Search This Blog

Sunday, August 8, 2010

The hope is gone for this pregnancy

First I want to thank you everyone for stopping by and write me some words of comfort .
I warms my heart to know that there is people out there that understand and care and pray for me and wish me well .
In a world where miscarriage and infertility is still pretty much taboo  Im so grateful to have found so much support , this is something that all the money in the world cant buy , it makes me keep my hope when its really low .I dont know what I would have done without it .

Unfortunately  I have bad news as 2 days ago I started to bleed  and the bleeding continues so I miscarried again.
I feel tired and sad and numb .
I think life is so unfair , why cant I at least have one normal pregnancy ? And bring at least one healthy baby to this world?
I know we will try again as there is so much to gain by trying but right now I need to heal  both physically and emotionally .
I decided to take a week off work  as I  was supposed to start working tomorrow ( monday ) but I cant decide if I want to say that I had a miscarriage as I dont think I can handle questions and  other peoples reaction right now .
At the same time I dont like to keep it a secret because then I contribute to the taboo of miscarriage .
I think Im not strong enough to face questions and hugs and comments about it yet so I will probably not say  what happened yet.
I dont think I can go in to work yet as I feel I need some time to heal before I go back .

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Wonderful was short now devastated for the second time. ( Blighted ovum? )

Hi ,

I havent been posting for a while ,I have been on a holiday for 10 days and took a break from emails and blogs as well.
Most of all I have been " holding my breath" just waiting and hoping for my pregnancy to progress and get passed the 1 st trimester .
However on Sunday the 1 st of August I got a slight bleeding  and my peace of mind left me .
The day after I went with my sister to the clinic of gynecology and eventually had an ultrasound done which showed a  sac but a very tiny fetal pole .The doctor said it could be either a blighted ovum or to early in the pregnancy to see the fetal pole with ultrasound so now we have to wait a week and go back for another ultrasound then.

Im devastated as I think that by now ( week 7/ 8 ) there should be a little heartbeat visible .I dont have much hope at all.I think if there will be a heartbeat next week thats probably a miracle.
Im so sad as I was so hopeful for this pregnancy .
Before I went on the holiday I asked the midwife to check my progesterone levels and B-Hcg.
Progesterone was 28 and B-Hcg 1800 which seemed to be normal for a 5-6 weeks pregnancy according to all tables I could find online.Different tables show different limits but I was within the norm on all of them that I checked ( 3-4 ) .I decided not to take any extra progesterone then and hoped for the best .

Today I feel so depressed.I was hoping so much we would be able to conceive naturally  but now it doesnt look like it will work.
I find the information on SCSA DFI - ( Hubby has got high dna defragmentation levels on the semen test)  so confusing : from what I can read high SCSA DFI makes it hard to conceive and it even makes IVF hard to succeed as the embryos wont develope properly but in our case we are able to get pregnant naturally but then the pregnancy doesnt seem to progress past week 7-8.
We have been talking about what to do next .
Should we try naturally a third time or just go for IVF /ICSI as the fertility clinic recomends ?
We havent decided yet but one option could be that hubby goes on detox and acupuncture ( he only tried acupuncture twice before I got pregnant last time  but the acupuncturist recomended  5-10 times )
and I of course will also join him in the detox more or less ( no alcohol , healthy food , low carb diet ,exercise )
Or maybe that is pointless and we should not waist time and just for for IVF /ICSI directly ?

Oh this is such a hard road to walk .How I wish we had started to conceive earlier ( Im now 37 and hubby will be 38 this year) .
Im back on the emotional rollercoaster and now I feel so sad and depressed thinking what if thoughts.
Im on holiday this week too  but next week Im supposed to go back to work but I dont know if I can make it? How can I go back and pretend that everyting is ok ?
Im angry at God , why does he let this happen to me or to anyone at all? Why do we have to suffer so much?
After my first miscarriage I was devastated but I still had some hope to conceive again but now its different , Im not sure if we ever will be able to conceive naturally or even with IVF , given our male factor problem.
I know I sound very negative now , maybe miracles can happen but Im just so sad today and my hope is so low.
Today is also the first year anniversary of my fathers death and as  I was pregnant I didnt plan to go to the grave as it involves flying and I had decided not to fly during the first trimester .
I will ask the priest in church to say mass for him on Sunday if I just can get myself together and get out of the house ...