Today I had a very stressful day as I went for my first IVF appointment with Dave .
I know I said before we are going to postpone IVF until after the summer but meanwhile we got a referral from my gynecologist as we got the green light from the insurance to get 3 " free " trials ( This is the way it works here - you get 3 IVF trials for free that are financed by the public health care sector ) ( Our first consultation we did private as we didnt want to wait so long to discuss the results of the semen test) Now we got an appointment so I decided we better go to the IVF -clinic and get prepared and see what they have to say .
I was shocked after as it suddenly became so real - the injections , the egg-retrieval - no nice things ....I realized that this is for real and soon I will have to inject stuff in my belly fat ...we got all the prescriptions so if I want I can start it all after AF arrives in about 2 weeks .
My thoughts went to Nan , Lori and Anne that have already gone through it and I think you are such heroes !!!
" Holy Cow !!! " I felt weak when the midwife was showing me how the injectors and syringes work and wanted to try it on my belly ! I refused 2 or 3 times but she pushed me and didnt give up until I let her put that needle in my belly - fat .... what a shock ! ((Even if I realized it doesnt hurt )
I feel now that I definitely want to wait until after the summer - I need to build up som courage for this !!! I know I will do it if I have to but this wont be easy!!!
All you that went through it are so brave and strong !!!
I dread the egg retrieval as it seems horrible .
I need to wait and want to try some less invasive remedies as Clomid a few times before I give that up.
Four days ago I also went to my second therapy session and I was pleasantly surprised that the therapist didnt push me to " get over " things!
So far I really like my therapist and even if he is a man( nothing against men here but I have realized that men proces things different than woman and was a little worried that he wouldnt understand )
I do feel he gets a lot of things and I felt so reliefed that he didnt push me to move on as I had thought he would ....he even went a step further and twisted it around and indicated that it can equally be something wrong with the people that dont respect my grief and dont want to hear my " story " .Their reaction is due to defense mechanisms but just because they have them doesnt mean there is something wrong with me and my grief , I find that thought very comforting as I started to think that ´there is something wrong with me that cant get over things fully when some people have indicated to me that I should " get over it "
He lifted a heavy weight from my shoulders and i feel I can " breathe " again ....knowing its ok to greive as I want to makes it easier to face life´s daily obstacles .It prevents me from getting depressed I think ( its kind of a contradiction but the burden of feeling that there is something wrong with me that cant " move on " fully was so heavy to carry )
I left the therapy session with a smile that day and it felt great!
Today was a very mentally drainig day because of the visit to the IVF clinic .
I feel I need to digest it all.