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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

How do you cope with your first year angleversary?


This month is the month when my baby went to heaven one year ago.
A whole year has passed since the bad news gave me a shock and changed me and my life probably forever.

I will never forget the screen with the image of my uterus with this little baby within but no heartbeat ...all my dreams that were connected with that baby and that pregnancy died and I lost control of my life ( forever ? )
I wish I could say that I have moved on , but unfortunately I cant .
The truth is that I havent fully moved on .

The last year has been a struggle to keep up normality and to keep going , a year full of sadness, grief , hope and dissapointment ( hope after TTC and then dissapointment after AF:s arrival, dissapointment to hear that hubby has crappy sperm but hope again after RE telling us its not so bad and still not useless to try the " normal" way)

Hope for healing but dissapointment that there is no quick fix to healing .
Parallel to the miscarriage I have also been dealing with my fathers death.
At times I have probably just disconnected from my feelings as it has been to much to handle at the same time , I have just " cut off " my feelings and just existed for a while as I didnt have the strength to proces it all at the same time .

The last year has been a sad year for me and I dont remember much of it after the loss ....its just like a fog and me struggling in it to get past it .

I try so hard to keep up a " normal " and "happy " side of me to not loose my old self totally but its hard at times .

A week ago I went to a therapist for the first time after my loss as I felt I need some help to move on and one thing that he indicated to me is that I should try to open up more , try to show how I feel and talk about what has happened .

This is many times very difficult for me as Im used to be" the strong one " the one that can take care of herself and cope with things and the one that helps other people and listens to other people.Lately I have felt that I cant even reach out to other people as I feel so energy less.

I also find it hard to talk about something that people dont want to talk about .

Nobody in the " real world " asks me how Im coping , if I think about the loss still or if I think about my father .
Im just supposed not to mention it , not to talk about it .

I realize it might be that people think I will be upset if they mention it but I still wish somebody would ask me and listen to me .

I have a need to talk about it and be listened to.

Im forever grateful that I have found the best support in the world on line and I know that I could never have made it without the amazing woman that I have met , that care to listen and give words of encouragement and send prayers .I know I am blessed to be a part of this community and thanks to you all I am a better person today .

Yet I wish people that are close to me in the real world would care more to ask me how I am and also take the time to listen to my answer , not just avoid it .

I admire all woman who tries to educate the society about this .
I was stunned to hear that babylost mums have started a radio show that deals with those topics .That is truly wonderful and so much needed.
I want to contribute to that in my own way by trying to open up more and talk about it despite that people expect me not to talk about it .I feel I need to do that for the sake of future babylost mums so that it will be easier for them to go through a loss .
Thats one of my goals - to open up more and talk about what has happened to me .
Its easy to say but I know its difficult to do it in reality .
I decided to write more as a training in opening up and talking about whats in my heart.

I want to face my angleversary and not deny it as I tried to do with my EDD.
I want to find peace and stop worrying , I want to start to live again as this has consumed my energy so much the past year.
I hope God will help me to do so .
I hope God will help me to face my angleversary in a graceful way .


  1. I think you are facing it in a MOST graceful way....

    Thinking of you! xoxox

  2. Just wanted to send you hugs! It's so hard, but I think opening up may be more healing than you can imagine. I know we are all different, but I feel best after getting to talk/share about our angel! I am praying for you!

  3. Sweetest Friend,

    As you know, we share the same month, May, for our Angelversaries. And, just as we endured our dreaded EDD's we will come through this date as well. I won't promise the Angelversary to be an easy day, it will be difficult. For me, the days leading up to the Angelversary, or 1st Heaven Day, were the worst. I found peace and "some" understanding in the actual day.

    To honor Christian I designed "sewing the seeds of LOVE", a project to pass along flower/herb seeds to other BLM's and honor our children. I HAD to do something, for him and most of all for me, as HE needs nothing...all is PERFECT in heaven. However, I needed to know that I honored his brief life and soothed my aching heart all the same. No one other than a fellow BLM could understand "why" there is such a great need to Mother a child in Heaven. Honor little Adam in your way what makes you feel good. I didn't discuss what I was doing to honor Christian with others, only the BLM community, as they are the only ones that fully understand. Think on it and you will come up with the "perfect" way to honor his life and we will be honoring Adam with you and loving you.

    No, life is not the same anymore. It's different and each day is a challenge, but worth living and persevering on in search of the dream that eludes us. Grieving takes a long time and we all go through it at our own pace. Some days we feel good and other days we can't function at complete capacity, but its normal given the situation. All we can do is will ourselves forward and find the positive in each day :)

    I'm glad you are seeing a therapist to help you work through things, as its healing :) Unfortunately, you were dealt a lot of loss in a short period of time. And, we grieve that he haven't conceived again as well...and we grieve that we are facing more drastic measures to have an earthly child. It's SO OVERWHELMING! BUT, we will make it! And, I refuse to believe any different.

    Be good to yourself and let me know what I can do for you. I'm here to ease your hurting heart however I can, okay? Just email anytime.

    I love you sweet friend, as you have lifted me many, many times with your optimistic words of wisdom. Now, let me do the same....

    Remember, we are just slightly past half time :)


  4. Angie,

    Sending you hugs sweet friend. I know it is hard to open up out loud as it is hard for me also, but i find that i write what i'm thinking a lot better than i say it out loud. So i say just keep writting as a way to help you build up to talking about it and also just ease your mind of things that may be running through it. thinking of you and sending you lots of love.

  5. i agree that no one in the outside world wants to really hear you talk about your grief. and that it is difficult to just 'bring it up' keep writing about it on here though, we all are happy to listen and HEAR you. having difficulties ttc after loss and your dad dying is a double whammy and i can relate to half of that, sending lots of love from over the seas, anne xxx

  6. Angie, my sweet friend, your year has been terribly hard. You have shown grace and strength through it all, but sometimes it's not strength that we need to show. Sometimes it's vulnerability that needs to shine through, for our own healing, and sometimes even to help others around you! I know you have a hard time sharing, but I will be praying that you can share more and open up more and let this burden off of your chest! I think writing is the best way to start. I find that when writing I can say so much and I think people expect that of me when I see some IRL too, and that's not always how I am. Just know that we (fab 4) are here for you, we're behind you and support you 100%. Sending you love, as I know this angelversary will be hard!

  7. Hi sweetie. I miss you!
    Its so hard with Adam's first heavenly birthday coming, and the only advice I can offer is to start doing things now if you feel suffocated, even something as small and sweet and simple as lighting a candle for him. You have received some wonderful advice and loving words above I echo them all. You have made some GIANT steps here by writing your thoughts and I encourage you to keep it up as much as you can. This is your safe place, your canvas, paint whatever you want on it. And always let us know if you need anything at all, as we are always here and pray for you every day.
    Thinking of Adam tonight. Love, Nan xxx