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Thursday, May 20, 2010

First year angleversary

Thank you Nan !

Today was the day I have been waiting for with some tension and fear .

One year since we lost our baby too soon.

I had taken the day off and planned to take it easy , plant a little tree that I have bought for him in a bigger pot as a way to remember Adam ( I have no garden just a balcony so I cant plant a " "real " tree)

My plans changed as I got busy with things I didnt expect ( finalizing a purchase of a new car ) which took me a half day and then I went on to make all those phone calls I normally dont have time to make and then my husband came back from work and the day was nearly over ...

I bought flowers , white lilies ,to put close to the rememberance stone Dave got on the EDD in December .

It hit me how the rest of the world moves on - not many of my family members and friends remembered , for them its not even something they remember but for me its something that changed my life probably forever .

I am so thankful that I have beautiful friends here in this blogging community that do remember and care to say some words of encouragement, it truly makes my heart smile and it gives me hope .

Today was a day when I let myself think about how Adam would have been , how he would have looked like now , how it would have been to look in his eyes and get a responsive smile ...

It doesnt make it easier that one of my best friends had a baby just a few week before Adam was due .

Whenever I talk to her I can hear her little one " talk" in the background and I wonder is that how Adam would have been like ?

Its so frustrating that we are still trying to conceive and are waiting impatiently for that + sign .We have been trying for 8 months now and no luck ...

I feel so unsure of what the future will bring but yet I do have some hope it will happen again and that we will have a happy end .

I havent given up even if its a tough road to get to the goal .

Tonight I will pray for Adam and all the other sweet angel babies that I know about , I believe their spirits are happy as they went straight to God in heaven and one day we will all be united .

But until then I have to keep going and do my best to be a better person and to keep trying to become and earthly mother too .

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

How do you cope with your first year angleversary?


This month is the month when my baby went to heaven one year ago.
A whole year has passed since the bad news gave me a shock and changed me and my life probably forever.

I will never forget the screen with the image of my uterus with this little baby within but no heartbeat ...all my dreams that were connected with that baby and that pregnancy died and I lost control of my life ( forever ? )
I wish I could say that I have moved on , but unfortunately I cant .
The truth is that I havent fully moved on .

The last year has been a struggle to keep up normality and to keep going , a year full of sadness, grief , hope and dissapointment ( hope after TTC and then dissapointment after AF:s arrival, dissapointment to hear that hubby has crappy sperm but hope again after RE telling us its not so bad and still not useless to try the " normal" way)

Hope for healing but dissapointment that there is no quick fix to healing .
Parallel to the miscarriage I have also been dealing with my fathers death.
At times I have probably just disconnected from my feelings as it has been to much to handle at the same time , I have just " cut off " my feelings and just existed for a while as I didnt have the strength to proces it all at the same time .

The last year has been a sad year for me and I dont remember much of it after the loss ....its just like a fog and me struggling in it to get past it .

I try so hard to keep up a " normal " and "happy " side of me to not loose my old self totally but its hard at times .

A week ago I went to a therapist for the first time after my loss as I felt I need some help to move on and one thing that he indicated to me is that I should try to open up more , try to show how I feel and talk about what has happened .

This is many times very difficult for me as Im used to be" the strong one " the one that can take care of herself and cope with things and the one that helps other people and listens to other people.Lately I have felt that I cant even reach out to other people as I feel so energy less.

I also find it hard to talk about something that people dont want to talk about .

Nobody in the " real world " asks me how Im coping , if I think about the loss still or if I think about my father .
Im just supposed not to mention it , not to talk about it .

I realize it might be that people think I will be upset if they mention it but I still wish somebody would ask me and listen to me .

I have a need to talk about it and be listened to.

Im forever grateful that I have found the best support in the world on line and I know that I could never have made it without the amazing woman that I have met , that care to listen and give words of encouragement and send prayers .I know I am blessed to be a part of this community and thanks to you all I am a better person today .

Yet I wish people that are close to me in the real world would care more to ask me how I am and also take the time to listen to my answer , not just avoid it .

I admire all woman who tries to educate the society about this .
I was stunned to hear that babylost mums have started a radio show that deals with those topics .That is truly wonderful and so much needed.
I want to contribute to that in my own way by trying to open up more and talk about it despite that people expect me not to talk about it .I feel I need to do that for the sake of future babylost mums so that it will be easier for them to go through a loss .
Thats one of my goals - to open up more and talk about what has happened to me .
Its easy to say but I know its difficult to do it in reality .
I decided to write more as a training in opening up and talking about whats in my heart.

I want to face my angleversary and not deny it as I tried to do with my EDD.
I want to find peace and stop worrying , I want to start to live again as this has consumed my energy so much the past year.
I hope God will help me to do so .
I hope God will help me to face my angleversary in a graceful way .

Thursday, May 6, 2010

To Andrea for 1-year angleversary

Today my thoughts go to Andrea

as today is her first year angleversary for angel baby Christian .

I send you love Andrea and thank you for being such a wonderful person .Im so happy to know you and also want to thank you for making my journey through loss so much easier to cope with thanks to your support .

Love you !