I have been absent from blogging for a while .
I guess I was just overwhelmed with what was happening and needed to rest and proces it all.
Being pregnant and working plus commuting to work takes a lot of energy from me so I have been too tired to blog to.
I have been thinking about if I should start a new blog and start from scratch as this blog has been a place for grieving , a place to let out my sadness , anger and frustration connected with our losses .
However I have decided to continue here as that was and in many ways is still a part of my life .
Even if I am pregnant now , I still remember what we went through before and its a part of me .
I will always remember our two little angels and how it felt to loose them .
I am now almost 24 weeks pregnant ( on sunday ) and sometimes it still seems like a dream ...
Its hard to believe that this is my belly growing and there is a little baby kicking and yesterday my husband was able to feel the kick by holding his hand on my belly : )
I have been afraid to bond to much with the baby before as I was so afraid something would happen again .
Since I started to feel the babys movements at week 18 I have slowly bonded with it and I feel so much love when I feel a little kick in my belly .
I start to think that maybe this baby is meant to live as it is a miracle that it is alive given the circumstance of the early ultrasound we did .
Every little kick fills me with love for this little person that I carry but it also fills me with a little sadness as I feel guilty for not being able to bond with the baby immediately .
I think I am over this now and I love every little kick that is so special and says to me " hello mummy I am alive dont worry "
I tolerate the pregnancy quite well all together . I have gained about 12 kg already but I dont worry to much about it , I eat what I feel like eating but try to keep a healthy diet overall even if I find it hard to avoid sweet things totally ;)
I try to exercise by walking almost daily and recently while being away on a mini holiday at a hotel with a spa and pool I discovered how wonderful swimming is !
It really takes away your extra weight and you feel " normal " while moving in the water : )
I am also doing pregnancy yoga which I find fantastic and very helpful for stretching out sore back muscles and relaxing .I have a little lower back pain but with the right shoes I am able to walk long walks even if I cant go for a half day shopping trip in town as I used to sometimes before .Now I get tired after a while and have to sit down and have something to drink and rest my legs ; )
We havent prepared the babys room yet but I am getting ready for it mentally by thinking about what color I would like for the room and how to decorate it .
Soon I will also need to get clothes for the babys first weeks but I am not really ready to take that step yet.
I am on holiday this week too but then I am going back to work again .
From 19 th of September I plan to reduce my hours and work 3 days a week and I plan to stop working in the middle of October which will give me one month " off " before the baby will be born as the EDD is on the 19 th of November .
I look forward to my " new life " but its also a little scary as it brings so much change ....I dont know how it will be like not to work ...will I feel lonely when most people I know will be working ?
This week my sister is visiting so I am quite busy again and in August we are going to 2 weddings and I am looking for a suitable dress for me so I need to do more shopping .
I wish you all a wonderful summer - love Angie