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Thursday, December 16, 2010

EDD blues ( trying to honour my angels and all angel babies)

December has been a terrible month for me .
I didnt look forward to it at all as I found it hard to prepare for and celebrate Christmas at the same time as Im grieving my losses still.
Im am sad because of the broken dreams , I am sad because I dont have a one year old baby in the house as I should have had as today is my EDD for baby angel Adam that was due 16 th of dec 2009.
I am sad because me and my husband are so different in how we handle the situation ....he tends to keep his feelings within and I feel left alone . I am sad that Im not pregnant as I should have been if it wasnt for my second loss in August this year.
This Christmas we are still two people in our family  and no child.
To be honnest I havent coped well at all this month.
Me and hubby have argued a lot but thankfully also had some good conversations in between and hopefully we have come closer to eachother.
I went on sick -leave this week as I couldnt keep myself together , I felt that I dont have much to give at work right now  and decided to stay at home and mind my broken heart.
I have been grieving for 3 days and I hardly left the house .
I was feeling sorry for myself and was wondering why  me ? why does this happen to anyone ?
What if I will never be able to conceive again and have a healthy pregnancy? Why do I have to experience the loss of two babies ? Why is my husband so different to me ? Why cant he comfort me the way I want to be comforted ?
The fear took me over and I was so sad .

But then a miracle happened ! I began to think about my angels and their little spirits and I began to think that I cant  continue like this as I dont think they want to see me like this .They dont want their mother to suffer and be depressed , that Im certain of.

My grief turned into energy and I decided that I must keep going and try to be the best person I can be .
While grieving I forgot about this .
I do need to keep going and do my best in order to honour my angels so that their short existance in this world will have a meaning .
Even if I have suffered a lot and still grieve  my book is not yet closed and i DO have opportunities .
I have called up the IVF clinic to talk about their policy and they do treatments until you are 39 ( thats if you want the costs covered by the state  and then  after age 39  you can also try but have to cover the costs yourself)
That means  that I , at age 37 can still do a few stimulated cycles but without IVF and I still have time to do IVF during this year and even next .I need to do a few more stimulated or natural cycles to feel that Im ready to move on to IFV  as I dont feel  like that right now.I need to find out what stimulated cycles can do for us first.
Theoretically  I could even have 2 children if it works.... the thing is that I dont know IF it will work BUT i am going to go ahead and TRY and do my best and HOPE  for the best .
Yesterday I started the " DO MY BEST "  life and I have started to decorate our house for Christmas ( Even if I previously had intended not to do anything at all and skip Christmas)
I have bought flowers  and cushions and will go into town to try to get new curtains .
I will send Christmas cards and buy presents .I will find a charity and try to help someone in need.
I will try to do my best to celebrate Christmas  being in the place I am and I will try to keep HOPE for good things to happen in the future .
(And yes we did / do  TTC this month)

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

My prayer

First  I want to say that I am so thankful for all support , often I see this blog as a diary but it has its special beauty as wonderful people stop by and leave comments that lifts me up .
I am forever grateful that I live in times when this is possible.I hope I can  help  other people in the same way in the future.
Thank you all  for  taking time to make a comment.

I have had two difficult weeks trying to sort things out with hubby and we have had some good conversations among the arguments and I see that he is trying to make peace.I know its not easy for him either.

Now its soon time to TTC again and I decdided I need  to ask God for help :

Please God help me to get rid of the fear to conceive again - I am so afraid to suffer another loss , I dont know if I can take it once more .

Please help me to find peace and balance so that I can take a step forward and try to conceive with hope and not fear.

Thank you God for all the wonderful people that surround me and  are so generous with love and support .