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Sunday, September 26, 2010

navigating i life after second loss

I havent written so much lately , its so overwhelming  trying to navigate in life after my second loss.
I never thought I would have to , I hoped that it would be ok the second time .
I am trying to form a plan on what to do next .
Went to a new fertility doctor but unfortunately I discovered that doctors that work at university clinics seem to be very conservative and wont do any extra tests until you had your third loss.
Basically I was told that you are not infertile as you are able to conceive and call us next time you are pregnant we do an early ultrasound .
I am so frustrated as I wanted to test for things that can be treated  like blood-clotting desease or immunological disorders but my worries were just brushed off with a " those things are so unusual"   GRRRRRRRRR!!!!
Well at least I got my FSH tested again which is good as I am 37 and worry about that too even if the fertility dr said that Im not too old to conceive .
I think I give up right now with looking for an answer and just focus on TTC again as it seems to be my best option.  I would like to try to get pregnant spontanously for a few more months and if that doesnt work by the end of this year I will go for IVF /ICSI as  the IVF clinic recomends , It feels really strange to do IVF when you are able to conceive spontanously  but to conceive is not enough - you have to keep the pregnancy too.

I have decided to try Chinese herbs for this cycle .My acupuncturist got them for me when she went to China on her holiday so I trust that this is the real thing and not something you get on the internet that might as well be " sugarpills"
For me its a milestone to take herbs as Im normally into western medicine only but now I have came to a stage when I try anything nearly ...
Soon its time to conceive again and Im filled with fear as never before : I am so afraid to be pregnant again and to fear another loss yet I WANT to be pregnant again , I hate to feel like this .
I feel like Im in a dream sometimes and I just wish I could wake up and realize my losses were only a bad dream .
Im trying my best to keep hope and heal , I go to a therapist which helps but it still takes time and hard work .
I wish I could be more positive but I just try to keep myself together .
I have good days too but the bad days keep coming too .
I guess Im stubborn and try to fight it all and keep positive as much as I can but Im so scared too !

Sunday, September 12, 2010

From denial to pain

This blog has become a place to ease my heart , I tend  come here to write when Im sad , when I need to vent .I havent been able to write for a while and I have missed it . I do need my blogging and reading my fellow bloggers to keep myself sane
The last few weeks I have been in denial I think , I just wanted to escape the pain by keeping myself very busy , trying not to feel and not to deal with my pain as if I could escape it that way.I was hosting friends and relatives in our home , I was working alot and shopping and training .
But it didnt work ,I cant escape the pain
On Thursday I went to a new gynecologist hoping to get some blood tests done to rule out immunological and blood clotting desease .
I had booked an appointment in a private clinic as the doctors at the university clinic dont do any tests until you have 3 miscarriages .
To make a long story short the whole visit was a disaster.
It turned out that I was not booked in to the fertility specialist but to a general gynecologist that admitted herself that she is not familiar with infertility issues !
This despite the fact that I had very carefully explained to the secretary that booked the appointment that I had 2 miscarriages and want to do some testing because of that as I dont want to find myself in a situation where I suffer miscarraige nr 3 just to learn that it was because of something that could have been prevented .
The doctor was very formal and expressed no empathy whatsoever after hearing that I suffered my 2 nd loss just a month ago  , the most comforting she said was that miscarriage is common and its common to have one child and then a miscarriage and then have a child again .
YES maybe but  its just that I dont have any children at all  I wanted to scream but I said nothing just trying to not burst into tears .Doctors should be tested for empathy to be allowed to practice !

The fertility specialist comes once a month ( It sounds like I live in a village in the desert and not in an university town ) so now I have to wait again !

This was enough to push me over the edge .My heart has been heavy since then and today it totally escalated : I didnt get out of bed until 12 and I didnt go out at all , I feel so depressed today , its like everything is against me .I know Im oversensitive right now because of the whole situation but I feel so helpless and I hate it . I have no control over this and I just have to keep waiting .....
Waiting for AF to come back  and to start TTC again . If I get pregnant again I have to go through the fear of loosing that baby too ...
My feelings are in contradiction : in one way I do want to get pregnant again but at the same time Im afraid to TTC again as Im so afraid to have my hope crushed again .
I am so tired of this , its such a hard road  to walk.
It affects all my life :Im not as socially active as I used to be , I cant help but avoiding friends that are pregnant .One of my good friends is now pregnant  and I havent called her since my loss as I cant handle it .
Its her first child and she didnt notice it until like week 10  ( ! ) she has never had a miscarriage ( Thankfully , its not that I wish that on my worst enemy ) and with that she doesnt understand the pain of it .
Last time we met she said that she hopes that her state is " contagious " and will  affect me too ( That was before I knew I was pregnant  for the second time )  This didnt make me feel better but rather sad and " inferior "  as If there is something wrong with me that cant have what she has .Then she went on to say that when her boyfriend heard that another couple they know are expecting he said to her that" we have to try too so we are not behind  them " what do you respond to that as a BLM ? ? ? I didnt ask to be in a competition!!!
I know I probably come across as odd for not calling her but I just cant right now.
With that said im not proud of what I just wrote , I wish I didnt feel that way cause it sounds like Im jealous .
T´hats not how I used to be before .
The interesting thing is that I dont feel hurt when I hear that someone that suffered miscarraige before is pregnant as I know how much it hurts to suffer a m /c and I just wish the best for that person ( I wish the best for all my pregnant friends too that havent had a m/ c   hm  I got myslf into something complicated ..)
I  hope so much  that one day I will be beyond all this , that I will be in balance .
I hope  that I will find the courage to TTC again  without fear ( well we have tried again  but many times when we " try " I get distracted and cant continue as I get afraid  which is something new)
I wanted to talk to a fertility expert to get advice on what to do next - should we try the natural way once more or just move on to  ART ?
If ART do we have to go for IVF /ICSI as first suggested to us or can we try IUI? Id rather try that first as its less invasive .
Now I have to wait another month to ask those questions and so we will try the normal way once more providing AF comes back  which I think should happen soon as I have a temp raise and sore boobs.

I was reading blogs half of the day today and it  did lift me up , it does work thanks God , I am so blessed to have this community.I am so grateful for all you ladies sharing your thoughts and your eperience , thanks to your willingness to be honnest and share your journeys you help others .

Thursday, September 2, 2010


I havent been able to write lately , I just try to keep myself busy so I dont have to feel too much , Im so fed up with grieving .
I do see a therapist so I hope it will change .
I just wanted to post one of my favourite poems that always makes me cry ,

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”


Mary Stevenson, 1936