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Sunday, September 26, 2010

navigating i life after second loss

I havent written so much lately , its so overwhelming  trying to navigate in life after my second loss.
I never thought I would have to , I hoped that it would be ok the second time .
I am trying to form a plan on what to do next .
Went to a new fertility doctor but unfortunately I discovered that doctors that work at university clinics seem to be very conservative and wont do any extra tests until you had your third loss.
Basically I was told that you are not infertile as you are able to conceive and call us next time you are pregnant we do an early ultrasound .
I am so frustrated as I wanted to test for things that can be treated  like blood-clotting desease or immunological disorders but my worries were just brushed off with a " those things are so unusual"   GRRRRRRRRR!!!!
Well at least I got my FSH tested again which is good as I am 37 and worry about that too even if the fertility dr said that Im not too old to conceive .
I think I give up right now with looking for an answer and just focus on TTC again as it seems to be my best option.  I would like to try to get pregnant spontanously for a few more months and if that doesnt work by the end of this year I will go for IVF /ICSI as  the IVF clinic recomends , It feels really strange to do IVF when you are able to conceive spontanously  but to conceive is not enough - you have to keep the pregnancy too.

I have decided to try Chinese herbs for this cycle .My acupuncturist got them for me when she went to China on her holiday so I trust that this is the real thing and not something you get on the internet that might as well be " sugarpills"
For me its a milestone to take herbs as Im normally into western medicine only but now I have came to a stage when I try anything nearly ...
Soon its time to conceive again and Im filled with fear as never before : I am so afraid to be pregnant again and to fear another loss yet I WANT to be pregnant again , I hate to feel like this .
I feel like Im in a dream sometimes and I just wish I could wake up and realize my losses were only a bad dream .
Im trying my best to keep hope and heal , I go to a therapist which helps but it still takes time and hard work .
I wish I could be more positive but I just try to keep myself together .
I have good days too but the bad days keep coming too .
I guess Im stubborn and try to fight it all and keep positive as much as I can but Im so scared too !


  1. Angie...the fear is completely, completely, completely normal and I don't know of any other way of saying that it's not because it isn't. I wish it wasn't so, but experience teaches our brains how to react, so we have to be purposeful in telling our brains that we are in control...but that's easier said than done.

    Praying for peace for you as you continue to try and for doctors and treatments that are gentle (and successful) for you!!
    Lots of love!

  2. Wow Angie, I am sorry that you are having such a hard time with the doctors. YOu would think that they would try to do all they can so that you wouldn't have a third loss. Someties i really wonder, why is three the number that will make them try and do some things. Geesh i wish i could just snap my fingers and you have the right doctor there with you. I also know how you feel about keeping the pregnancy and wanting to try again, it's such and emotional roller coaster. But i am holding on and hoping with you sweet friend. Sending you hugs, love and and an award for you on my blog ;O) I pray that you get answers soon (before there is even a question or thought about a third loss)

  3. My heart breaks for you and the pain you're feeling. It must be so frustrating to want answers and to be pushed aside:( Please know that I think of you often and pray for you. Please continue to keep us updated. Sending hugs and love!

  4. Just knowing exactly how you feel, as I've been there. I wish those doctors had been more helpful and tried to make you feel more at ease. No one should have to suffer loss at all, but certainly not more than one. Unfortunately it does happen, as some of us know. I'm praying for you my sweedish beauty of a friend! I wish you were closer, so we could find you the perfect doctor, these girls over here are some researching, helping, encouraging girls. I wish we were closer!!! I love you and am praying for you and hubby!!!

  5. Sweetest Angie,

    You must be so frusterated with going for another opinion to only be given a pat on the back and told to try again. The magic number 3 is rediculous, as after 3 losses a persons mental health is near ruinous condition. You are a medical professional yourself sweet friend. Do NOT take no for an answer! If you want further testing then find someone somewhere to do it. I was very blunt and honest with my OB when I told her that I wanted to rule out any possible problems. She was non chelant, but agreed to send me to an RE and I am glad I went. Sometimes we have to fight for the answers we want.

    Look and see if you have any other options sweet friend. If you want to know what tests were done on all of us here in the states, just let us know and we will provide the information.

    More than anything, be good to yourself and know that I pray for you always. My heart aches for all that you are going through and I wish I lived nearer to you, as I would give you a BIG HUG and then help you find alternatives.

    Let us know what we can do to help you...and I will continue sending up prayers for you and Dave.

    Much Love