Oh , where do I begin ?
The last six weeks have probably been the most dramatic and overwhelming weeks in my life.
In the middle of March we went on a holiday to Thailand as I wanted us to get some stress free time together in order to increase our chances of TTC .
I felt rather hopeless as TTC was really getting to me and the trying for a child had become something unromatic " Do what needs to be done " kind of thing .
I was close to giving up hope on conceiving naturally and thought that we try once more while on holiday and then call up the IVF clinic as we cannot wait anymore trying naturally.
So off we went and ended up in sunny and relaxed Thailand and basically slept most of the time the first 3 days.AF was later than I had predicted and it made me irritated as we now probably would miss the right time for TTC while being on holiday which was not part of the plan.
After a few more days still no AF and I began to suspect that Im am pregnant ....went for a test and it came out negative ( a strange Thai test that I was unfamiliar with but I assumed the 2 lines should appear as on our usual tests ; ) )
We took a flight to an island to spend a week there but I couldnt totally relax as I was wondering why AF didnt come ......so after a few days waiting we got another test and ...............................
there was 2 lines !!!! OMG ! I had became pregnant before the holiday !
Oh and thats so much for all my planning.......
More stress because I had flewn so much and had a long flight ahead of me on the way back home ! WORRY WORRY ;WORRY was I going to kill my baby with all the flying ?
Pregnancy after loss is not easy and I know I will probably never be my old sane self again....
Back home I couldnt get myself to call the midwife to enter the pregnancy program again after having done that twice and then miscarried after .......I was just waiting , paralyzed , unable to upbring much hope "holding my breath "
.I couldnt even post on my blog because of the fear of another loss.
Week six passed and no bleeding and now I became more nervous as I miscarried between w 7 - 8 before.
Finally I got myself to call the hospital to plan an early ultrasound only to talk to a horrible person who informed me that " even if you see a heart beat there is no guarantee for the future anyway " this after I just told her that I miscarried twice before at week 7 - 8 !!!! ( I will tell you later how me and hubby handled this )
I was somehow prepared and calmly asked her if she is not up to date with the litterature in her area as I know that once you have seen a heart beat the risk of miscarriage decrease with 80- 90 % and I got an appointment for that ultrasound .
When the 5 th of April came the U - day we were extremely nervous. Hubby came with me and we were in agony while waiting for my name to be called .
The doctor was a stressed lady that was on call and she had a student there .When I denied him to make a gynecological examination on me she got annoyed but went on to do the ultrasound only to find a sac but no fetal pole .. ...
Our hearts sank as we heard this is a blighted ovum and I was offered cytotec to get rid of the tissue .....we were facing our third miscarriage.
I was shocked as this time I had no bleeding at all and had built up some hope to get to see a tiny heart beat at week 7 +1 as I was then.
I decided I didnt want cytotec as I took it the first time I miscarried and it led to a severe bleeding and I had to spend a night at the hospital which I didnt feel up to right now so I said I want to go home and see if I will miscarry spontanously .
That week was the worst week in my life , I was grieving my third loss and the loss of my dream to have children , I lost hope for a while and was lower than low and the same happened with hubby.We were devastated and our world totally collapsed .
The days went on , the weekend came and went and still no bleeding , I was considering going back to the hospital to get cytotec just to get rid of the tissue as it was mentally very hard to know there was a dead baby in me again.
. After six days I called up the clinic to get an ultrasound and go for the cytotec as I couldnt wait anymore for a spontanous miscarriage .
Hubby came with me this time too , on the 11th of April , and we got to meet a different doctor this time and asked questions on further testing to determine if there was a reason for our multiple losses .He said : Lets make an ultrasound first and then we can talk .
I undressed and laid down and turned away my head from the screen and closed my eyes as I didnt want to see the dead embryo and a few seconds passed until I heard the doctors voice : LOOK HERE WE HAVE GOOD NEWS THERE IS A NORMAL FETUS MEASURING 8 w +1 AND THERE IS A HEARTBEAT !!!!
This was the biggest shock in my life !!!! I laughed and cried and asked him like 3 times if he is sure there is a heartbeat until he just looked at me and said I wont say it again and shook my hand and welcomed me to the maternity ward in 7 months ......
We left the hospital in shock ............HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN ?
If I had followed the first doctors advice I would have aborted a living baby ..........
It was a shocking thought ......
I had been so close to terminate a healthy ( Please God ) pregnancy !!!!!And this because my doctor didnt want to wait a week and see but recomended me to take cytotec based on one ultrasound examination ! Knowing my age (37 then , now 38 ) and my previous history of two losses ....
This is at our university hospital , and is supposed to be one of the 5 best in the country .....
It took us a week to recover from the shock and then we decided to write a letter to the management of the clinic in order for them to investigate this and make sure they change their routines so that this will NEVER happen to someone else .
In that letter we also adressed the fact that we feel that people that have gone through miscarriage is a patient group that is largely neglected by this clinic and we are asking for an improvement .
We got a short reply from the manager to confirm he received the letter and are awaiting the final response .
Im kind of still in shock after all that has happened , on Easter Sunday I got a bleeding which led me to go to the hospital again for an ultrasound as the private clinics are closed for Easter . Thanks God the baby was fine and measuring 10 w +1 which is a huge milestone for us as this is the furthest I have ever came in a pregnancy . Today I am 11 w +2 and I am waiting for the next milestone on the 9 th of May - the genetic test and the end of the first trimester .
I have pregnancy symptoms like nausea and fatigue and my body is changing but I cant get myself to buy maternity jeans yet .....
I went in to the maternity section in a store and tried on some jeans twice only to leave it and get out of the store .....
I wish I wasnt like this but I am , I am still afraid to believe after all that happened .
Thanks God I have the pregnancy symptoms and my belly is already growing so that gives me a little reassurance but I know its not for 100 % sure ....
I try to live my life day by day and hope for the best knowing that I am not in control of this , it is a higher power , this has been proven to me so many times now ....
It has indeed changed the way I look at life and it has changed me deeply .
Please pray for me and hubby as we need support going through this .