Oh , where do I begin ?
My head is still in a mess.
First I want to say thank you for all support !
Once again I find myself uplifted and soon ready to crawl up from the dark place I´ve been in for a while now .
It is a miracle in itself that I get to experience support from this amazing community of bloggers .
In a world when I cant even tell my family and my friends about our situation ( hubby is not ready to tell yet ) I get to communicate with people who understand and help me to cope .
Sending you all thanks and lots of love !
The last week has been a strange week for more than one reason :
we were supposed to go on a holiday abroad as Dave is changing jobs and we intentionally left a gap of 2 weeks between his jobs to be able to go on a well deserved holiday together.
We had big plans and wanted to go to Dubai for 10 days for a break .
But our plans had to be postponed because of .... a Volcano in Iceland that erupts and produces ashes that can cause damage to the planes engines.
I couldnt believe its true ! But the airport was closed for many days and when it opened some days ago we decided not to go abroad as one week of the holiday was already consumed and there is no guarantee that the volcano wont erupt again and Dave absolutely doesnt want to risk to get stuck in Dubai and not being able to come back in time to start his new job....
So what can you do when flying is not an option ?
We ended up in a Spa -hotel about 1 1/2 hours drive from home !!!
I did enjoy it as we got a change of environment and some distraction from our daily life .
We enjoyed delicious food and had a spa treatment each .( I had a hot stone massage after getting the recomendation from Andrea and I have to say it was fantastic , the best massage I have ever got )
I was thankful we went even if it was just after getting the bad news on the semen test .
It made us proces our thoughts in the most stressfree environment as possible.
It was just me and hubby and we could go for walks at the sea and drive to little pikturesque resorts and enjoy lunch and coffee on the terrace ( yes there was some sunshine some of the days)
However wonderful is short and after coming home we both got depressed and 2 days went and I felt as if we were in a thick fog , just grieving and being numb and me reading up about male factor and high SCSA DFI on the internet .
We have slowly began our way out of the dark place ....
today we went for a walk , then went to the gym ( I convinced hubby to join me for a yoga class ; ) and it was fun to see him try ; ) its not so easy the first time but we had a great laugh about it ; ) so we havent lost our sense of humour even if we have lost our dreams and hopes of conceiveng a child into this world the " normal " way .
Hubby is still on detox and convinced to be so for the 3 months its supposed to take for the sperm to renew.No drinks , no sauna or hot baths, no coffe .....
I think its ok to try anyway as you never know in this business , miracles can happen !
If it doesnt work we will go for the IVF /Icsi if this is still recomended by the RE we will see on Wednesday.
Somehow I feel I need some time to get used to the thought of IVF /ICSI I dont know if I want to go for it already next month .....
I think I need some more time , maybe after the summer ?
I try to think that my book is not closed yet and that we have to try everything that is possible to try before we give up the dream of raising a child .
On a positive note I read that "our " IVF clinic has an age limit of 39 , ie you have to start your first cycle before age 39 ( you can get a package of 3 cycles that have to be used within 18 months so practically you can try IVF until you are 40 1/2 .This gives me hope as I just turned 37 recently and this would give us 3 years to try .
So here I am trying to navigate a new territory that I néver thought I would have to enter ( who did , I suppose ? )
So here comes the part 2 of TTC ; now its not only about Basal Body Temperature , OPK sticks and timed sex , now I have to get familiar with IVF /ICSI , DNA fragmentation , hormone injections ......I feel weak when I think about it but I guess I wont give up .
I still have some fighting spirit within , somewhere deep down.....