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Thursday, May 20, 2010

First year angleversary

Thank you Nan !

Today was the day I have been waiting for with some tension and fear .

One year since we lost our baby too soon.

I had taken the day off and planned to take it easy , plant a little tree that I have bought for him in a bigger pot as a way to remember Adam ( I have no garden just a balcony so I cant plant a " "real " tree)

My plans changed as I got busy with things I didnt expect ( finalizing a purchase of a new car ) which took me a half day and then I went on to make all those phone calls I normally dont have time to make and then my husband came back from work and the day was nearly over ...

I bought flowers , white lilies ,to put close to the rememberance stone Dave got on the EDD in December .

It hit me how the rest of the world moves on - not many of my family members and friends remembered , for them its not even something they remember but for me its something that changed my life probably forever .

I am so thankful that I have beautiful friends here in this blogging community that do remember and care to say some words of encouragement, it truly makes my heart smile and it gives me hope .

Today was a day when I let myself think about how Adam would have been , how he would have looked like now , how it would have been to look in his eyes and get a responsive smile ...

It doesnt make it easier that one of my best friends had a baby just a few week before Adam was due .

Whenever I talk to her I can hear her little one " talk" in the background and I wonder is that how Adam would have been like ?

Its so frustrating that we are still trying to conceive and are waiting impatiently for that + sign .We have been trying for 8 months now and no luck ...

I feel so unsure of what the future will bring but yet I do have some hope it will happen again and that we will have a happy end .

I havent given up even if its a tough road to get to the goal .

Tonight I will pray for Adam and all the other sweet angel babies that I know about , I believe their spirits are happy as they went straight to God in heaven and one day we will all be united .

But until then I have to keep going and do my best to be a better person and to keep trying to become and earthly mother too .


  1. Thinking of you and your sweet little Adam!

  2. i;m glad you made it through the day hun, it sounds lovely that you allowed yourself time to think about what adam would be like, i think thats a very healing thing to do. i also understand the ttc road and am still waiting myself for that +++ . sending you lots of love, xxx anne

  3. That rose opened today, right on sweet angel baby's date...see pics here:

    I am praying for your family today and always.

    Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday sweet Adam. Love, Auntie Nan and her girls xxxxx

  4. Praying for you today! I bet they are celebrating extra big today in Heaven! Celebrating the day that sweet Adam arrived!

  5. Sending you love precious friend! I didn't realize that Dave had gotten a rememberance stone, I love that! Our hearts do hurt and the pain of continuing to struggle for that +++ only seems to make it worse, but you have gotten so much stronger this year and been such a light to me! I know Adam is proud of his mommy, and is dancing in heaven with all of our babies! Praying peace for you your heart!

    Lots of Love and Hugs!!

  6. Sending you lots of love Angie. Sorry I haven't been on to check my blogs lately but know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

  7. Sweetest Friend,

    I'm so happy that Dave bought you the remembrance sweet and thoughtful. I also had things to take care of leading up to the days of Christian's 1st Heaven day and it irritated that I could not just focus on "him". However, I took time to honor him for many days and did eventualy get his little seed packets out to everyone :) I decided not to beat myself up or put time limits on things, as I will be honoring his brief life forever.

    Enjoy Adam's tree and send me pictures of it growing. I'd love to see more of your town too :)

    Love to you today and always...and know that I am right here with you as we continue on in search of our dream.