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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Wonderful was short now devastated for the second time. ( Blighted ovum? )

Hi ,

I havent been posting for a while ,I have been on a holiday for 10 days and took a break from emails and blogs as well.
Most of all I have been " holding my breath" just waiting and hoping for my pregnancy to progress and get passed the 1 st trimester .
However on Sunday the 1 st of August I got a slight bleeding  and my peace of mind left me .
The day after I went with my sister to the clinic of gynecology and eventually had an ultrasound done which showed a  sac but a very tiny fetal pole .The doctor said it could be either a blighted ovum or to early in the pregnancy to see the fetal pole with ultrasound so now we have to wait a week and go back for another ultrasound then.

Im devastated as I think that by now ( week 7/ 8 ) there should be a little heartbeat visible .I dont have much hope at all.I think if there will be a heartbeat next week thats probably a miracle.
Im so sad as I was so hopeful for this pregnancy .
Before I went on the holiday I asked the midwife to check my progesterone levels and B-Hcg.
Progesterone was 28 and B-Hcg 1800 which seemed to be normal for a 5-6 weeks pregnancy according to all tables I could find online.Different tables show different limits but I was within the norm on all of them that I checked ( 3-4 ) .I decided not to take any extra progesterone then and hoped for the best .

Today I feel so depressed.I was hoping so much we would be able to conceive naturally  but now it doesnt look like it will work.
I find the information on SCSA DFI - ( Hubby has got high dna defragmentation levels on the semen test)  so confusing : from what I can read high SCSA DFI makes it hard to conceive and it even makes IVF hard to succeed as the embryos wont develope properly but in our case we are able to get pregnant naturally but then the pregnancy doesnt seem to progress past week 7-8.
We have been talking about what to do next .
Should we try naturally a third time or just go for IVF /ICSI as the fertility clinic recomends ?
We havent decided yet but one option could be that hubby goes on detox and acupuncture ( he only tried acupuncture twice before I got pregnant last time  but the acupuncturist recomended  5-10 times )
and I of course will also join him in the detox more or less ( no alcohol , healthy food , low carb diet ,exercise )
Or maybe that is pointless and we should not waist time and just for for IVF /ICSI directly ?

Oh this is such a hard road to walk .How I wish we had started to conceive earlier ( Im now 37 and hubby will be 38 this year) .
Im back on the emotional rollercoaster and now I feel so sad and depressed thinking what if thoughts.
Im on holiday this week too  but next week Im supposed to go back to work but I dont know if I can make it? How can I go back and pretend that everyting is ok ?
Im angry at God , why does he let this happen to me or to anyone at all? Why do we have to suffer so much?
After my first miscarriage I was devastated but I still had some hope to conceive again but now its different , Im not sure if we ever will be able to conceive naturally or even with IVF , given our male factor problem.
I know I sound very negative now , maybe miracles can happen but Im just so sad today and my hope is so low.
Today is also the first year anniversary of my fathers death and as  I was pregnant I didnt plan to go to the grave as it involves flying and I had decided not to fly during the first trimester .
I will ask the priest in church to say mass for him on Sunday if I just can get myself together and get out of the house ...


  1. Precious Friend,

    I sit here in tears and pray for you. My heart is aching for you and your thoughts resonate so much of what I have been feeling lately. You are in an awful place of wanting to be hopefull, yet guarding your heart and trying to keep your composure.

    You asked "how do I go to work and act normal"? There is no way possible to go to work and behave normally. Harboring these emotions would not be somthing I would recommend. I know your patients need you at work, but you also have to take care of yourself. The better you are to yourself, the better you will be to others.

    Also, you mentioned being angry at God and I relate. I am not necessarily angry at God, but do find myself angry in general. Angry that I am faced with repeated disappointment and that things simply are not going according to MY PLAN. I've always been the woman who had a back up plan to my back up plan and now I have no control, which makes me angry.

    I wish there were something that I could do for you. Take you for a cup of tea, give you a HUG and just tell you that you WILL make it through this. Life just does not go according to plan sometimes and that is so incredibly cruel.

    However, don't give up completely, stay as positive as you can and I am going to pray for you and Dave and your baby. As for the questions of not trying earlier, I have those too and want to write a post on my blog about my feelings. Perhaps you can get in for a session with your therapist and talk through these angry emotions. I'm working on getting an appointment myself, as I can no longer do this alone...its just too hard.

    Praying for you my sweet friend. I am here for you in any way that you need me. And, I will be thinking of you as you remember your Father.

    Love to you,

  2. I'm so, so sorry Angie, that you are going through this right now. My heart aches for you and I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom, but just don't. It hurts, and anger and disappointment are absolutely part of it all.

    I am angry that I DID start trying earlier--over 11 years ago--and yet, here I am--STILL...a mother but without the little one to show for it and desperately praying to get to the other side where I will.

    And yet...sort of like Andrea, I'm not necessarily angry at God--just more angry in general...that people suffer like this when others just go through life in oblivion and ignorance.

    I have to say though that because you do have the option of the ICSI/IVF, there's still something to hold onto, as hard as it may be. I know it's scary to make the decisions as to where to go, but once made, I pray you will have some peace, whatever the decision is.

    But mostly right now, I am praying for you and that when you go back to the doctor, you see a stronger pole and what you should be seeing for this stage. I am praying for you and your precious little one.

  3. Oh Angie, I'm so sorry. I know that utter feeling of dispare following a second loss, it's like it sucks the wind right out of your sails and takes your hope from you. There is nothing more that I can do so say that will make it better, other than telling you that I love you immensely and wish I was where I could hug you and let you vent out all of your feelings to someone who understands in person! I was soooo angry with God after my second loss, I've learned since that it's because I had no where to place my anger, but I've read a few books that helped, let me know if you want the titles!!

    Sending you so much love and so many prayers!

  4. Angie,
    I am wrapping my arms around you. I know that it is hard to have hope at a moment like this, but know that i am hoping for you and holding you up. Eventhough moments like this i don't feel it, i still believe miracles can happen. As you said the odds of getting pg naturally were low but you still got pg. So i have hope for you my friend. Sending you love and praying for you . HUGS

  5. I don't have words, just wanting to tell you that I am sorry and thinking about you.

  6. Sweet Angie...I am praying for your miracle. Sending you hugs and love.

  7. I am coming here from Andrea's blog. I am praying for you. xoxo....I dont have words either...I just hope there is a miracle for you (((((hugs))))))

  8. This info came to me and placed a huge weight on my chest, as all I can do is pray that this doesnt happen again. It was truly a miracle for you to get pregnant again, and I just pray this miracle hangs on....with you and wrapping you in lots of love no matter nan xxx

  9. Angie, my heart knows the pain you feel right now. PLEASE don't loose hope. In my last pregnancy, the same thing happend!! I refused to accept it and believed for my miracle. Refuse what the machine shows and believe that your child is growing as you read this. I am going to pray for you right now....

    GOD Bless.

  10. Hi Angie,
    Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and hoping that you continue to believe. Good things are meant for you...stay as positive as you can be. ((hugs))