First year angleversary

Thank you Nan !




Today was the day I have been waiting for with some tension and fear .

One year since we lost our baby too soon.

I had taken the day off and planned to take it easy , plant a little tree that I have bought for him in a bigger pot as a way to remember Adam ( I have no garden just a balcony so I cant plant a " "real " tree)

My plans changed as I got busy with things I didnt expect ( finalizing a purchase of a new car ) which took me a half day and then I went on to make all those phone calls I normally dont have time to make and then my husband came back from work and the day was nearly over ...

I bought flowers , white lilies ,to put close to the rememberance stone Dave got on the EDD in December .

It hit me how the rest of the world moves on - not many of my family members and friends remembered , for them its not even something they remember but for me its something that changed my life probably forever .

I am so thankful that I have beautiful friends here in this blogging community that do remember and care to say some words of encouragement, it truly makes my heart smile and it gives me hope .

Today was a day when I let myself think about how Adam would have been , how he would have looked like now , how it would have been to look in his eyes and get a responsive smile ...

It doesnt make it easier that one of my best friends had a baby just a few week before Adam was due .

Whenever I talk to her I can hear her little one " talk" in the background and I wonder is that how Adam would have been like ?



Its so frustrating that we are still trying to conceive and are waiting impatiently for that + sign .We have been trying for 8 months now and no luck ...

I feel so unsure of what the future will bring but yet I do have some hope it will happen again and that we will have a happy end .

I havent given up even if its a tough road to get to the goal .

Tonight I will pray for Adam and all the other sweet angel babies that I know about , I believe their spirits are happy as they went straight to God in heaven and one day we will all be united .

But until then I have to keep going and do my best to be a better person and to keep trying to become and earthly mother too .