I havent written so much lately , its so overwhelming trying to navigate in life after my second loss.
I never thought I would have to , I hoped that it would be ok the second time .
I am trying to form a plan on what to do next .
Went to a new fertility doctor but unfortunately I discovered that doctors that work at university clinics seem to be very conservative and wont do any extra tests until you had your third loss.
Basically I was told that you are not infertile as you are able to conceive and call us next time you are pregnant we do an early ultrasound .
I am so frustrated as I wanted to test for things that can be treated like blood-clotting desease or immunological disorders but my worries were just brushed off with a " those things are so unusual" GRRRRRRRRR!!!!
Well at least I got my FSH tested again which is good as I am 37 and worry about that too even if the fertility dr said that Im not too old to conceive .
I think I give up right now with looking for an answer and just focus on TTC again as it seems to be my best option. I would like to try to get pregnant spontanously for a few more months and if that doesnt work by the end of this year I will go for IVF /ICSI as the IVF clinic recomends , It feels really strange to do IVF when you are able to conceive spontanously but to conceive is not enough - you have to keep the pregnancy too.
I have decided to try Chinese herbs for this cycle .My acupuncturist got them for me when she went to China on her holiday so I trust that this is the real thing and not something you get on the internet that might as well be " sugarpills"
For me its a milestone to take herbs as Im normally into western medicine only but now I have came to a stage when I try anything nearly ...
Soon its time to conceive again and Im filled with fear as never before : I am so afraid to be pregnant again and to fear another loss yet I WANT to be pregnant again , I hate to feel like this .
I feel like Im in a dream sometimes and I just wish I could wake up and realize my losses were only a bad dream .
Im trying my best to keep hope and heal , I go to a therapist which helps but it still takes time and hard work .
I wish I could be more positive but I just try to keep myself together .
I have good days too but the bad days keep coming too .
I guess Im stubborn and try to fight it all and keep positive as much as I can but Im so scared too !