a nice last minute hotel  near the beach and just RELAXED ....
It took a few days for me to actually be able to relax but eventually even I started to enjoy the ocean , the pool , the sunshine , dinners  for two with Dave and just BE ....
Today we are back - I have missed  blogging and emailing my friends and I have a lot to catch up with but it feels good to have people to catch up with , I am so blessed to have met wonderful people that care.
I will write more later just wanted to give a sign of life   ; )

navigating i life after second loss

I havent written so much lately , its so overwhelming  trying to navigate in life after my second loss.
I never thought I would have to , I hoped that it would be ok the second time .
I am trying to form a plan on what to do next .
Went to a new fertility doctor but unfortunately I discovered that doctors that work at university clinics seem to be very conservative and wont do any extra tests until you had your third loss.
Basically I was told that you are not infertile as you are able to conceive and call us next time you are pregnant we do an early ultrasound .
I am so frustrated as I wanted to test for things that can be treated  like blood-clotting desease or immunological disorders but my worries were just brushed off with a " those things are so unusual"   GRRRRRRRRR!!!!
Well at least I got my FSH tested again which is good as I am 37 and worry about that too even if the fertility dr said that Im not too old to conceive .
I think I give up right now with looking for an answer and just focus on TTC again as it seems to be my best option.  I would like to try to get pregnant spontanously for a few more months and if that doesnt work by the end of this year I will go for IVF /ICSI as  the IVF clinic recomends , It feels really strange to do IVF when you are able to conceive spontanously  but to conceive is not enough - you have to keep the pregnancy too.

I have decided to try Chinese herbs for this cycle .My acupuncturist got them for me when she went to China on her holiday so I trust that this is the real thing and not something you get on the internet that might as well be " sugarpills"
For me its a milestone to take herbs as Im normally into western medicine only but now I have came to a stage when I try anything nearly ...
Soon its time to conceive again and Im filled with fear as never before : I am so afraid to be pregnant again and to fear another loss yet I WANT to be pregnant again , I hate to feel like this .
I feel like Im in a dream sometimes and I just wish I could wake up and realize my losses were only a bad dream .
Im trying my best to keep hope and heal , I go to a therapist which helps but it still takes time and hard work .
I wish I could be more positive but I just try to keep myself together .
I have good days too but the bad days keep coming too .
I guess Im stubborn and try to fight it all and keep positive as much as I can but Im so scared too !

From denial to pain

This blog has become a place to ease my heart , I tend  come here to write when Im sad , when I need to vent .I havent been able to write for a while and I have missed it . I do need my blogging and reading my fellow bloggers to keep myself sane
The last few weeks I have been in denial I think , I just wanted to escape the pain by keeping myself very busy , trying not to feel and not to deal with my pain as if I could escape it that way.I was hosting friends and relatives in our home , I was working alot and shopping and training .
But it didnt work ,I cant escape the pain
On Thursday I went to a new gynecologist hoping to get some blood tests done to rule out immunological and blood clotting desease .
I had booked an appointment in a private clinic as the doctors at the university clinic dont do any tests until you have 3 miscarriages .
To make a long story short the whole visit was a disaster.
It turned out that I was not booked in to the fertility specialist but to a general gynecologist that admitted herself that she is not familiar with infertility issues !
This despite the fact that I had very carefully explained to the secretary that booked the appointment that I had 2 miscarriages and want to do some testing because of that as I dont want to find myself in a situation where I suffer miscarraige nr 3 just to learn that it was because of something that could have been prevented .
The doctor was very formal and expressed no empathy whatsoever after hearing that I suffered my 2 nd loss just a month ago  , the most comforting she said was that miscarriage is common and its common to have one child and then a miscarriage and then have a child again .
YES maybe but  its just that I dont have any children at all  I wanted to scream but I said nothing just trying to not burst into tears .Doctors should be tested for empathy to be allowed to practice !

The fertility specialist comes once a month ( It sounds like I live in a village in the desert and not in an university town ) so now I have to wait again !

This was enough to push me over the edge .My heart has been heavy since then and today it totally escalated : I didnt get out of bed until 12 and I didnt go out at all , I feel so depressed today , its like everything is against me .I know Im oversensitive right now because of the whole situation but I feel so helpless and I hate it . I have no control over this and I just have to keep waiting .....
Waiting for AF to come back  and to start TTC again . If I get pregnant again I have to go through the fear of loosing that baby too ...
My feelings are in contradiction : in one way I do want to get pregnant again but at the same time Im afraid to TTC again as Im so afraid to have my hope crushed again .
I am so tired of this , its such a hard road  to walk.
It affects all my life :Im not as socially active as I used to be , I cant help but avoiding friends that are pregnant .One of my good friends is now pregnant  and I havent called her since my loss as I cant handle it .
Its her first child and she didnt notice it until like week 10  ( ! ) she has never had a miscarriage ( Thankfully , its not that I wish that on my worst enemy ) and with that she doesnt understand the pain of it .
Last time we met she said that she hopes that her state is " contagious " and will  affect me too ( That was before I knew I was pregnant  for the second time )  This didnt make me feel better but rather sad and " inferior "  as If there is something wrong with me that cant have what she has .Then she went on to say that when her boyfriend heard that another couple they know are expecting he said to her that" we have to try too so we are not behind  them " .....so what do you respond to that as a BLM ? ? ? I didnt ask to be in a competition!!!
I know I probably come across as odd for not calling her but I just cant right now.
With that said im not proud of what I just wrote , I wish I didnt feel that way cause it sounds like Im jealous .
T´hats not how I used to be before .
The interesting thing is that I dont feel hurt when I hear that someone that suffered miscarraige before is pregnant as I know how much it hurts to suffer a m /c and I just wish the best for that person ( I wish the best for all my pregnant friends too that havent had a m/ c   hm  I got myslf into something complicated ..)
I  hope so much  that one day I will be beyond all this , that I will be in balance .
I hope  that I will find the courage to TTC again  without fear ( well we have tried again  but many times when we " try " I get distracted and cant continue as I get afraid  which is something new)
I wanted to talk to a fertility expert to get advice on what to do next - should we try the natural way once more or just move on to  ART ?
If ART do we have to go for IVF /ICSI as first suggested to us or can we try IUI? Id rather try that first as its less invasive .
Now I have to wait another month to ask those questions and so we will try the normal way once more providing AF comes back  which I think should happen soon as I have a temp raise and sore boobs.

I was reading blogs half of the day today and it  did lift me up , it does work thanks God , I am so blessed to have this community.I am so grateful for all you ladies sharing your thoughts and your eperience , thanks to your willingness to be honnest and share your journeys you help others .