wow ! I feel better !!!! Blogging is healing .

I have posted a lot of sad  posts lately  but I wanted to be honnest about how I feel , this blog is not made to create a picture of how I would like to be but to write about how I really feel.
The last three days I have spent at home ( took some days off , and today is a holiday anyway here)
I didnt do much those days - I have spent hours reading blogs and reading my previous posts , looking at old photographs .
Some people would probably call it a waste of time but this is what I wanted to do and I decided to do what I want and need , to give myself some " me -time "
Somehow it  worked out well and slowly I began to feel better .
I found many inspiring  words on other blogs and my heart changed and I feel hopeful again.

Nothing special happened in my real life ....Im still in the 2 ww and pending between wanting to be pregnant and fear of being pregnant and risk another loss ...yet I feel more balanced and hopeful .
I am even thinking of what fun things I can do this year with or without being pregnant ...
I have only one life and I have to enjoy the things I can enjoy , not let my life pass me by and give in to depression.
I have to surrender to God and acknowledge that I have no control over this .
I have heard and read so many times that its good to give your pain and grief to God , to surrender and admit that HE is in control , not me, but it has been so hard for me .
I always thought that if I try harder , if I do more , learn more , become a better person  and so on then I can influence things
My therapist has also tried to show me that not everything that happens is in my control , but it has been so hard for me to comprehend as its scary to let go and acknowledge that over some things I  HAVE NO CONTROL....
The last few days I began to really SEE what this means .
It doesnt leave  me hopeless as I do believe in a higher power ,a God and while reading blogs I have came across wonderful bible texts that are so full of hope and this fills my heart with hope and a cautious joy .
Those texts  I have read  before  but I have never been able to fully embrace the meaning of  them  and feel it .
Now I can and its a miracle and all this is thanks to blogging and those wonderful people out there sharing their thoughts and insights .
I am forever grateful for all of you that have left comments for me when I was sad and down and struggling with my grief  all of you have contributed to the miracle of healing .

I guess I just moved on in the grieving proces that I hate and would like to skip but yet cant escape .
I really hate this grieving proces , I wish I knew  a way  to walk around it  but I dont  , you just have to let go and feel all you feel and let it shake you  until there is less hurt and sadness and you  are ready to move on .

I know that even if I hate the steps of the grieving proces , it has forced ,me to develop and become a better person  and I am so happy  and  grateful for all those people here in the blogosphere that I have met and that have inspired me .I know I wouldnt be the same person without you.
My blog has been a sad place the last few months but I hope I will be able to fill it  also with positive , hopeful and optimistic posts and I want to enjoy life to 100% again.

Do I dare to hope for a Happy New Year 2011?

I dont know how to start this post ...

First I want to wish everybody  a Wonderful  New  Year .
I hope that  the babylost mothers that are trying to conceive( one of them is me )  will go on to a happy and healthy pregnancy and have a baby to take care of  this year.
For those that are expecting a baby I hope and pray for a normal pregnancy and that you will welcome a perfect child to the world  this year.

To be honnest ,thinking about the New Year  fills me with both hope and fear ....
I would love to write about how positive I am  and how much I look forward to the new year but I cant help feeling fear too , will it really be better ?

What will happen ?
Will we conceive naturally as I wish to do or will we move on to IVF ?
Will IVF work ?
Will our relationship survive the pressure of infertility and TTC " on demand"

Immediately after writing this I realize how negative it sounds ....but how can it not when I look back at the last two years  and remember the loss of our first angel Adam , the loss of my father and  the loss of our second angel baby .
If somebody had told me this was going to happen to me lets say  5 years ago it would have been hard to believe , but here I am and I have survived all this.

It has changed  me forever and in my good moments I am proud of myself for having survived it .
I have grieved but I have also tried to live and keep myself busy and keep up a normality .
Today I looked through our photographs from the last two years and it was a strange feeling :
we have done " normal " things , we have travelled , we have had family gatherings , we celebrated Christmas and New Year this year too .
I look at myself on the photographs and I look " normal "  nobody can tell by looking a t me on the photograph that I have gone through so much heart-break the last two years:
I can still smile and look " normal "
The thing is that I am not " normal " anymore or maybe I should rather say that I am not the person I used to be .
I miss the person I used to be , I was happier then ...
Now I struggle to have hope when it used to come to me spontanously before ,
I used to take for granted that I was going to have a wonderful life , but now I´m not so sure ...I nearly expect another disaster in my life instead of expecting the good....
When I look at our photos from last year my life looks great : we have gone to nice places ,we have enjoyed meeting family and friends  and I know this is also a true picture and I am grateful for being able to do them - we have done many nice things but it is as I cant believe that I have done all that , that I am the smiling person on the photo...
In one way I wish I could forget about the last two years but at the same time they are now a part of me , insepereable .
I want to believe  that this year will be a good one , that I will eventually feel happy so much that it will take away the pain from the last two years .
I want to feel positive and optimistic thinking that now it should only get better....but  its hard for me to do ,there is always the little doubt that says " what if its not going to get better ? "

I am thankful that I spent Christmas and New year  on the 2 ww and still wait ....as it at least gave me some space to hope and keep up my spirit.

I try to be proud of myself for making efforts to celebrate Christmas and New Year , to decorate our home , to host my family for Christmas and to get dressed up and go out to celebrate the New Year .
I hope it will be a good year this time .

                                         Ready to celebrate beginning of 2011

                                                   A sunny winter day (view from our balcony)

                                                   Christmas flower arrangement with angel

                                                   Flower arrangement to honour our two angel babies

 

After the snowstorm outside