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Thursday, December 16, 2010

EDD blues ( trying to honour my angels and all angel babies)

December has been a terrible month for me .
I didnt look forward to it at all as I found it hard to prepare for and celebrate Christmas at the same time as Im grieving my losses still.
Im am sad because of the broken dreams , I am sad because I dont have a one year old baby in the house as I should have had as today is my EDD for baby angel Adam that was due 16 th of dec 2009.
I am sad because me and my husband are so different in how we handle the situation ....he tends to keep his feelings within and I feel left alone . I am sad that Im not pregnant as I should have been if it wasnt for my second loss in August this year.
This Christmas we are still two people in our family  and no child.
To be honnest I havent coped well at all this month.
Me and hubby have argued a lot but thankfully also had some good conversations in between and hopefully we have come closer to eachother.
I went on sick -leave this week as I couldnt keep myself together , I felt that I dont have much to give at work right now  and decided to stay at home and mind my broken heart.
I have been grieving for 3 days and I hardly left the house .
I was feeling sorry for myself and was wondering why  me ? why does this happen to anyone ?
What if I will never be able to conceive again and have a healthy pregnancy? Why do I have to experience the loss of two babies ? Why is my husband so different to me ? Why cant he comfort me the way I want to be comforted ?
The fear took me over and I was so sad .

But then a miracle happened ! I began to think about my angels and their little spirits and I began to think that I cant  continue like this as I dont think they want to see me like this .They dont want their mother to suffer and be depressed , that Im certain of.

My grief turned into energy and I decided that I must keep going and try to be the best person I can be .
While grieving I forgot about this .
I do need to keep going and do my best in order to honour my angels so that their short existance in this world will have a meaning .
Even if I have suffered a lot and still grieve  my book is not yet closed and i DO have opportunities .
I have called up the IVF clinic to talk about their policy and they do treatments until you are 39 ( thats if you want the costs covered by the state  and then  after age 39  you can also try but have to cover the costs yourself)
That means  that I , at age 37 can still do a few stimulated cycles but without IVF and I still have time to do IVF during this year and even next .I need to do a few more stimulated or natural cycles to feel that Im ready to move on to IFV  as I dont feel  like that right now.I need to find out what stimulated cycles can do for us first.
Theoretically  I could even have 2 children if it works.... the thing is that I dont know IF it will work BUT i am going to go ahead and TRY and do my best and HOPE  for the best .
Yesterday I started the " DO MY BEST "  life and I have started to decorate our house for Christmas ( Even if I previously had intended not to do anything at all and skip Christmas)
I have bought flowers  and cushions and will go into town to try to get new curtains .
I will send Christmas cards and buy presents .I will find a charity and try to help someone in need.
I will try to do my best to celebrate Christmas  being in the place I am and I will try to keep HOPE for good things to happen in the future .
(And yes we did / do  TTC this month)


  1. So proud of you Angie! And I know your angels are too!!


  2. Sweetest Angie,

    The same thing happened to me last year...I had little motivation and was immersed in grief. Then, I had a moment where I wanted to honor Christian's life by helping others. I did just as you are doing, I went out and helped with a clothing drive to meet the needs of homeless men, women and children. It felt so good!

    I admire your thought process and how you turned your grief into something positive. It's hard work, but you are doing beautifully.

    As for husbands being on another planet....they just are. Mine never felt like I did, never grieved like I did, never faced the pain of failed cycles like I did or had the constant yearning for a baby like I did. Life for him went forward....and my life stood still.

    I feel so strongly for your broken heart, as I know what that feels like. Continue to research your options and make decisions that are fitting for you. However, overall, don't count yourself out, as you have many positives to look are healthy, still young, have great hormone levels, and you have options with the fertility clinic and as you say, could walk away with more than 1 baby :) And you always have GOD at your side....and 4 friends who love you!

    Sending you love, prayers and HUGS always,

    ps If I can do anything for you I will. Lifting you and your aching heart today and always.

  3. Sweet Angie,

    I'm right there with you! Been pretty low lately, but by the grace of God I am feeling more at peace these last couple of days. I too am going to take a page from your book and do what I can to make my baby proud of me:) I pray that these uplifting days continue.

    You are still have time and you still have options. Do what's right for you! I have faith that everything will work out in the end because you are so deserving!

    I look forward to hearing more wonderful things from your bright future!

  4. Angie,
    I am so sorry that you have been down. But i am happy to see that you are trying to look up and Do your besst. I wish you grace and peace and just and unexplainable comfort to keep trudging ahead. I hate that your heart is hurting, but i know the one who can heal it and I will be praying for you. Sending you lots and lots of love. I so hope you began to feel better each day.

  5. You are just too precious! Your spirit, your smile, your zest for life comes through even in the lowest of times! I admire your tenacity and your positive spin on what you could have allowed to become overwhelming despair!!! I know you make your angels proud and I continue to pray for God's guidance for you on your next steps!!! So much love to you and I hope your Christmas sparkles and your new year is immensely blessed!!!

  6. I'm SOOOO behind in blog reading...but have had you on my heart and am glad that you are going to try to funnel the grief into something that may bring some joy. That's REALLY hard--and I also admire your gumption to do so. People don't realize how hard it really is to do that when your heart hurts so...I'm TOTALLY rooting for you and praying for you and hope that you had a gentle Christmas and that 2011 is a better, brighter year!