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Thursday, May 20, 2010

First year angleversary

Thank you Nan !




Today was the day I have been waiting for with some tension and fear .

One year since we lost our baby too soon.

I had taken the day off and planned to take it easy , plant a little tree that I have bought for him in a bigger pot as a way to remember Adam ( I have no garden just a balcony so I cant plant a " "real " tree)

My plans changed as I got busy with things I didnt expect ( finalizing a purchase of a new car ) which took me a half day and then I went on to make all those phone calls I normally dont have time to make and then my husband came back from work and the day was nearly over ...

I bought flowers , white lilies ,to put close to the rememberance stone Dave got on the EDD in December .

It hit me how the rest of the world moves on - not many of my family members and friends remembered , for them its not even something they remember but for me its something that changed my life probably forever .

I am so thankful that I have beautiful friends here in this blogging community that do remember and care to say some words of encouragement, it truly makes my heart smile and it gives me hope .

Today was a day when I let myself think about how Adam would have been , how he would have looked like now , how it would have been to look in his eyes and get a responsive smile ...

It doesnt make it easier that one of my best friends had a baby just a few week before Adam was due .

Whenever I talk to her I can hear her little one " talk" in the background and I wonder is that how Adam would have been like ?



Its so frustrating that we are still trying to conceive and are waiting impatiently for that + sign .We have been trying for 8 months now and no luck ...

I feel so unsure of what the future will bring but yet I do have some hope it will happen again and that we will have a happy end .

I havent given up even if its a tough road to get to the goal .

Tonight I will pray for Adam and all the other sweet angel babies that I know about , I believe their spirits are happy as they went straight to God in heaven and one day we will all be united .

But until then I have to keep going and do my best to be a better person and to keep trying to become and earthly mother too .




7 comments:

  1. Thinking of you and your sweet little Adam!
    xoxo

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  2. i;m glad you made it through the day hun, it sounds lovely that you allowed yourself time to think about what adam would be like, i think thats a very healing thing to do. i also understand the ttc road and am still waiting myself for that +++ . sending you lots of love, xxx anne

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  3. That rose opened today, right on sweet angel baby's date...see pics here:
    http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/GardenProgress52010#


    I am praying for your family today and always.

    Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday sweet Adam. Love, Auntie Nan and her girls xxxxx

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  4. Praying for you today! I bet they are celebrating extra big today in Heaven! Celebrating the day that sweet Adam arrived!

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  5. Sending you love precious friend! I didn't realize that Dave had gotten a rememberance stone, I love that! Our hearts do hurt and the pain of continuing to struggle for that +++ only seems to make it worse, but you have gotten so much stronger this year and been such a light to me! I know Adam is proud of his mommy, and is dancing in heaven with all of our babies! Praying peace for you your heart!

    Lots of Love and Hugs!!

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  6. Sending you lots of love Angie. Sorry I haven't been on to check my blogs lately but know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

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  7. Sweetest Friend,

    I'm so happy that Dave bought you the remembrance stone....so sweet and thoughtful. I also had things to take care of leading up to the days of Christian's 1st Heaven day and it irritated that I could not just focus on "him". However, I took time to honor him for many days and did eventualy get his little seed packets out to everyone :) I decided not to beat myself up or put time limits on things, as I will be honoring his brief life forever.

    Enjoy Adam's tree and send me pictures of it growing. I'd love to see more of your town too :)

    Love to you today and always...and know that I am right here with you as we continue on in search of our dream.

    xoxo
    Andrea

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