Thursday, January 6, 2011
wow ! I feel better !!!! Blogging is healing .
The last three days I have spent at home ( took some days off , and today is a holiday anyway here)
I didnt do much those days - I have spent hours reading blogs and reading my previous posts , looking at old photographs .
Some people would probably call it a waste of time but this is what I wanted to do and I decided to do what I want and need , to give myself some " me -time "
Somehow it worked out well and slowly I began to feel better .
I found many inspiring words on other blogs and my heart changed and I feel hopeful again.
Nothing special happened in my real life ....Im still in the 2 ww and pending between wanting to be pregnant and fear of being pregnant and risk another loss ...yet I feel more balanced and hopeful .
I am even thinking of what fun things I can do this year with or without being pregnant ...
I have only one life and I have to enjoy the things I can enjoy , not let my life pass me by and give in to depression.
I have to surrender to God and acknowledge that I have no control over this .
I have heard and read so many times that its good to give your pain and grief to God , to surrender and admit that HE is in control , not me, but it has been so hard for me .
I always thought that if I try harder , if I do more , learn more , become a better person and so on then I can influence things
My therapist has also tried to show me that not everything that happens is in my control , but it has been so hard for me to comprehend as its scary to let go and acknowledge that over some things I HAVE NO CONTROL....
The last few days I began to really SEE what this means .
It doesnt leave me hopeless as I do believe in a higher power ,a God and while reading blogs I have came across wonderful bible texts that are so full of hope and this fills my heart with hope and a cautious joy .
Those texts I have read before but I have never been able to fully embrace the meaning of them and feel it .
Now I can and its a miracle and all this is thanks to blogging and those wonderful people out there sharing their thoughts and insights .
I am forever grateful for all of you that have left comments for me when I was sad and down and struggling with my grief all of you have contributed to the miracle of healing .
I guess I just moved on in the grieving proces that I hate and would like to skip but yet cant escape .
I really hate this grieving proces , I wish I knew a way to walk around it but I dont , you just have to let go and feel all you feel and let it shake you until there is less hurt and sadness and you are ready to move on .
I know that even if I hate the steps of the grieving proces , it has forced ,me to develop and become a better person and I am so happy and grateful for all those people here in the blogosphere that I have met and that have inspired me .I know I wouldnt be the same person without you.
My blog has been a sad place the last few months but I hope I will be able to fill it also with positive , hopeful and optimistic posts and I want to enjoy life to 100% again.