I havent been posting for a while ,I have been on a holiday for 10 days and took a break from emails and blogs as well.
Most of all I have been " holding my breath" just waiting and hoping for my pregnancy to progress and get passed the 1 st trimester .
However on Sunday the 1 st of August I got a slight bleeding and my peace of mind left me .
The day after I went with my sister to the clinic of gynecology and eventually had an ultrasound done which showed a sac but a very tiny fetal pole .The doctor said it could be either a blighted ovum or to early in the pregnancy to see the fetal pole with ultrasound so now we have to wait a week and go back for another ultrasound then.
Im devastated as I think that by now ( week 7/ 8 ) there should be a little heartbeat visible .I dont have much hope at all.I think if there will be a heartbeat next week thats probably a miracle.
Im so sad as I was so hopeful for this pregnancy .
Before I went on the holiday I asked the midwife to check my progesterone levels and B-Hcg.
Progesterone was 28 and B-Hcg 1800 which seemed to be normal for a 5-6 weeks pregnancy according to all tables I could find online.Different tables show different limits but I was within the norm on all of them that I checked ( 3-4 ) .I decided not to take any extra progesterone then and hoped for the best .
Today I feel so depressed.I was hoping so much we would be able to conceive naturally but now it doesnt look like it will work.
I find the information on SCSA DFI - ( Hubby has got high dna defragmentation levels on the semen test) so confusing : from what I can read high SCSA DFI makes it hard to conceive and it even makes IVF hard to succeed as the embryos wont develope properly but in our case we are able to get pregnant naturally but then the pregnancy doesnt seem to progress past week 7-8.
We have been talking about what to do next .
Should we try naturally a third time or just go for IVF /ICSI as the fertility clinic recomends ?
We havent decided yet but one option could be that hubby goes on detox and acupuncture ( he only tried acupuncture twice before I got pregnant last time but the acupuncturist recomended 5-10 times )
and I of course will also join him in the detox more or less ( no alcohol , healthy food , low carb diet ,exercise )
Or maybe that is pointless and we should not waist time and just for for IVF /ICSI directly ?
Oh this is such a hard road to walk .How I wish we had started to conceive earlier ( Im now 37 and hubby will be 38 this year) .
Im back on the emotional rollercoaster and now I feel so sad and depressed thinking what if thoughts.
Im on holiday this week too but next week Im supposed to go back to work but I dont know if I can make it? How can I go back and pretend that everyting is ok ?
Im angry at God , why does he let this happen to me or to anyone at all? Why do we have to suffer so much?
After my first miscarriage I was devastated but I still had some hope to conceive again but now its different , Im not sure if we ever will be able to conceive naturally or even with IVF , given our male factor problem.
I know I sound very negative now , maybe miracles can happen but Im just so sad today and my hope is so low.
Today is also the first year anniversary of my fathers death and as I was pregnant I didnt plan to go to the grave as it involves flying and I had decided not to fly during the first trimester .
I will ask the priest in church to say mass for him on Sunday if I just can get myself together and get out of the house ...