I have been so sad and upset.
Upset because of the fact that we were fighting and it led to not TTC this month.
This upsets me so much as this month I was doing a clomid cycle and the follow up ultrasound showed a nice follicle of 19 mm on day 14 .
My gynecologist was happy and I was happy and exited so I sent a text to my husband about the good news and expected some enthusiasm when coming home and expected an effort from his side to make things nice and romantic despite the totally nonspontanous nature of our situation as we do timed intercourse in order to maximize the chance to conceive.
None of my expectations happened as he sat down on the sofa after supper to watch sport on Tv.
I swallowed my pride and made an effort myself that night but then got an attack of fear of conceiveing and we ended up sleeping with our backs turned towards eachother.He felt rejected not realizing that I felt terrible and needed comfort and support .
The next day I was so upset , I was mad at him for not comforting me while I had my fear , I was so angry for not getting any understanding so we ended up figting that evening too.
The third day , last Saturday he made an effort and made dinner for us and things looked really good as I got over my anger and was ready to TTC again .
But after the dinner he went back to the sofa to watch some more TV - not talking .
After a few hours sitting with him there I gave up and went to bed alone and refused to let him hold me when he eventually came to bed .
After that it all went downhill and we are still arguing and Im still mad at him for not coperating , for not trying to make this as nice as possible, so that , if we conceive , will remember that we conceived this baby in a loving and romantic way .
I feel this is important to me , I want to know that if I get pregnant the " normal " way I want it to be nice and romantic
So here I am so angry and frustrated as I feel I do more than him in order to conceive a child .
Im the one reading up information on infertility , Im the one booking doctors appointments , I was the one taking Clomid this month AND taking time to go to the gynecologist office for a check up on the follicles ALONE without him having to take time off from work to come with me AND then go to the farmacy to get the HCG-shot ( Ovitrelle)) .
And Im doing all this in order to try to conceive once more without IVF and I had planned to do so for 3 cycles as I of course dont want to wait too long as I am now 37 and dont have years to wait even if my hormone levels are good still but you never know when that can change .
The worst thing is that as we have male factor ( high scsa DFI ) I think its definitely up to him too to cooperate as this is his problem too but he seems to be in denial ....leaving me feeling so sad and lonely as he doesnt open up and share his feelings much either .Somtimes I feel that Im married to an unsensitive person with a heart of stone even if I know deep in my heart its not the case but I just hate his way of not opening up and be honnest with his feelings leaving me feeling alone and like a freak that have so many feelings as opposed to his calmness.
Ok he is not in total denial as he went to acupuncture and is taking vitamins and reduced drinks in an effort to improve the sperm quality but so what if we cant make it to TTC....
Oh I feel so miserable and I dont know what to do .
I dont look forward to the holidays at all and I feel anxious even thinking about Christmas and New Year .
I wish I could just go to a remote Island and dissapear from the rest of the world for a few months ...
Im so stressed with having a fear of TTC I hate it but I cant help it .
Maybe Im not ready yet to TTC after my second loss as it was only 3.5 months ago and maybe I need a break from TTC but because of my age I cant make that break too long .
I am seriously thinking of taking a break as I cant imagine to try again next month given the circumstances .
I know that I might change my mind several times until then but this is how I feel now .
But then deciding not to try for a while makes me feel like a failure too as it is a missed opportunity for a miracle ....
This post is very private and intimate but I just felt I have to get it out otherwise I will explode ....
I have found some helpful information on the topic on RESOLVE `s website so it made me understand Im not the only one going through this ( I should have known by now ...; ) )
Here is the website if anyone wants to read more , its seven pages so there is a lot to read....
http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/DocServer/14_Sex_Marriage_and_Infertility.pdf?docID=5704
Sweetest Friend,
ReplyDeleteI don't know exactly where to start. So I will begin by saying that I am SO sorry that you are experiencing sadness, as you TTC. I can remember times when things were very stressful for us too, so you are not alone. However, men process things much differently than we do.
Unfortunately, we have to be the ones to keep up with our cycles and chart, take medicines and go to appointments. I went to my follicle checks alone too and even went for the IUI myself. There came a time when I had to realize that if I truly wanted things to work out for us I was going to have to get past being angry that I was carrying the load. Ultimately, my Hubby and I had a very nice chat. I told him that I needed his support in more ways other than being willing to have sex on demand. He understood and told me that he doesn't know my cycle, etc..and he told me that if I would give him a calendar with dates on it that he would plan his work schedule and travel schedule around Dr. visits and TTC.
Perhaps you can talk with your therapist about these issues and gain some insight. I'm just sorry that you are going through this. Infertility and loss bring forth much anxiety on the part of both men and women...its SO stressful! I wish both you and Dave much peace and I will be praying for you.
Many HUGS and Many Prayers
xxx
Angie,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are hurting right now. I know the feeling of seeming like you are the one doing everything. I felt that way for a bit myself. It's just so hard to understand mens thinking sometimes (and i'm sure that sometimes it may be hard for them to understand us too) and that makes the situation even harder. Don't be too hard on yourself about going back and forth on what you want to do. it's a hard decision and there's a lot of feelings that come along with that feeling. I just want to send you love my friend and I hope that things get better soon. I wish i could take the pain away. But know that i am here if you need me. If you just want to vent and need someone to listen I am here. Love you Lots
I'm so sorry for your frustrations!! TTC after loss sucks! Hang in there though!
ReplyDelete(((hugz)))
Jamie
@ forget-me-notohlord.blogspot.com
Bless your heart--I can honestly say that the words you wrote have been the very same words I've thought to myself many, many times in the last 11 years.
ReplyDeleteWhen we were first TTC with clomid (and we did almost TWO years of cycles--UGH) it was SO hard...even when we added in injectibles and ultrasounds to see how follicles were looking--I would get SO frustrated because *I* was the one who was doing EVERYTHING and the least I figured he would do could be try and cooperate and be sweet and understanding. Especially since HIS JOB (military) made it so hard sometimes to get the time frames right.
I felt rejected, I felt unloved, I felt unappreciated and I felt JILTED! Hard enough to deal with my own issues about infertility, but then marriage issues too? Ugh.
And like you---I knew deep down, that's not how he was, but still...actions are so representative of our intentions and it seemed like his actions were NOT very motivated and I equated that to not being loved.
And who wants to TTC in that situation? It's so hard...but I am glad you went on Resolve's sight so you DO know you are not alone and sadly, so many of us know similar feelings. Doesn't make it easier for you, but at least you don't feel so crazy or that you are tethered to this neanderthal that doesn't get it (that's how I felt about John sometimes until I realized he was like SO many men!!)
I guess I would just try and remember that the guys have their own insecurities and issues and guilt and worry and grief too...but they are just not wired to deal with it like we are--sharing it, talking about it, working it out. So, it's hard for them to deal with loss/TTC again/etc. very effectively...and that doesn't really have anything to do with you but more him. It's hard not to take it personally, but if you try to put in the perspective of remembering that...at least for me, I found it a bit easier to just suck it up when John would finally realize that he OUGHT to be a little bit more sensitive but by that time, I was SO angry, I wouldn't let him because it was almost like it was too late. I still felt it was too late...I still felt he was wrong and it shouldn't have been that way. I still felt that he JUST didn't get it and yet AGAIN I was the one who was smoothing things over....but in the end, it's worth it because HE sure as heck wasn't doing it and we would just continue to both be miserable if I didn't at least try. I'd tell myself, "Try to be the wife God wants you to be even if your husband isn't acting like the husband God wants HIM to be."
It was hard...and still often is! But I'm working on it every day!
Praying for you friend!
xoxoxo