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Saturday, March 27, 2010

Spring brings mixed feelings

For a while now I have been struggling with fear of the unknown .
I try to hold it back and distract myself but when I relax it pops up again .
I try to keep busy every day and the last days I have written lists on things to do that particular day so I wont forget .
Yesterday after work I bought springflowers and planted them in pots on our balcony and outside the house door.
Today my plan was to go shopping for clothes for spring and Easter but as it rained so heavy I decided not to go and was left with plenty of time to think ....

I feel like this grief is never ending , there is always something there to remind me of my loss.
As spring comes it normally is a very happy time for me but now its not the same as I keep thinking that last year in March we conceived and I was pregnant ....even if I didnt know about it then .
During April and beginning of May I was happy and looking forward to a new phase in life .
Little did I know about what was going to come .

There is all the small things that reminds me of what could have been ....when I went jogging last year at the same time I couldnt run as my boobs were so sore because of the pregnancy so I had to walk , now I can run without problem and it fills me with sadness thinking about it .
I see my very prego neighbour almost daily and cant help thinking why not me ?
Then I feel guilty for thinking like that as I am happy for her its just that Im sad for me and want it to happen to me NOW .

I fear the next two months as I dont look forward to my angleversary , Im so fed up with being sad and reminded about my loss ,oh how I wish it was just a bad dream .
I find it hard to be optimistic today , I fear what might be in the future .Will I ever get pregnant ?
What will I do if I wont ?
I always wanted to have children .
I know this fear is not fully realistic as I havent tried TTC for a year yet and thats the time you have to try before you are considered infertile , I have checked out my hormone levels and they came out normal .Hubby has done the semen test and we havent heard from the lab yet and yes I do have to call them on monday to ask but I assume it was normal as they would call if it wasnt .
So I have been proactive about my health . I should have a chance to conceive again as it happened before .
I know all this but sometimes I just panick and give in to despair : what if it will never happen ?
Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with those thoughts and it takes over my life and my logic thinking .

I want to walk this path with grace and I try hard most of the time but today I feel so helpless .
I hate TTC on demand , hate the charting wheré did the spontanous sex go ?
I feel so lonely somtimes as my husband doesnt spontanously talk about those things , its always me bringing up the subject : what will we do if we wont be able to conceive ?
And he just avoids the topic : " We can not think about that now he says we have to keep trying "
then Im left alone with my fear and my thoughts .
Why is he so different to me ?

I want to be my normal self : optimistic and active but I find it hard , will I ever be like that again ?
Oh this post is so negative but I wont stop it now as I want to write down my feelings as they are today , I dont want to try to be someone else : a happier version of myself.Here I want to be honnest .
At work I try to pretend that everything is ok , I smile and joke and yes many times it is genuine as I have good days too but it hard to keep smiling when you have a bad day.
Im happy that I have my job allthesame as it forces me to get out of bed and be active which I need sometimes .It gives me distraction.

I have been serching for words of hope from the Bible and my new mantra is " Dont be afraid " from John 14:27 " Peace I leave with you , my piece I give you .I do not give to you as the world gives.Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid "
This is what I repeat in my mind when waking up at night with bad dreams .
I need to stop being afraid and trust God that he has something good for me in the future.
Im working on this . " Do not be afraid " I wish my trust was stronger .I wish I could just delete the sadness and fear in me .
I am thinking about talking to a therapist , I called up a clinic and left my number to get an appointment and they tried to call me last week but I couldnt answer as I was busy at work .
Now I have to call them again this week.
Sorry this post is so sad .
I do have something nice to look forward to this Easter , my brother and his girlfriend are coming to visit us and I do look forward to that a lot .


  1. My dear sweet friend,

    I have felt everything that you mention in this post. I too was pregnant very early last March and was so full of happiness and bliss...but the bliss has faded and the dark cloud looms. I wonder all those same things and battle the same problems with a husband who goes on about life and doesn't talk. I married an optimist as well.

    Look at the good that you have done: You have made list and accomplished what is on them, you've been pro-active and taken care of your health, you are exercising and doing accupuncture and you also work. I'd say you are doing a fabulous job considering the situation.

    I'm sad too today if that makes you feel not so alone. This is a lonely place to be isn't it. Uncertainty is tormenting, as we want answers and we want results. And, when all seems to be going well for everyone else and they are seeing dreams come to fruition we feel left behind. But, you will never be alone or left behind, as I will always be there to hold your hand and cheer you on. We won't give up! Yes, we are bruised, but we are far from broken.

    Know that I love you dear friend and I am praying for you and praying that happiness returns for us both.

    Much Love,

  2. PS I forgot to say that I think it's wonderful that your Brother and his girlfriend are coming from Moscow. Enjoy them!

    And, send me pictures of your pretty flowers all planted! I love daffodils :)

    More HUGS and LOTTS of BABY DUST

  3. Angie, Just sending you love. Knowing all of those feelings myself, I wish I could take those away from you too! But you are doing well and you are moving forward and you are being proactive!! So, know that you are in my prayers and I'm always here with an open ear!!

    Love and hugs!!

  4. Hi love,
    I hope it felt good to get all of that out of your head and off your much to think about and so many what ifs...I am sorry you are hurting. But this is your canvas and you can paint whatever you want on it. Unfortunately these hard days come about and we don't have any say in the matter except to go to sleep and pray we wake up to a new better day.
    We have all felt these feelings, you are never ever alone. Keep writing.
    We love you xxxooo