Search This Blog

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

We have a plan : )

Tonight I feel so much better : )

Im tired after all the stress and worrying before going to the RE.
But Im so reliefed to have had my questions answered by someone that is experienced in this area.

Our doctor took the time to answer all the questions we had so now my nerves have calmed down : )

How much I have worried since we got the results from the semen test !!! I havent been able to focus on anything else since then....
The visit to the RE was worth every " penny" !

He confirmed that there is not enough evidence yet on the SCFA DFI test but in our case the idea is that even if its too high its still likely that there is a lot of good " swimmers " anyway .
If there is about 100 million " swimmers " and 40 % of them have got defragmented DNA there should still be a few million that are ok was the positive words from our RE .
He didnt think it was pointless to try the "tradiotional" way for about 6 months but not longer because of my age as I am now 37 and shouldnt wait too long.
So the plan is to try by ourselves during the summer and if it doesnt work we go back to the clinic in August and then start IVF /ICSI.
So now we are very seriously trying : detox project is still on with green tea , no coffee no drinks and training at the gym a few times a week .WOW we work hard for this dont we ?
Who would ever have thought it takes so much work to have children ?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Thank you + first visit to RE tomorrow

Again I want to thank you all wonderful ladies for caring to stop by and leave words of encouragement for me .
It means the world to me to read what you say, I know I would just be depressed and in a big mess without you .Your words makes me keep going and letting some hope in .
This blog has become a place where I come for comfort and for writing my thoughts as they are .
For the moment I live a " double life " as my husband wants to wait to talk to other people about this ( he didnt even talk to his family)
He wants to wait at least until we have been to the RE.
Outside I have to act as if this is not happening but inside Im in shock and want to talk about this .
Its comforting to " meet " people that understand ,its soothing for my soul to see those wondeful woman that have gone through IVF or are in the proces if it now ....makes it less scary for me .
It makes my heart lighter to get words of encouragement and prayers also from you that havent been through it but cares to stop by and give words of hope .
Its so special to know that there is so many beautiful people in this world that care .
It makes me keep my faith even if I often burst out in anger because of the burden I have to carry ( why me ? but then I have to think : why anyone ? why does people have to suffer? yes....thats the eternal question ...)
Tomorrow is the day we are going to see the RE , hubby and me are both tensed and have already argued ( it started with a trivial thing )
I have no energy to even cry but I think this argument is not deadly serious , I think we will get over it and go there tomorrow anyway.
I hope so much the RE will say that life style changes can improve the SCSA DFI levels so we can try the " natural" way but today I feel less negative towards IVF - If we have to I will do it .

Sunday, April 25, 2010

TTC part 2 (advanced course)

Oh , where do I begin ?

My head is still in a mess.

First I want to say thank you for all support !
Once again I find myself uplifted and soon ready to crawl up from the dark place I´ve been in for a while now .
It is a miracle in itself that I get to experience support from this amazing community of bloggers .
In a world when I cant even tell my family and my friends about our situation ( hubby is not ready to tell yet ) I get to communicate with people who understand and help me to cope .
Sending you all thanks and lots of love !

The last week has been a strange week for more than one reason :
we were supposed to go on a holiday abroad as Dave is changing jobs and we intentionally left a gap of 2 weeks between his jobs to be able to go on a well deserved holiday together.
We had big plans and wanted to go to Dubai for 10 days for a break .
But our plans had to be postponed because of .... a Volcano in Iceland that erupts and produces ashes that can cause damage to the planes engines.
I couldnt believe its true ! But the airport was closed for many days and when it opened some days ago we decided not to go abroad as one week of the holiday was already consumed and there is no guarantee that the volcano wont erupt again and Dave absolutely doesnt want to risk to get stuck in Dubai and not being able to come back in time to start his new job....
So what can you do when flying is not an option ?
We ended up in a Spa -hotel about 1 1/2 hours drive from home !!!
I did enjoy it as we got a change of environment and some distraction from our daily life .
We enjoyed delicious food and had a spa treatment each .( I had a hot stone massage after getting the recomendation from Andrea and I have to say it was fantastic , the best massage I have ever got )
I was thankful we went even if it was just after getting the bad news on the semen test .
It made us proces our thoughts in the most stressfree environment as possible.
It was just me and hubby and we could go for walks at the sea and drive to little pikturesque resorts and enjoy lunch and coffee on the terrace ( yes there was some sunshine some of the days)
However wonderful is short and after coming home we both got depressed and 2 days went and I felt as if we were in a thick fog , just grieving and being numb and me reading up about male factor and high SCSA DFI on the internet .
We have slowly began our way out of the dark place ....
today we went for a walk , then went to the gym ( I convinced hubby to join me for a yoga class ; ) and it was fun to see him try ; ) its not so easy the first time but we had a great laugh about it ; ) so we havent lost our sense of humour even if we have lost our dreams and hopes of conceiveng a child into this world the " normal " way .
Hubby is still on detox and convinced to be so for the 3 months its supposed to take for the sperm to renew.No drinks , no sauna or hot baths, no coffe .....
I think its ok to try anyway as you never know in this business , miracles can happen !
If it doesnt work we will go for the IVF /Icsi if this is still recomended by the RE we will see on Wednesday.
Somehow I feel I need some time to get used to the thought of IVF /ICSI I dont know if I want to go for it already next month .....
I think I need some more time , maybe after the summer ?
I try to think that my book is not closed yet and that we have to try everything that is possible to try before we give up the dream of raising a child .
On a positive note I read that "our " IVF clinic has an age limit of 39 , ie you have to start your first cycle before age 39 ( you can get a package of 3 cycles that have to be used within 18 months so practically you can try IVF until you are 40 1/2 .This gives me hope as I just turned 37 recently and this would give us 3 years to try .
So here I am trying to navigate a new territory that I néver thought I would have to enter ( who did , I suppose ? )
So here comes the part 2 of TTC ; now its not only about Basal Body Temperature , OPK sticks and timed sex , now I have to get familiar with IVF /ICSI , DNA fragmentation , hormone injections ......I feel weak when I think about it but I guess I wont give up .
I still have some fighting spirit within , somewhere deep down.....

Friday, April 23, 2010

prayers needed

Im numb and confused as I write this.
I dont know what to say ...words doesnt come to me ...
We got bad news a few days ago.
There is a male faktor , as hubby has too high DNA fragmentation on semen analysis.
The lab recomends IVF /ICSI.
IVF / ICSI .....
From thinking that we are able to conceive spontanously and that future conception is only a question of time we have to face something totally different.....
I feel dead inside .....I dont need anymore obstacles ....
I managed to sign us up for an evaluation with the reproductive specialist on the 28 th of April just to talk to a doctor eye to eye and see if IVF /ICSI is really the only option .
The info online about high DNA fragmentation is so confusing as you get different scientific articles stating different things.
I feel like a zoombie .....I didnt expect this ...

Please send us a prayer as we need it badly right now .
We need to get ourselves together and readjust to this ( How ? )
I dont know if I have the energy to go through IVF ? The shots seem so scary ....and if it doesnt work? How can I handle the dissapointment?
Oh ,I feel so confused , I cant think clearly .My logic ability is gone ....
our first step is to put hubby on detox drinks , no coffee and more healthy food .....what a life ....

Please pray for us .