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Monday, January 3, 2011

Do I dare to hope for a Happy New Year 2011?

I dont know how to start this post ...

First I want to wish everybody  a Wonderful  New  Year .
I hope that  the babylost mothers that are trying to conceive( one of them is me )  will go on to a happy and healthy pregnancy and have a baby to take care of  this year.
For those that are expecting a baby I hope and pray for a normal pregnancy and that you will welcome a perfect child to the world  this year.

To be honnest ,thinking about the New Year  fills me with both hope and fear ....
I would love to write about how positive I am  and how much I look forward to the new year but I cant help feeling fear too , will it really be better ?

What will happen ?
Will we conceive naturally as I wish to do or will we move on to IVF ?
Will IVF work ?
Will our relationship survive the pressure of infertility and TTC " on demand"

Immediately after writing this I realize how negative it sounds ....but how can it not when I look back at the last two years  and remember the loss of our first angel Adam , the loss of my father and  the loss of our second angel baby .
If somebody had told me this was going to happen to me lets say  5 years ago it would have been hard to believe , but here I am and I have survived all this.

It has changed  me forever and in my good moments I am proud of myself for having survived it .
I have grieved but I have also tried to live and keep myself busy and keep up a normality .
Today I looked through our photographs from the last two years and it was a strange feeling :
we have done " normal " things , we have travelled , we have had family gatherings , we celebrated Christmas and New Year this year too .
I look at myself on the photographs and I look " normal "  nobody can tell by looking a t me on the photograph that I have gone through so much heart-break the last two years:
I can still smile and look " normal "
The thing is that I am not " normal " anymore or maybe I should rather say that I am not the person I used to be .
I miss the person I used to be , I was happier then ...
Now I struggle to have hope when it used to come to me spontanously before ,
I used to take for granted that I was going to have a wonderful life , but now I´m not so sure ...I nearly expect another disaster in my life instead of expecting the good....
When I look at our photos from last year my life looks great : we have gone to nice places ,we have enjoyed meeting family and friends  and I know this is also a true picture and I am grateful for being able to do them - we have done many nice things but it is as I cant believe that I have done all that , that I am the smiling person on the photo...
In one way I wish I could forget about the last two years but at the same time they are now a part of me , insepereable .
I want to believe  that this year will be a good one , that I will eventually feel happy so much that it will take away the pain from the last two years .
I want to feel positive and optimistic thinking that now it should only get better....but  its hard for me to do ,there is always the little doubt that says " what if its not going to get better ? "

I am thankful that I spent Christmas and New year  on the 2 ww and still wait it at least gave me some space to hope and keep up my spirit.

I try to be proud of myself for making efforts to celebrate Christmas and New Year , to decorate our home , to host my family for Christmas and to get dressed up and go out to celebrate the New Year .
I hope it will be a good year this time .

                                         Ready to celebrate beginning of 2011
                                                   A sunny winter day (view from our balcony)

                                                   Christmas flower arrangement with angel
                                                   Flower arrangement to honour our two angel babies
After the snowstorm outside


  1. You look so pretty and it is amazing to look and see your own smiling face when you don't always feel that smile in your heart! Just sending you love, knowing how hard it is to be hopeful sometimes! It's completely normal with all you've been through! I'm always here to help you navigate through, we all are!!!

  2. Sweetest Angie,

    One could not blame you for the way that you feel. I felt very empty, sad and wondered "if" things would ever happen for us as well. It's just so incredibly difficult to get up each day and try to be positive when things aren't working as planned. I'll be honest, TTC and loss changed my life forever. My heart goes out to you, as you have endured so much.

    However, as Deni said, we are all here for you to help you navigate this journey. I have faith in your future :) Just as you have told me so many times, don't give up.

    Much Love

    ps you look beautiful

  3. You should be proud of yourself - you've made it through the holidays, and well!


  4. Angie,
    You look goregeous! I wish that you soon began to feel the way you look on your pictures. Yes this is one hard journey to navigate, but if we don't have hope what do we have. But also know that when you can't we are here to hope for you and tie your rope until you are strong again. Just want to send you love and want you to know that i am here for you however you need me to be. HOping in 2011 with you sweet friend