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Monday, June 7, 2010

To IVF or not to IVF + insight from therapy

Today I had a very stressful day as I went for my first IVF appointment with Dave .
I know I said before we are going to postpone IVF until after the summer but meanwhile we got a referral from my gynecologist as we got the green light from the insurance to get 3 " free " trials ( This is the way it works here - you get 3 IVF trials for free that are financed by the public health care sector ) ( Our first consultation we did private as we didnt want to wait so long to discuss the results of the semen test) Now we got an appointment so I decided we better go to the IVF -clinic and get prepared and see what they have to say .
I was shocked after as it suddenly became so real - the injections , the egg-retrieval - no nice things ....I realized that this is for real and soon I will have to inject stuff in my belly fat ...we got all the prescriptions so if I want I can start it all after AF arrives in about 2 weeks .
My thoughts went to Nan , Lori and Anne that have already gone through it and I think you are such heroes !!!
" Holy Cow !!! " I felt weak when the midwife was showing me how the injectors and syringes work and wanted to try it on my belly ! I refused 2 or 3 times but she pushed me and didnt give up until I let her put that needle in my belly - fat .... what a shock ! ((Even if I realized it doesnt hurt )
I feel now that I definitely want to wait until after the summer - I need to build up som courage for this !!! I know I will do it if I have to but this wont be easy!!!
All you that went through it are so brave and strong !!!
I dread the egg retrieval as it seems horrible .
I need to wait and want to try some less invasive remedies as Clomid a few times before I give that up.

Four days ago I also went to my second therapy session and I was pleasantly surprised that the therapist didnt push me to " get over " things!
So far I really like my therapist and even if he is a man( nothing against men here but I have realized that men proces things different than woman and was a little worried that he wouldnt understand )
I do feel he gets a lot of things and I felt so reliefed that he didnt push me to move on as I had thought he would ....he even went a step further and twisted it around and indicated that it can equally be something wrong with the people that dont respect my grief and dont want to hear my " story " .Their reaction is due to defense mechanisms but just because they have them doesnt mean there is something wrong with me and my grief , I find that thought very comforting as I started to think that ´there is something wrong with me that cant get over things fully when some people have indicated to me that I should " get over it "
He lifted a heavy weight from my shoulders and i feel I can " breathe " again ....knowing its ok to greive as I want to makes it easier to face life´s daily obstacles .It prevents me from getting depressed I think ( its kind of a contradiction but the burden of feeling that there is something wrong with me that cant " move on " fully was so heavy to carry )
I left the therapy session with a smile that day and it felt great!

Today was a very mentally drainig day because of the visit to the IVF clinic .
I feel I need to digest it all.


  1. Sweetest Friend,

    I can't say that I know what it feels like to go for IVF consultation, but I can tell you that walking into that fertility clinic last week brought me to tears. I realized that we had almost reached the end of our road/options. It was daunting and scary and overwhelming.

    If you feel like you need time to absorb IVF, then take your time. You have to be in the "right mental place" to endure all that goes along with the process. I too look toward these ladies with admiration, as the process is difficult.

    I am going to pray that Clomid does the trick for you and you never have to inject yourself. Selfishly, I pray the same for me, but don't know if that's an option.

    As for your therapy session, I'm so happy your therapist told you that you could grieve on your own terms. It's important to know the process can not be rushed. At this point we are not only grieving our babies, but grieving infertility as well...its just so hard.

    Be good to yourself...I went for a massage on Friday and treated myself to a little spa visit. It was wonderful and I need to do it more often :) Continue to indulge in yourself and your hubby. Go for those nice dinners, walks and take time to enjoy eachother and remember you are a family...even 2 people constitute a family.

    AND, congrats on letting the nurse give you that injection. You jumped another hurdle!

    Much love and thank you for your friendship and concern for me.


  2. Angie, just sending you love as I know that just trying to process it all and decide what you can and can't do is overwhelming! I'm in such a conundrum now, but hubby and I did start talking about what other steps we are willing to take to see our dreams come true!

    I can't believe she was so pushy about the stick, but you are brave and you did do it and you can do anything that you put your mind to, as you are an amazingly strong, beautiful soul!!

    I'm so glad that the counselor helped you and let you know that grief is real and you have to go through it your own way. I believe it's true that other's relucatance to acknowledge it often stems from something within them, and it's not about us!!

    Sending you love and praying for insight for you in what to do and how to build up more and more courage!

  3. hey angie, aghhh i'm no hero hun, but thanks, i just focussed on the end result, medical stuff has never really bothered me either, i guess i was a bit fascinated by it all more than anything at the start. i also knew it was the only thing i could do if i ever wanted a child of my own again so i felt incredibly grateful to have ivf as an option available to me. it was because of my age that i skipped all the lead up to ivf as my re felt we would more than likely end up doing it but would have spent alot of extra time and money along the way. so for me it was straight to the big one.
    there is so nothing wrong with your grieving honey. it is fortunate that in todays world not many people have to experience the death of a baby , no-one else knows how to let us grieve as its not really part of our culture, they would rather we did in out of their faces. i'm sure we do sometimes but sometimes, if we ever want to leave the house, we have to go out and join the real world and thats just the way it is. sending loads of love, anne xxx

  4. Well, if truthful, I just didn't have any other choice...years of clomid/follistim/IUIs, all sorts of stuff--didn't work....IVF was it. So, knowing that, I bit the bullet.

    And honestly, it's not as bad as I made it to be. When you have someone pushing you, it's not easy--just know that when/if you give yourself injections, you will be in control and you won't have anyone pushing you. You can do it in your time and on your scale and it will get to where you don't even know it!!!

    And I'm SO glad you have a therapist who not only acknowledges you need to grieve but encourages you to do so. You do and don't let anyone make you feel like you aren't entitled to. People will try to tell you where you should be and what's good for you and they mean well but have no clue. It's YOUR loss and YOUR grief. You do what you need to with it.

    Much love and courage for you!!

  5. You were really brave going to you consultation. That alone was a very big step! You take your time and decide when the time is best for you. I am glad to hear that therapy is really helping you. I pray that great things come your way.