Oh , where do I begin ?
My head is still in a mess.
First I want to say thank you for all support !
Once again I find myself uplifted and soon ready to crawl up from the dark place I´ve been in for a while now .
It is a miracle in itself that I get to experience support from this amazing community of bloggers .
In a world when I cant even tell my family and my friends about our situation ( hubby is not ready to tell yet ) I get to communicate with people who understand and help me to cope .
Sending you all thanks and lots of love !
The last week has been a strange week for more than one reason :
we were supposed to go on a holiday abroad as Dave is changing jobs and we intentionally left a gap of 2 weeks between his jobs to be able to go on a well deserved holiday together.
We had big plans and wanted to go to Dubai for 10 days for a break .
But our plans had to be postponed because of .... a Volcano in Iceland that erupts and produces ashes that can cause damage to the planes engines.
I couldnt believe its true ! But the airport was closed for many days and when it opened some days ago we decided not to go abroad as one week of the holiday was already consumed and there is no guarantee that the volcano wont erupt again and Dave absolutely doesnt want to risk to get stuck in Dubai and not being able to come back in time to start his new job....
So what can you do when flying is not an option ?
We ended up in a Spa -hotel about 1 1/2 hours drive from home !!!
I did enjoy it as we got a change of environment and some distraction from our daily life .
We enjoyed delicious food and had a spa treatment each .( I had a hot stone massage after getting the recomendation from Andrea and I have to say it was fantastic , the best massage I have ever got )
I was thankful we went even if it was just after getting the bad news on the semen test .
It made us proces our thoughts in the most stressfree environment as possible.
It was just me and hubby and we could go for walks at the sea and drive to little pikturesque resorts and enjoy lunch and coffee on the terrace ( yes there was some sunshine some of the days)
However wonderful is short and after coming home we both got depressed and 2 days went and I felt as if we were in a thick fog , just grieving and being numb and me reading up about male factor and high SCSA DFI on the internet .
We have slowly began our way out of the dark place ....
today we went for a walk , then went to the gym ( I convinced hubby to join me for a yoga class ; ) and it was fun to see him try ; ) its not so easy the first time but we had a great laugh about it ; ) so we havent lost our sense of humour even if we have lost our dreams and hopes of conceiveng a child into this world the " normal " way .
Hubby is still on detox and convinced to be so for the 3 months its supposed to take for the sperm to renew.No drinks , no sauna or hot baths, no coffe .....
I think its ok to try anyway as you never know in this business , miracles can happen !
If it doesnt work we will go for the IVF /Icsi if this is still recomended by the RE we will see on Wednesday.
Somehow I feel I need some time to get used to the thought of IVF /ICSI I dont know if I want to go for it already next month .....
I think I need some more time , maybe after the summer ?
I try to think that my book is not closed yet and that we have to try everything that is possible to try before we give up the dream of raising a child .
On a positive note I read that "our " IVF clinic has an age limit of 39 , ie you have to start your first cycle before age 39 ( you can get a package of 3 cycles that have to be used within 18 months so practically you can try IVF until you are 40 1/2 .This gives me hope as I just turned 37 recently and this would give us 3 years to try .
So here I am trying to navigate a new territory that I néver thought I would have to enter ( who did , I suppose ? )
So here comes the part 2 of TTC ; now its not only about Basal Body Temperature , OPK sticks and timed sex , now I have to get familiar with IVF /ICSI , DNA fragmentation , hormone injections ......I feel weak when I think about it but I guess I wont give up .
I still have some fighting spirit within , somewhere deep down.....
Hi--just visited from sweet Andrea and I just wanted to say that there is DEFINITELY hope!!!! Promise!!! We tried to build our family for 10 years with various procedures, adoption plans...you name it...we finally were blessed with our miracle IVF baby boy in November--though he only lived for a few short hours due to a very rare condition that shocked everyone.
ReplyDeleteWhich is not what I want to say.
What I want to say is that we are back into IVF and though my husband is "Superman" at the clinic, they are still recommending ICSI because I have hostile eggs. I think we should come up with a nicer term than that! Seriously, though...I'm your age as well, so I know the worries about age and I promise, there's so, so much out there that can be done! I just saw something on a tv show here, The Doctors, where a man who had NO sperm went through a relatively painless (easy for me to say with no um, well, boy parts) procedure where they could go in, look for and FIND sperm, do ICSI and the woman is pregnant with twins now. NOT that I'm saying that happens all the time, but that it happens. And those things happen to strangers, why not you????! There's hope, there's hope and I pray that you will be able to maintain it and hear comforting things from the doctor on the 28th.
Will follow along and root for you!!!
Lori
Dearest Friend,
ReplyDeleteSO HAPPY you and hubby went on a mini-holiday to a lovely SPA. And, I'm so excited to know that you loved the hot stone massage! You can never go wrong with that one!!! It's so good to have some alone time when you are experiencing trials in life, as it only helps to open the lines of communication and build a stronger relationship. I love that Dave went with you to YOGA, what a sweet man!
Oh dear, its easy for your head to feel a mess dealing with all of this and not having all the answers, but I'm here for you...every step of the way! Promise. Whatever you need, just name it and its yours :) Consider me your "Fairy God Sister" I kind of like that name!
Take some time to decompress from the anxiety...your acupuncture should help with this, as she can work on targeting stress. I worried too, so I won't tell you not to worry, as that will do no good, but worry and be good to yourself in the process :) I did a little retail therapy too and it helped to take my mind off things. Now, I am engaging in things to help get my life back to some sense of normalcy and find my "happy place". Just give yourself time and you will do what is best for you. Know that you DO NOT have to discuss any of this with family or friends, as it's very personal. You will know when you feel comfortable talking about it, but if you never do, that is okay.
I love you sweet friend and only want the very best for you, as you deserve it.
Happy Belated Birthday! I have a little something for you :)
Love and Continued Prayers my "God Sister"
xoxo
me
Angie,
ReplyDeleteI am glad you and hubby had some nice quality time togeather. I am glad that through all that you've gone through that there is still humor and smile left between the two of you. I think that is a blessing in itself. I agree with you, i don't see any harm in still trying, and if you need to wait a little longer before doing IVF I say wait, you neve know what God has up his sleeve for you. Whatever you do please don't give up on your dream. Sending you lots of love. and know that i'm here in your corner rooting for you and praying for you.:0)
Hot Stone Massage. YUMMY! I'm so envious. Sweet Andrea sent me and I'm so happy to see that you and your hubby had some spa time. That always seems to help when we are going through a difficult time. Keep the faith, take it one day at a time (so much easier said than done I know but it does help to live that way)and BELIEVE. We all must believe. You have a new follower and I look forward to taking this journey with you! HUGS!
ReplyDeleteAngie,
ReplyDeleteI was sent here from Andrea's blog. I just wanted to let you know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Trust the Lord.....He is the creator of miracles!
((hugs))
Hi sweet Angie,
ReplyDeleteI loved hearing your spa experience, how relaxing and nice to just get away, sorry your other plans were ruined by the stupid volcano! Now I guess its back to "reality" and everything will fall into place when you are ready to leap. I am so happy to hear you have a plan in mind and that you are informed of your IVF program, and Im also glad you get atleast 3 tries at it, as the timing seems to be working out in that regard. Just you saying that you have some fighting spirit somewhere, is a step forward...Im sending you huge hugs and tons of love. Nan xxx
Angie, sorry I've been MIA! Was away from the computer for a few days! Your spa day sounds great and though I'm sorry you didn't get to go to Dubai, I'm glad you didn't get stuck elsewhere, as that would've compounded your anxiety!!
ReplyDeleteNow, I know that this sounds awful, and I won't pretend even for a minute to know what you are feeling. But know this, you are strong, amazing, inspiring, and can do ANYTHING!!! What you may be called to do now, you may not feel up to, but God wrote your plan long before you got involved, He knows what you can handle! He will lead you and guide you all the way through! I'm praying for wisdom for your decisions,strength for the journey, and peace for your grief ravaged souls! Sending love to your hubby too, as I've heard this really really affects them and makes them feel weak! I'm praying he will talk to you, and that through this, you will grow closer, and see your family become exactly what it has always been meant to be!!! Love and hugs to you! I love you tons and know you can do this (whatever 'this' is that you choose!).