From denial to pain

This blog has become a place to ease my heart , I tend  come here to write when Im sad , when I need to vent .I havent been able to write for a while and I have missed it . I do need my blogging and reading my fellow bloggers to keep myself sane
The last few weeks I have been in denial I think , I just wanted to escape the pain by keeping myself very busy , trying not to feel and not to deal with my pain as if I could escape it that way.I was hosting friends and relatives in our home , I was working alot and shopping and training .
But it didnt work ,I cant escape the pain
On Thursday I went to a new gynecologist hoping to get some blood tests done to rule out immunological and blood clotting desease .
I had booked an appointment in a private clinic as the doctors at the university clinic dont do any tests until you have 3 miscarriages .
To make a long story short the whole visit was a disaster.
It turned out that I was not booked in to the fertility specialist but to a general gynecologist that admitted herself that she is not familiar with infertility issues !
This despite the fact that I had very carefully explained to the secretary that booked the appointment that I had 2 miscarriages and want to do some testing because of that as I dont want to find myself in a situation where I suffer miscarraige nr 3 just to learn that it was because of something that could have been prevented .
The doctor was very formal and expressed no empathy whatsoever after hearing that I suffered my 2 nd loss just a month ago  , the most comforting she said was that miscarriage is common and its common to have one child and then a miscarriage and then have a child again .
YES maybe but  its just that I dont have any children at all  I wanted to scream but I said nothing just trying to not burst into tears .Doctors should be tested for empathy to be allowed to practice !

The fertility specialist comes once a month ( It sounds like I live in a village in the desert and not in an university town ) so now I have to wait again !

This was enough to push me over the edge .My heart has been heavy since then and today it totally escalated : I didnt get out of bed until 12 and I didnt go out at all , I feel so depressed today , its like everything is against me .I know Im oversensitive right now because of the whole situation but I feel so helpless and I hate it . I have no control over this and I just have to keep waiting .....
Waiting for AF to come back  and to start TTC again . If I get pregnant again I have to go through the fear of loosing that baby too ...
My feelings are in contradiction : in one way I do want to get pregnant again but at the same time Im afraid to TTC again as Im so afraid to have my hope crushed again .
I am so tired of this , its such a hard road  to walk.
It affects all my life :Im not as socially active as I used to be , I cant help but avoiding friends that are pregnant .One of my good friends is now pregnant  and I havent called her since my loss as I cant handle it .
Its her first child and she didnt notice it until like week 10  ( ! ) she has never had a miscarriage ( Thankfully , its not that I wish that on my worst enemy ) and with that she doesnt understand the pain of it .
Last time we met she said that she hopes that her state is " contagious " and will  affect me too ( That was before I knew I was pregnant  for the second time )  This didnt make me feel better but rather sad and " inferior "  as If there is something wrong with me that cant have what she has .Then she went on to say that when her boyfriend heard that another couple they know are expecting he said to her that" we have to try too so we are not behind  them " .....so what do you respond to that as a BLM ? ? ? I didnt ask to be in a competition!!!
I know I probably come across as odd for not calling her but I just cant right now.
With that said im not proud of what I just wrote , I wish I didnt feel that way cause it sounds like Im jealous .
T´hats not how I used to be before .
The interesting thing is that I dont feel hurt when I hear that someone that suffered miscarraige before is pregnant as I know how much it hurts to suffer a m /c and I just wish the best for that person ( I wish the best for all my pregnant friends too that havent had a m/ c   hm  I got myslf into something complicated ..)
I  hope so much  that one day I will be beyond all this , that I will be in balance .
I hope  that I will find the courage to TTC again  without fear ( well we have tried again  but many times when we " try " I get distracted and cant continue as I get afraid  which is something new)
I wanted to talk to a fertility expert to get advice on what to do next - should we try the natural way once more or just move on to  ART ?
If ART do we have to go for IVF /ICSI as first suggested to us or can we try IUI? Id rather try that first as its less invasive .
Now I have to wait another month to ask those questions and so we will try the normal way once more providing AF comes back  which I think should happen soon as I have a temp raise and sore boobs.

I was reading blogs half of the day today and it  did lift me up , it does work thanks God , I am so blessed to have this community.I am so grateful for all you ladies sharing your thoughts and your eperience , thanks to your willingness to be honnest and share your journeys you help others .