I havent written so much lately , its so overwhelming trying to navigate in life after my second loss.
I never thought I would have to , I hoped that it would be ok the second time .
I am trying to form a plan on what to do next .
Went to a new fertility doctor but unfortunately I discovered that doctors that work at university clinics seem to be very conservative and wont do any extra tests until you had your third loss.
Basically I was told that you are not infertile as you are able to conceive and call us next time you are pregnant we do an early ultrasound .
I am so frustrated as I wanted to test for things that can be treated like blood-clotting desease or immunological disorders but my worries were just brushed off with a " those things are so unusual" GRRRRRRRRR!!!!
Well at least I got my FSH tested again which is good as I am 37 and worry about that too even if the fertility dr said that Im not too old to conceive .
I think I give up right now with looking for an answer and just focus on TTC again as it seems to be my best option. I would like to try to get pregnant spontanously for a few more months and if that doesnt work by the end of this year I will go for IVF /ICSI as the IVF clinic recomends , It feels really strange to do IVF when you are able to conceive spontanously but to conceive is not enough - you have to keep the pregnancy too.
I have decided to try Chinese herbs for this cycle .My acupuncturist got them for me when she went to China on her holiday so I trust that this is the real thing and not something you get on the internet that might as well be " sugarpills"
For me its a milestone to take herbs as Im normally into western medicine only but now I have came to a stage when I try anything nearly ...
Soon its time to conceive again and Im filled with fear as never before : I am so afraid to be pregnant again and to fear another loss yet I WANT to be pregnant again , I hate to feel like this .
I feel like Im in a dream sometimes and I just wish I could wake up and realize my losses were only a bad dream .
Im trying my best to keep hope and heal , I go to a therapist which helps but it still takes time and hard work .
I wish I could be more positive but I just try to keep myself together .
I have good days too but the bad days keep coming too .
I guess Im stubborn and try to fight it all and keep positive as much as I can but Im so scared too !
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
From denial to pain
This blog has become a place to ease my heart , I tend come here to write when Im sad , when I need to vent .I havent been able to write for a while and I have missed it . I do need my blogging and reading my fellow bloggers to keep myself sane
The last few weeks I have been in denial I think , I just wanted to escape the pain by keeping myself very busy , trying not to feel and not to deal with my pain as if I could escape it that way.I was hosting friends and relatives in our home , I was working alot and shopping and training .
But it didnt work ,I cant escape the pain
On Thursday I went to a new gynecologist hoping to get some blood tests done to rule out immunological and blood clotting desease .
I had booked an appointment in a private clinic as the doctors at the university clinic dont do any tests until you have 3 miscarriages .
To make a long story short the whole visit was a disaster.
It turned out that I was not booked in to the fertility specialist but to a general gynecologist that admitted herself that she is not familiar with infertility issues !
This despite the fact that I had very carefully explained to the secretary that booked the appointment that I had 2 miscarriages and want to do some testing because of that as I dont want to find myself in a situation where I suffer miscarraige nr 3 just to learn that it was because of something that could have been prevented .
The doctor was very formal and expressed no empathy whatsoever after hearing that I suffered my 2 nd loss just a month ago , the most comforting she said was that miscarriage is common and its common to have one child and then a miscarriage and then have a child again .
YES maybe but its just that I dont have any children at all I wanted to scream but I said nothing just trying to not burst into tears .Doctors should be tested for empathy to be allowed to practice !
The fertility specialist comes once a month ( It sounds like I live in a village in the desert and not in an university town ) so now I have to wait again !
This was enough to push me over the edge .My heart has been heavy since then and today it totally escalated : I didnt get out of bed until 12 and I didnt go out at all , I feel so depressed today , its like everything is against me .I know Im oversensitive right now because of the whole situation but I feel so helpless and I hate it . I have no control over this and I just have to keep waiting .....
Waiting for AF to come back and to start TTC again . If I get pregnant again I have to go through the fear of loosing that baby too ...
My feelings are in contradiction : in one way I do want to get pregnant again but at the same time Im afraid to TTC again as Im so afraid to have my hope crushed again .
I am so tired of this , its such a hard road to walk.
It affects all my life :Im not as socially active as I used to be , I cant help but avoiding friends that are pregnant .One of my good friends is now pregnant and I havent called her since my loss as I cant handle it .
Its her first child and she didnt notice it until like week 10 ( ! ) she has never had a miscarriage ( Thankfully , its not that I wish that on my worst enemy ) and with that she doesnt understand the pain of it .
Last time we met she said that she hopes that her state is " contagious " and will affect me too ( That was before I knew I was pregnant for the second time ) This didnt make me feel better but rather sad and " inferior " as If there is something wrong with me that cant have what she has .Then she went on to say that when her boyfriend heard that another couple they know are expecting he said to her that" we have to try too so we are not behind them " .....so what do you respond to that as a BLM ? ? ? I didnt ask to be in a competition!!!
I know I probably come across as odd for not calling her but I just cant right now.
With that said im not proud of what I just wrote , I wish I didnt feel that way cause it sounds like Im jealous .
T´hats not how I used to be before .
The interesting thing is that I dont feel hurt when I hear that someone that suffered miscarraige before is pregnant as I know how much it hurts to suffer a m /c and I just wish the best for that person ( I wish the best for all my pregnant friends too that havent had a m/ c hm I got myslf into something complicated ..)
I hope so much that one day I will be beyond all this , that I will be in balance .
I hope that I will find the courage to TTC again without fear ( well we have tried again but many times when we " try " I get distracted and cant continue as I get afraid which is something new)
I wanted to talk to a fertility expert to get advice on what to do next - should we try the natural way once more or just move on to ART ?
If ART do we have to go for IVF /ICSI as first suggested to us or can we try IUI? Id rather try that first as its less invasive .
Now I have to wait another month to ask those questions and so we will try the normal way once more providing AF comes back which I think should happen soon as I have a temp raise and sore boobs.
I was reading blogs half of the day today and it did lift me up , it does work thanks God , I am so blessed to have this community.I am so grateful for all you ladies sharing your thoughts and your eperience , thanks to your willingness to be honnest and share your journeys you help others .
The last few weeks I have been in denial I think , I just wanted to escape the pain by keeping myself very busy , trying not to feel and not to deal with my pain as if I could escape it that way.I was hosting friends and relatives in our home , I was working alot and shopping and training .
But it didnt work ,I cant escape the pain
On Thursday I went to a new gynecologist hoping to get some blood tests done to rule out immunological and blood clotting desease .
I had booked an appointment in a private clinic as the doctors at the university clinic dont do any tests until you have 3 miscarriages .
To make a long story short the whole visit was a disaster.
It turned out that I was not booked in to the fertility specialist but to a general gynecologist that admitted herself that she is not familiar with infertility issues !
This despite the fact that I had very carefully explained to the secretary that booked the appointment that I had 2 miscarriages and want to do some testing because of that as I dont want to find myself in a situation where I suffer miscarraige nr 3 just to learn that it was because of something that could have been prevented .
The doctor was very formal and expressed no empathy whatsoever after hearing that I suffered my 2 nd loss just a month ago , the most comforting she said was that miscarriage is common and its common to have one child and then a miscarriage and then have a child again .
YES maybe but its just that I dont have any children at all I wanted to scream but I said nothing just trying to not burst into tears .Doctors should be tested for empathy to be allowed to practice !
The fertility specialist comes once a month ( It sounds like I live in a village in the desert and not in an university town ) so now I have to wait again !
This was enough to push me over the edge .My heart has been heavy since then and today it totally escalated : I didnt get out of bed until 12 and I didnt go out at all , I feel so depressed today , its like everything is against me .I know Im oversensitive right now because of the whole situation but I feel so helpless and I hate it . I have no control over this and I just have to keep waiting .....
Waiting for AF to come back and to start TTC again . If I get pregnant again I have to go through the fear of loosing that baby too ...
My feelings are in contradiction : in one way I do want to get pregnant again but at the same time Im afraid to TTC again as Im so afraid to have my hope crushed again .
I am so tired of this , its such a hard road to walk.
It affects all my life :Im not as socially active as I used to be , I cant help but avoiding friends that are pregnant .One of my good friends is now pregnant and I havent called her since my loss as I cant handle it .
Its her first child and she didnt notice it until like week 10 ( ! ) she has never had a miscarriage ( Thankfully , its not that I wish that on my worst enemy ) and with that she doesnt understand the pain of it .
Last time we met she said that she hopes that her state is " contagious " and will affect me too ( That was before I knew I was pregnant for the second time ) This didnt make me feel better but rather sad and " inferior " as If there is something wrong with me that cant have what she has .Then she went on to say that when her boyfriend heard that another couple they know are expecting he said to her that" we have to try too so we are not behind them " .....so what do you respond to that as a BLM ? ? ? I didnt ask to be in a competition!!!
I know I probably come across as odd for not calling her but I just cant right now.
With that said im not proud of what I just wrote , I wish I didnt feel that way cause it sounds like Im jealous .
T´hats not how I used to be before .
The interesting thing is that I dont feel hurt when I hear that someone that suffered miscarraige before is pregnant as I know how much it hurts to suffer a m /c and I just wish the best for that person ( I wish the best for all my pregnant friends too that havent had a m/ c hm I got myslf into something complicated ..)
I hope so much that one day I will be beyond all this , that I will be in balance .
I hope that I will find the courage to TTC again without fear ( well we have tried again but many times when we " try " I get distracted and cant continue as I get afraid which is something new)
I wanted to talk to a fertility expert to get advice on what to do next - should we try the natural way once more or just move on to ART ?
If ART do we have to go for IVF /ICSI as first suggested to us or can we try IUI? Id rather try that first as its less invasive .
Now I have to wait another month to ask those questions and so we will try the normal way once more providing AF comes back which I think should happen soon as I have a temp raise and sore boobs.
I was reading blogs half of the day today and it did lift me up , it does work thanks God , I am so blessed to have this community.I am so grateful for all you ladies sharing your thoughts and your eperience , thanks to your willingness to be honnest and share your journeys you help others .
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Poem
I havent been able to write lately , I just try to keep myself busy so I dont have to feel too much , Im so fed up with grieving .
I do see a therapist so I hope it will change .
I just wanted to post one of my favourite poems that always makes me cry ,
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Stevenson, 1936
I do see a therapist so I hope it will change .
I just wanted to post one of my favourite poems that always makes me cry ,
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Stevenson, 1936
Sunday, August 8, 2010
The hope is gone for this pregnancy
First I want to thank you everyone for stopping by and write me some words of comfort .
I warms my heart to know that there is people out there that understand and care and pray for me and wish me well .
In a world where miscarriage and infertility is still pretty much taboo Im so grateful to have found so much support , this is something that all the money in the world cant buy , it makes me keep my hope when its really low .I dont know what I would have done without it .
Unfortunately I have bad news as 2 days ago I started to bleed and the bleeding continues so I miscarried again.
I feel tired and sad and numb .
I think life is so unfair , why cant I at least have one normal pregnancy ? And bring at least one healthy baby to this world?
I know we will try again as there is so much to gain by trying but right now I need to heal both physically and emotionally .
I decided to take a week off work as I was supposed to start working tomorrow ( monday ) but I cant decide if I want to say that I had a miscarriage as I dont think I can handle questions and other peoples reaction right now .
At the same time I dont like to keep it a secret because then I contribute to the taboo of miscarriage .
I think Im not strong enough to face questions and hugs and comments about it yet so I will probably not say what happened yet.
I dont think I can go in to work yet as I feel I need some time to heal before I go back .
I warms my heart to know that there is people out there that understand and care and pray for me and wish me well .
In a world where miscarriage and infertility is still pretty much taboo Im so grateful to have found so much support , this is something that all the money in the world cant buy , it makes me keep my hope when its really low .I dont know what I would have done without it .
Unfortunately I have bad news as 2 days ago I started to bleed and the bleeding continues so I miscarried again.
I feel tired and sad and numb .
I think life is so unfair , why cant I at least have one normal pregnancy ? And bring at least one healthy baby to this world?
I know we will try again as there is so much to gain by trying but right now I need to heal both physically and emotionally .
I decided to take a week off work as I was supposed to start working tomorrow ( monday ) but I cant decide if I want to say that I had a miscarriage as I dont think I can handle questions and other peoples reaction right now .
At the same time I dont like to keep it a secret because then I contribute to the taboo of miscarriage .
I think Im not strong enough to face questions and hugs and comments about it yet so I will probably not say what happened yet.
I dont think I can go in to work yet as I feel I need some time to heal before I go back .
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Wonderful was short now devastated for the second time. ( Blighted ovum? )
Hi ,
I havent been posting for a while ,I have been on a holiday for 10 days and took a break from emails and blogs as well.
Most of all I have been " holding my breath" just waiting and hoping for my pregnancy to progress and get passed the 1 st trimester .
However on Sunday the 1 st of August I got a slight bleeding and my peace of mind left me .
The day after I went with my sister to the clinic of gynecology and eventually had an ultrasound done which showed a sac but a very tiny fetal pole .The doctor said it could be either a blighted ovum or to early in the pregnancy to see the fetal pole with ultrasound so now we have to wait a week and go back for another ultrasound then.
Im devastated as I think that by now ( week 7/ 8 ) there should be a little heartbeat visible .I dont have much hope at all.I think if there will be a heartbeat next week thats probably a miracle.
Im so sad as I was so hopeful for this pregnancy .
Before I went on the holiday I asked the midwife to check my progesterone levels and B-Hcg.
Progesterone was 28 and B-Hcg 1800 which seemed to be normal for a 5-6 weeks pregnancy according to all tables I could find online.Different tables show different limits but I was within the norm on all of them that I checked ( 3-4 ) .I decided not to take any extra progesterone then and hoped for the best .
Today I feel so depressed.I was hoping so much we would be able to conceive naturally but now it doesnt look like it will work.
I find the information on SCSA DFI - ( Hubby has got high dna defragmentation levels on the semen test) so confusing : from what I can read high SCSA DFI makes it hard to conceive and it even makes IVF hard to succeed as the embryos wont develope properly but in our case we are able to get pregnant naturally but then the pregnancy doesnt seem to progress past week 7-8.
We have been talking about what to do next .
Should we try naturally a third time or just go for IVF /ICSI as the fertility clinic recomends ?
We havent decided yet but one option could be that hubby goes on detox and acupuncture ( he only tried acupuncture twice before I got pregnant last time but the acupuncturist recomended 5-10 times )
and I of course will also join him in the detox more or less ( no alcohol , healthy food , low carb diet ,exercise )
Or maybe that is pointless and we should not waist time and just for for IVF /ICSI directly ?
Oh this is such a hard road to walk .How I wish we had started to conceive earlier ( Im now 37 and hubby will be 38 this year) .
Im back on the emotional rollercoaster and now I feel so sad and depressed thinking what if thoughts.
Im on holiday this week too but next week Im supposed to go back to work but I dont know if I can make it? How can I go back and pretend that everyting is ok ?
Im angry at God , why does he let this happen to me or to anyone at all? Why do we have to suffer so much?
After my first miscarriage I was devastated but I still had some hope to conceive again but now its different , Im not sure if we ever will be able to conceive naturally or even with IVF , given our male factor problem.
I know I sound very negative now , maybe miracles can happen but Im just so sad today and my hope is so low.
Today is also the first year anniversary of my fathers death and as I was pregnant I didnt plan to go to the grave as it involves flying and I had decided not to fly during the first trimester .
I will ask the priest in church to say mass for him on Sunday if I just can get myself together and get out of the house ...
I havent been posting for a while ,I have been on a holiday for 10 days and took a break from emails and blogs as well.
Most of all I have been " holding my breath" just waiting and hoping for my pregnancy to progress and get passed the 1 st trimester .
However on Sunday the 1 st of August I got a slight bleeding and my peace of mind left me .
The day after I went with my sister to the clinic of gynecology and eventually had an ultrasound done which showed a sac but a very tiny fetal pole .The doctor said it could be either a blighted ovum or to early in the pregnancy to see the fetal pole with ultrasound so now we have to wait a week and go back for another ultrasound then.
Im devastated as I think that by now ( week 7/ 8 ) there should be a little heartbeat visible .I dont have much hope at all.I think if there will be a heartbeat next week thats probably a miracle.
Im so sad as I was so hopeful for this pregnancy .
Before I went on the holiday I asked the midwife to check my progesterone levels and B-Hcg.
Progesterone was 28 and B-Hcg 1800 which seemed to be normal for a 5-6 weeks pregnancy according to all tables I could find online.Different tables show different limits but I was within the norm on all of them that I checked ( 3-4 ) .I decided not to take any extra progesterone then and hoped for the best .
Today I feel so depressed.I was hoping so much we would be able to conceive naturally but now it doesnt look like it will work.
I find the information on SCSA DFI - ( Hubby has got high dna defragmentation levels on the semen test) so confusing : from what I can read high SCSA DFI makes it hard to conceive and it even makes IVF hard to succeed as the embryos wont develope properly but in our case we are able to get pregnant naturally but then the pregnancy doesnt seem to progress past week 7-8.
We have been talking about what to do next .
Should we try naturally a third time or just go for IVF /ICSI as the fertility clinic recomends ?
We havent decided yet but one option could be that hubby goes on detox and acupuncture ( he only tried acupuncture twice before I got pregnant last time but the acupuncturist recomended 5-10 times )
and I of course will also join him in the detox more or less ( no alcohol , healthy food , low carb diet ,exercise )
Or maybe that is pointless and we should not waist time and just for for IVF /ICSI directly ?
Oh this is such a hard road to walk .How I wish we had started to conceive earlier ( Im now 37 and hubby will be 38 this year) .
Im back on the emotional rollercoaster and now I feel so sad and depressed thinking what if thoughts.
Im on holiday this week too but next week Im supposed to go back to work but I dont know if I can make it? How can I go back and pretend that everyting is ok ?
Im angry at God , why does he let this happen to me or to anyone at all? Why do we have to suffer so much?
After my first miscarriage I was devastated but I still had some hope to conceive again but now its different , Im not sure if we ever will be able to conceive naturally or even with IVF , given our male factor problem.
I know I sound very negative now , maybe miracles can happen but Im just so sad today and my hope is so low.
Today is also the first year anniversary of my fathers death and as I was pregnant I didnt plan to go to the grave as it involves flying and I had decided not to fly during the first trimester .
I will ask the priest in church to say mass for him on Sunday if I just can get myself together and get out of the house ...
Friday, July 9, 2010
My addition to the dramatic last two weeks ! ( Good news)
I have been thinking about all the things that have happened in the lifes of the girls that first made me start this blog - " The fab five " .
The last two weeks have been extremely dramatic for all of us : good news and bad news , it has been about life and the biggest joy but also death and ttc and ttc on hold and broken dreams and hopes because of people who let down and dont keep their promise.
To begin with the fantastic news : One of us welcomed her much loved and awaited babygirl after losing triplet girls last year .
But we also had heartbreaking news :
One of us had her dreams shattered and heart broken again and lost her baby
and one of us has to face the dissapointment of a failed adoption of a child that was much welcome .
One of us has to put TTC on hold for one cycle because of a vaccination which may sound like no big deal but for someone who is TTC its very frustrating.
To my big surprise I will also contribute to the drama as I discovered that Im pregnant.
I feel so mixed emotions to say it in a time like this when so many hard things has happened to my friends but I decided I will just do it as it is a part of life as it is right now .
I feel happy but being a person that has experienced miscarriage I dont take anything for granted anymore and Im afraid to make up plans for the future but only live day by day.
And I subconsciously prepare my self for the possibility that I can loose the baby again¨.
I know I have a lot of work to do to handle this.
I wish it was different but its like a have a colud of worries hanging over me .
Im going back to my therapist after the holiday to discuss this as I know I might not bond with the baby if I dont get over it somehow. I try to be cautiously hopeful but its not the same as the first time.
Its yet very early ( week 4-5 ) so I have only told my husband and my brother and sister and Im not prone to tell anyone else yet .
I hope that this weeks good news (the safe arrival of Nans baby girl and my positive HPT ) will be a beginning of more good news to come soon from all of us .
I pray for everyone for peace , faith and hope and lots of joy and happiness in our lifes to come .
I want to thank you all for sharing your stories with me and for all the support you have given me .
Love you - Angie
The last two weeks have been extremely dramatic for all of us : good news and bad news , it has been about life and the biggest joy but also death and ttc and ttc on hold and broken dreams and hopes because of people who let down and dont keep their promise.
To begin with the fantastic news : One of us welcomed her much loved and awaited babygirl after losing triplet girls last year .
But we also had heartbreaking news :
One of us had her dreams shattered and heart broken again and lost her baby
and one of us has to face the dissapointment of a failed adoption of a child that was much welcome .
One of us has to put TTC on hold for one cycle because of a vaccination which may sound like no big deal but for someone who is TTC its very frustrating.
To my big surprise I will also contribute to the drama as I discovered that Im pregnant.
I feel so mixed emotions to say it in a time like this when so many hard things has happened to my friends but I decided I will just do it as it is a part of life as it is right now .
I feel happy but being a person that has experienced miscarriage I dont take anything for granted anymore and Im afraid to make up plans for the future but only live day by day.
And I subconsciously prepare my self for the possibility that I can loose the baby again¨.
I know I have a lot of work to do to handle this.
I wish it was different but its like a have a colud of worries hanging over me .
Im going back to my therapist after the holiday to discuss this as I know I might not bond with the baby if I dont get over it somehow. I try to be cautiously hopeful but its not the same as the first time.
Its yet very early ( week 4-5 ) so I have only told my husband and my brother and sister and Im not prone to tell anyone else yet .
I hope that this weeks good news (the safe arrival of Nans baby girl and my positive HPT ) will be a beginning of more good news to come soon from all of us .
I pray for everyone for peace , faith and hope and lots of joy and happiness in our lifes to come .
I want to thank you all for sharing your stories with me and for all the support you have given me .
Love you - Angie
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
To Nan
Today I want to celebrate Nan that is preparing for the delivery of her baby tomorrow .
This is a very much loved baby that Nan and Mike were blessed with after losing their triplet girls last year.
I have found this picture for you for good luck , for our sweet " ladybug " .
Dear Nan ! Know that I will think about you and pray for you tomorrow .
Beleive that you can do this! Upbring all selfconfidence you can . You can do this !!!Now its your time to have a happy end .
Remember that most pregnancies do have a happy end and most deliveries are succesful .
We all know to well of the komplications that can happen but still the majority do have an happy end .
Sending you lots of love
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