EDD blues ( trying to honour my angels and all angel babies)

December has been a terrible month for me .
I didnt look forward to it at all as I found it hard to prepare for and celebrate Christmas at the same time as Im grieving my losses still.
Im am sad because of the broken dreams , I am sad because I dont have a one year old baby in the house as I should have had as today is my EDD for baby angel Adam that was due 16 th of dec 2009.
I am sad because me and my husband are so different in how we handle the situation ....he tends to keep his feelings within and I feel left alone . I am sad that Im not pregnant as I should have been if it wasnt for my second loss in August this year.
This Christmas we are still two people in our family  and no child.
To be honnest I havent coped well at all this month.
Me and hubby have argued a lot but thankfully also had some good conversations in between and hopefully we have come closer to eachother.
I went on sick -leave this week as I couldnt keep myself together , I felt that I dont have much to give at work right now  and decided to stay at home and mind my broken heart.
I have been grieving for 3 days and I hardly left the house .
I was feeling sorry for myself and was wondering why  me ? why does this happen to anyone ?
What if I will never be able to conceive again and have a healthy pregnancy? Why do I have to experience the loss of two babies ? Why is my husband so different to me ? Why cant he comfort me the way I want to be comforted ?
The fear took me over and I was so sad .

But then a miracle happened ! I began to think about my angels and their little spirits and I began to think that I cant  continue like this as I dont think they want to see me like this .They dont want their mother to suffer and be depressed , that Im certain of.

My grief turned into energy and I decided that I must keep going and try to be the best person I can be .
While grieving I forgot about this .
I do need to keep going and do my best in order to honour my angels so that their short existance in this world will have a meaning .
Even if I have suffered a lot and still grieve  my book is not yet closed and i DO have opportunities .
I have called up the IVF clinic to talk about their policy and they do treatments until you are 39 ( thats if you want the costs covered by the state  and then  after age 39  you can also try but have to cover the costs yourself)
That means  that I , at age 37 can still do a few stimulated cycles but without IVF and I still have time to do IVF during this year and even next .I need to do a few more stimulated or natural cycles to feel that Im ready to move on to IFV  as I dont feel  like that right now.I need to find out what stimulated cycles can do for us first.
Theoretically  I could even have 2 children if it works.... the thing is that I dont know IF it will work BUT i am going to go ahead and TRY and do my best and HOPE  for the best .
Yesterday I started the " DO MY BEST "  life and I have started to decorate our house for Christmas ( Even if I previously had intended not to do anything at all and skip Christmas)
I have bought flowers  and cushions and will go into town to try to get new curtains .
I will send Christmas cards and buy presents .I will find a charity and try to help someone in need.
I will try to do my best to celebrate Christmas  being in the place I am and I will try to keep HOPE for good things to happen in the future .
(And yes we did / do  TTC this month)

My prayer

First  I want to say that I am so thankful for all support , often I see this blog as a diary but it has its special beauty as wonderful people stop by and leave comments that lifts me up .
I am forever grateful that I live in times when this is possible.I hope I can  help  other people in the same way in the future.
Thank you all  for  taking time to make a comment.

I have had two difficult weeks trying to sort things out with hubby and we have had some good conversations among the arguments and I see that he is trying to make peace.I know its not easy for him either.

Now its soon time to TTC again and I decdided I need  to ask God for help :

Please God help me to get rid of the fear to conceive again - I am so afraid to suffer another loss , I dont know if I can take it once more .

Please help me to find peace and balance so that I can take a step forward and try to conceive with hope and not fear.

Thank you God for all the wonderful people that surround me and  are so generous with love and support .

The worst week during our TTC journey ( Midcycle fight)

The last week has been one of the worst ever .
I have been so sad and upset.
Upset because of the fact that we were fighting and it led to not TTC  this month.

This upsets me so much as this month I was doing a clomid cycle and the follow up ultrasound showed a nice follicle of 19 mm on day 14 .
My gynecologist was happy and I was happy and exited so I sent a text to my husband about the good news and expected some enthusiasm when coming home and expected an effort from his side to make things nice and romantic despite the totally nonspontanous nature of our situation  as we do timed intercourse in order to maximize the chance to conceive.

None of my expectations happened as he sat down on the sofa after supper to watch sport on Tv.
I swallowed my pride and made an effort myself   that night but then got an attack of fear of conceiveing  and  we ended up sleeping with our backs turned towards eachother.He felt rejected not realizing that I felt terrible and needed comfort and support .
The next day I was so upset , I was mad at him for not comforting me while I had my fear , I was so angry for not getting any understanding so we ended up figting that evening too.
The third day , last Saturday he made  an effort and made dinner for us and things looked really good as I got over my anger and was ready to TTC again .
But after the dinner he went back to the sofa to watch some more TV - not talking .
After a few hours sitting with him there I gave up and went to bed alone and refused to let him hold me when he eventually came to bed .
After that it all went downhill and we are still arguing and Im still mad at him for not coperating , for not trying to make this as nice as possible, so that , if we conceive , will remember that we conceived this baby in a loving and romantic way .
I feel this is important to me , I want to know that if I get pregnant the " normal " way I want it to be nice and romantic
So here I am so angry and frustrated  as I feel I do more than him in order to conceive a child .
Im the one reading up information on infertility , Im the one booking doctors appointments , I was the one taking Clomid this month AND taking time to go to the gynecologist office for a check up on the follicles ALONE without him having to take time off from work to come with me AND then go to the farmacy to get the HCG-shot ( Ovitrelle)) .
And Im doing all this in order to try to conceive once more without IVF and I had planned to do so for 3 cycles as I of course dont want to wait too long as I am now 37 and dont have years to wait even if my hormone levels are good still but you never know when that can change  .
The worst thing is that as we have male factor ( high scsa DFI ) I think its definitely up to him too to  cooperate as this is his problem too  but he seems to be in denial ....leaving me feeling so sad and lonely as he doesnt open up and share his feelings much either .Somtimes I feel that Im married to an unsensitive person with a heart of stone even if I know deep in my heart its not the case but I just hate his way of not opening up and be honnest with his feelings leaving me feeling alone and like a freak that have so many feelings  as opposed to his calmness.
Ok he is not in total denial as he went to acupuncture and is taking vitamins and reduced drinks  in an effort to improve the sperm quality but so what if we cant make it to TTC....

Oh I feel so miserable and I dont know what to do .
I dont look forward to the holidays at all and I feel anxious even thinking about Christmas and New Year .
I wish I could just go to a remote Island and dissapear from the rest of the world for a few months ...
Im so stressed with having a fear of TTC I hate it but I cant help it .
Maybe Im not ready yet to TTC after my second loss  as it was only 3.5 months ago and maybe I need a break from TTC but because of my age I cant make that break too long .
I am seriously thinking of taking a break as I cant imagine to try again next month given the circumstances .
I know that I might change my mind several times until then but this is how I feel now .
But then deciding not to try for a while makes me feel like a failure too as it is a missed opportunity for a miracle ....
This post is very private and intimate but I just felt I have to get it out otherwise I will explode ....
I have found some helpful information on the topic on RESOLVE `s website so it made me understand Im not the only one going through this ( I should have known by now ...; )    )
Here is the website if anyone wants to read more , its seven pages so there is a lot to read....
http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/DocServer/14_Sex_Marriage_and_Infertility.pdf?docID=5704

Seeds of love - a story of unexpected love and friendship

One day in the spring a letter arrived from the States : )

Andrea did a project to honour her angel baby Christian and all the other angel babies and their parents.

I planted the seeds in a pot on my balcony and look what happened !

Three months later , some watering and surviving a storm on that balcony  I could see this : )

Its magic ! I grew flowers on my balcony sent all the way from the States as seeds from a wonderful friend that I have met on the internet through our angel babies : )

Im so grateful for that firendship and for the friendship of all beautiful ladies that I have met online .

Thats real girlpower , the way we share our lifes and help eachother .

I know I could never make it without that beautiful friendship and love .







Back after time out

Hi  sweet friends !


I have been absent for a while , I needed to take some time off and just be .
We actually took a week off both of us and went on a sunholiday : ) .
I felt so exhausted and tired and down , I was struggling with so many things .
What I was feeling Nan describes so well  in her latest post as an emotional overload - thats how I felt - I had to struggle to keep myself together , my pulse rate was high , my thoughts were just a mess .I used to wake up in the morning and feel how my heart was beating fast and I felt so stressed which is not how I normally am.

So we sent off  for the week , booked a nice last minute hotel  near the beach and just RELAXED ....
It took a few days for me to actually be able to relax but eventually even I started to enjoy the ocean , the pool , the sunshine , dinners  for two with Dave and just BE ....
Today we are back - I have missed  blogging and emailing my friends and I have a lot to catch up with but it feels good to have people to catch up with , I am so blessed to have met wonderful people that care.
I will write more later just wanted to give a sign of life   ; )

navigating i life after second loss

I havent written so much lately , its so overwhelming  trying to navigate in life after my second loss.
I never thought I would have to , I hoped that it would be ok the second time .
I am trying to form a plan on what to do next .
Went to a new fertility doctor but unfortunately I discovered that doctors that work at university clinics seem to be very conservative and wont do any extra tests until you had your third loss.
Basically I was told that you are not infertile as you are able to conceive and call us next time you are pregnant we do an early ultrasound .
I am so frustrated as I wanted to test for things that can be treated  like blood-clotting desease or immunological disorders but my worries were just brushed off with a " those things are so unusual"   GRRRRRRRRR!!!!
Well at least I got my FSH tested again which is good as I am 37 and worry about that too even if the fertility dr said that Im not too old to conceive .
I think I give up right now with looking for an answer and just focus on TTC again as it seems to be my best option.  I would like to try to get pregnant spontanously for a few more months and if that doesnt work by the end of this year I will go for IVF /ICSI as  the IVF clinic recomends , It feels really strange to do IVF when you are able to conceive spontanously  but to conceive is not enough - you have to keep the pregnancy too.

I have decided to try Chinese herbs for this cycle .My acupuncturist got them for me when she went to China on her holiday so I trust that this is the real thing and not something you get on the internet that might as well be " sugarpills"
For me its a milestone to take herbs as Im normally into western medicine only but now I have came to a stage when I try anything nearly ...
Soon its time to conceive again and Im filled with fear as never before : I am so afraid to be pregnant again and to fear another loss yet I WANT to be pregnant again , I hate to feel like this .
I feel like Im in a dream sometimes and I just wish I could wake up and realize my losses were only a bad dream .
Im trying my best to keep hope and heal , I go to a therapist which helps but it still takes time and hard work .
I wish I could be more positive but I just try to keep myself together .
I have good days too but the bad days keep coming too .
I guess Im stubborn and try to fight it all and keep positive as much as I can but Im so scared too !

From denial to pain

This blog has become a place to ease my heart , I tend  come here to write when Im sad , when I need to vent .I havent been able to write for a while and I have missed it . I do need my blogging and reading my fellow bloggers to keep myself sane
The last few weeks I have been in denial I think , I just wanted to escape the pain by keeping myself very busy , trying not to feel and not to deal with my pain as if I could escape it that way.I was hosting friends and relatives in our home , I was working alot and shopping and training .
But it didnt work ,I cant escape the pain
On Thursday I went to a new gynecologist hoping to get some blood tests done to rule out immunological and blood clotting desease .
I had booked an appointment in a private clinic as the doctors at the university clinic dont do any tests until you have 3 miscarriages .
To make a long story short the whole visit was a disaster.
It turned out that I was not booked in to the fertility specialist but to a general gynecologist that admitted herself that she is not familiar with infertility issues !
This despite the fact that I had very carefully explained to the secretary that booked the appointment that I had 2 miscarriages and want to do some testing because of that as I dont want to find myself in a situation where I suffer miscarraige nr 3 just to learn that it was because of something that could have been prevented .
The doctor was very formal and expressed no empathy whatsoever after hearing that I suffered my 2 nd loss just a month ago  , the most comforting she said was that miscarriage is common and its common to have one child and then a miscarriage and then have a child again .
YES maybe but  its just that I dont have any children at all  I wanted to scream but I said nothing just trying to not burst into tears .Doctors should be tested for empathy to be allowed to practice !

The fertility specialist comes once a month ( It sounds like I live in a village in the desert and not in an university town ) so now I have to wait again !

This was enough to push me over the edge .My heart has been heavy since then and today it totally escalated : I didnt get out of bed until 12 and I didnt go out at all , I feel so depressed today , its like everything is against me .I know Im oversensitive right now because of the whole situation but I feel so helpless and I hate it . I have no control over this and I just have to keep waiting .....
Waiting for AF to come back  and to start TTC again . If I get pregnant again I have to go through the fear of loosing that baby too ...
My feelings are in contradiction : in one way I do want to get pregnant again but at the same time Im afraid to TTC again as Im so afraid to have my hope crushed again .
I am so tired of this , its such a hard road  to walk.
It affects all my life :Im not as socially active as I used to be , I cant help but avoiding friends that are pregnant .One of my good friends is now pregnant  and I havent called her since my loss as I cant handle it .
Its her first child and she didnt notice it until like week 10  ( ! ) she has never had a miscarriage ( Thankfully , its not that I wish that on my worst enemy ) and with that she doesnt understand the pain of it .
Last time we met she said that she hopes that her state is " contagious " and will  affect me too ( That was before I knew I was pregnant  for the second time )  This didnt make me feel better but rather sad and " inferior "  as If there is something wrong with me that cant have what she has .Then she went on to say that when her boyfriend heard that another couple they know are expecting he said to her that" we have to try too so we are not behind  them " .....so what do you respond to that as a BLM ? ? ? I didnt ask to be in a competition!!!
I know I probably come across as odd for not calling her but I just cant right now.
With that said im not proud of what I just wrote , I wish I didnt feel that way cause it sounds like Im jealous .
T´hats not how I used to be before .
The interesting thing is that I dont feel hurt when I hear that someone that suffered miscarraige before is pregnant as I know how much it hurts to suffer a m /c and I just wish the best for that person ( I wish the best for all my pregnant friends too that havent had a m/ c   hm  I got myslf into something complicated ..)
I  hope so much  that one day I will be beyond all this , that I will be in balance .
I hope  that I will find the courage to TTC again  without fear ( well we have tried again  but many times when we " try " I get distracted and cant continue as I get afraid  which is something new)
I wanted to talk to a fertility expert to get advice on what to do next - should we try the natural way once more or just move on to  ART ?
If ART do we have to go for IVF /ICSI as first suggested to us or can we try IUI? Id rather try that first as its less invasive .
Now I have to wait another month to ask those questions and so we will try the normal way once more providing AF comes back  which I think should happen soon as I have a temp raise and sore boobs.

I was reading blogs half of the day today and it  did lift me up , it does work thanks God , I am so blessed to have this community.I am so grateful for all you ladies sharing your thoughts and your eperience , thanks to your willingness to be honnest and share your journeys you help others .

Poem

I havent been able to write lately , I just try to keep myself busy so I dont have to feel too much , Im so fed up with grieving .
I do see a therapist so I hope it will change .
I just wanted to post one of my favourite poems that always makes me cry ,



Footprints in the Sand


One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.


In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.


This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,


“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”


The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Mary Stevenson, 1936

The hope is gone for this pregnancy

First I want to thank you everyone for stopping by and write me some words of comfort .
I warms my heart to know that there is people out there that understand and care and pray for me and wish me well .
In a world where miscarriage and infertility is still pretty much taboo  Im so grateful to have found so much support , this is something that all the money in the world cant buy , it makes me keep my hope when its really low .I dont know what I would have done without it .

Unfortunately  I have bad news as 2 days ago I started to bleed  and the bleeding continues so I miscarried again.
I feel tired and sad and numb .
I think life is so unfair , why cant I at least have one normal pregnancy ? And bring at least one healthy baby to this world?
I know we will try again as there is so much to gain by trying but right now I need to heal  both physically and emotionally .
I decided to take a week off work  as I  was supposed to start working tomorrow ( monday ) but I cant decide if I want to say that I had a miscarriage as I dont think I can handle questions and  other peoples reaction right now .
At the same time I dont like to keep it a secret because then I contribute to the taboo of miscarriage .
I think Im not strong enough to face questions and hugs and comments about it yet so I will probably not say  what happened yet.
I dont think I can go in to work yet as I feel I need some time to heal before I go back .

Wonderful was short now devastated for the second time. ( Blighted ovum? )

Hi ,

I havent been posting for a while ,I have been on a holiday for 10 days and took a break from emails and blogs as well.
Most of all I have been " holding my breath" just waiting and hoping for my pregnancy to progress and get passed the 1 st trimester .
However on Sunday the 1 st of August I got a slight bleeding  and my peace of mind left me .
The day after I went with my sister to the clinic of gynecology and eventually had an ultrasound done which showed a  sac but a very tiny fetal pole .The doctor said it could be either a blighted ovum or to early in the pregnancy to see the fetal pole with ultrasound so now we have to wait a week and go back for another ultrasound then.

Im devastated as I think that by now ( week 7/ 8 ) there should be a little heartbeat visible .I dont have much hope at all.I think if there will be a heartbeat next week thats probably a miracle.
Im so sad as I was so hopeful for this pregnancy .
Before I went on the holiday I asked the midwife to check my progesterone levels and B-Hcg.
Progesterone was 28 and B-Hcg 1800 which seemed to be normal for a 5-6 weeks pregnancy according to all tables I could find online.Different tables show different limits but I was within the norm on all of them that I checked ( 3-4 ) .I decided not to take any extra progesterone then and hoped for the best .

Today I feel so depressed.I was hoping so much we would be able to conceive naturally  but now it doesnt look like it will work.
I find the information on SCSA DFI - ( Hubby has got high dna defragmentation levels on the semen test)  so confusing : from what I can read high SCSA DFI makes it hard to conceive and it even makes IVF hard to succeed as the embryos wont develope properly but in our case we are able to get pregnant naturally but then the pregnancy doesnt seem to progress past week 7-8.
We have been talking about what to do next .
Should we try naturally a third time or just go for IVF /ICSI as the fertility clinic recomends ?
We havent decided yet but one option could be that hubby goes on detox and acupuncture ( he only tried acupuncture twice before I got pregnant last time  but the acupuncturist recomended  5-10 times )
and I of course will also join him in the detox more or less ( no alcohol , healthy food , low carb diet ,exercise )
Or maybe that is pointless and we should not waist time and just for for IVF /ICSI directly ?

Oh this is such a hard road to walk .How I wish we had started to conceive earlier ( Im now 37 and hubby will be 38 this year) .
Im back on the emotional rollercoaster and now I feel so sad and depressed thinking what if thoughts.
Im on holiday this week too  but next week Im supposed to go back to work but I dont know if I can make it? How can I go back and pretend that everyting is ok ?
Im angry at God , why does he let this happen to me or to anyone at all? Why do we have to suffer so much?
After my first miscarriage I was devastated but I still had some hope to conceive again but now its different , Im not sure if we ever will be able to conceive naturally or even with IVF , given our male factor problem.
I know I sound very negative now , maybe miracles can happen but Im just so sad today and my hope is so low.
Today is also the first year anniversary of my fathers death and as  I was pregnant I didnt plan to go to the grave as it involves flying and I had decided not to fly during the first trimester .
I will ask the priest in church to say mass for him on Sunday if I just can get myself together and get out of the house ...

My addition to the dramatic last two weeks ! ( Good news)

I   have been thinking about all the things that have happened in the lifes of the girls that first made me start this blog - " The fab five " .
The last two weeks have been extremely dramatic for all of us : good news and bad news , it has been about life  and the biggest joy   but also  death and  ttc  and ttc on hold and broken dreams and hopes because of people who let down and dont keep their promise.

To begin with the fantastic news : One of us welcomed her much loved and awaited babygirl  after losing triplet girls last year .

But we also had heartbreaking news :
One of us had her dreams shattered  and heart broken again  and lost her baby
and one of us  has to face the dissapointment of a failed adoption of a child that was much welcome .
One of us has to put TTC on hold for one cycle because  of a vaccination which may sound like no big deal but for someone who is TTC its very frustrating.

To my big surprise  I will also contribute  to  the drama  as I discovered that Im pregnant.
I feel so mixed emotions to say it in a time like this when so many hard things has happened to my friends but I decided I will just do it as it is a part of life  as it is right now .
I feel happy but being a person that has experienced miscarriage I dont take anything for granted anymore and Im afraid to make up plans for the future  but only live day by day.
And I subconsciously prepare my self for the possibility that I can loose the baby again¨.
I know I have a lot of work to do to handle this.
I wish it was different but its like a have a colud of worries hanging over me .
Im going back to my therapist after the holiday to discuss this as I know I might not bond with the baby if I dont get over it somehow. I try to be cautiously hopeful  but its not the same as the first time.
Its yet very early ( week 4-5 ) so I have only told my husband and my brother and sister and Im not prone to tell anyone else yet .

I hope that this weeks good news  (the safe arrival of Nans baby girl and my  positive HPT ) will be a beginning of more good news to come soon  from all of us .
I pray for everyone  for peace , faith and hope and lots of joy and happiness in our lifes to come .
I want to thank you all for sharing your stories with me and for all the support you have given me .

Love  you -  Angie

To Nan

This week has been crazy and my head is full of thoughts and emotions so much has happened for  " the fab five " 
Today I want to celebrate  Nan  that is preparing for the delivery of her  baby tomorrow .
This is a very much loved baby  that Nan and Mike were blessed with after losing their triplet girls  last year.
I have found this picture for you for good luck , for our sweet " ladybug " .
Dear Nan  ! Know that I will  think about you and pray for you tomorrow .
Beleive that you can do this!  Upbring all selfconfidence you can . You can do this !!!Now its your time to have a happy end .
Remember that most pregnancies do have a happy end and most deliveries are succesful .
We all know to well of the komplications that can happen but still the  majority  do have an happy end .
Sending you lots of love

Photo of angelversary plants

This is what I made for our angleversary .

As we dont have a garden I wanted to plant a symbolic tree in a pot and add some beautiful flowers to remind me of our angel.

Our angleversary was on the 20 th of May but it took me some time to take a photo and post it here.

Things I do to feel better

The last week I have desperately tried everything I know to relax and calm down as I have felt huge stress , so much that I had a high pulse rate and probably high blood pressure and sleeping difficulties .I felt so miserable and decided I have to do all I can to stop this
I have never done so many stress-reliefing activities before :

-Went for acupressure
-Acupuncture
-Listened to slow calming music whenever Im at home or driving .
-Jogging to get physically exhausted .
-Went to the beach on my day off and spent a few hours just relaxing / sleeping / reading in the sun.
-Continue to go to therapy sessions .
-Blogging and absorbing love and support and prayers from my wonderful blogger friends :)
-Writing to do lists to get organized and feel more in control.
-Attending a huge party with Hubby ( with no little children involved )

And I have to say IT WORKS !!!!
Thanks God , it works .

I feel better than I have done in a long time .
We had great fun at the party , talking to nice people and dancing .
I was able to really enjoy it .
My therapist keeps boosting my selfconfidence by reiterating to me that I dont have to get over things right now , that I can get over them when Im ready to do so and as a paradox it makes it easier to get over when you feel you dont have too!
I dont have to feel useless for not being able to get over things .
Not that Im totally over my grief or anything but I have been able to function quite well this week side by side with the grief .
I have even downloaded some photos that I wanted to post a long time ago but never had the energy to do .

coping with stress ?

This week I have taken a break from blogging as I felt so overwhelmed and stressed after the visit at the IVF clinic .
I have felt fear for going through the IVF proces.
I hate the uncertainty about it : you go through so much with all the injections that has to be done and the egg retrieval and then you dont even know if it will work...
I have felt so sad that it doesnt work the " normal " way for us .
I have been so stressed and I slept bad and felt how my pulse rate have been increased during the day bacause of the stress.
I have also dealt with my referral for a hysterosonogram as there have been so many problems with it : my gynecologist forgot to write the referral first and I discovered that a few weeks later when I noticed that the appointment never came . I then called her office up and reminded her and waited another few weeks without getting an appointment just to discover she had " forgot " it again and when she finally sent it off four months had passed !!! Then I still didnt get an appointment so I had to call up the ultrasound clinic just to discover that the referal was put to a mailbox to a doctor that is on a holiday so they STILL hadnt schedualed me in for the sonogram !!! At that stage I was going mad as I then had to call my gynecologist office and ask them to fax the referral to another clinic that have a doctor that is not on holiday and now Im still waiting for my hysterosonogram and still havent got an appointment .I will never go back to this gynecologist again.'
Its like she thinks that now when you have got an referral to the IVF clinic you dont need any other tests ...very ignorant .

I have made efforts to try to relax as I know stresshormones are not good for me and will mess up my system and ability to conceive but it doesnt really work so much.
I have had acupressure and then acupuncture ( I changed acupuncturist to someone that I think is better and more experienced )
In all this mess I have also had my brother visiting us and as I love my brother so much I was happy he came but I couldnt enjoy his visit to 100 % because of my inner stress.
Yesterday I had a day out with two dear friends and we had a really nice day going to an art exhibition and then going for dinner to a restaurant in the evening still I couldnt totally relax and enjoy it .
One of my friends is pregnant and the other is the girl that was due just a few weeks before me .I love them both and we had fun and I enjoyed the day but its like there is a cloud above me that doesnt let me relax totally and have fun but makes me feel uncomfortable now and then and I wish it wasnt like that .
I think Im not ready for IVF yet and I need to wait until after the summer but yet it makes me uncertain if I do the right thing .Maybe I should´nt wait but just go ahead with it but at the same time I dont feel ready.
In one way I wish I had postponed going to the IVF clinic as it made me so upset to go there .
Today Im going jogging and then to the gym to get physically exhausted which I hope will make me sleep better

To IVF or not to IVF + insight from therapy

Today I had a very stressful day as I went for my first IVF appointment with Dave .
I know I said before we are going to postpone IVF until after the summer but meanwhile we got a referral from my gynecologist as we got the green light from the insurance to get 3 " free " trials ( This is the way it works here - you get 3 IVF trials for free that are financed by the public health care sector ) ( Our first consultation we did private as we didnt want to wait so long to discuss the results of the semen test) Now we got an appointment so I decided we better go to the IVF -clinic and get prepared and see what they have to say .
I was shocked after as it suddenly became so real - the injections , the egg-retrieval - no nice things ....I realized that this is for real and soon I will have to inject stuff in my belly fat ...we got all the prescriptions so if I want I can start it all after AF arrives in about 2 weeks .
My thoughts went to Nan , Lori and Anne that have already gone through it and I think you are such heroes !!!
" Holy Cow !!! " I felt weak when the midwife was showing me how the injectors and syringes work and wanted to try it on my belly ! I refused 2 or 3 times but she pushed me and didnt give up until I let her put that needle in my belly - fat .... what a shock ! ((Even if I realized it doesnt hurt )
I feel now that I definitely want to wait until after the summer - I need to build up som courage for this !!! I know I will do it if I have to but this wont be easy!!!
All you that went through it are so brave and strong !!!
I dread the egg retrieval as it seems horrible .
I need to wait and want to try some less invasive remedies as Clomid a few times before I give that up.

Four days ago I also went to my second therapy session and I was pleasantly surprised that the therapist didnt push me to " get over " things!
So far I really like my therapist and even if he is a man( nothing against men here but I have realized that men proces things different than woman and was a little worried that he wouldnt understand )
I do feel he gets a lot of things and I felt so reliefed that he didnt push me to move on as I had thought he would ....he even went a step further and twisted it around and indicated that it can equally be something wrong with the people that dont respect my grief and dont want to hear my " story " .Their reaction is due to defense mechanisms but just because they have them doesnt mean there is something wrong with me and my grief , I find that thought very comforting as I started to think that ´there is something wrong with me that cant get over things fully when some people have indicated to me that I should " get over it "
He lifted a heavy weight from my shoulders and i feel I can " breathe " again ....knowing its ok to greive as I want to makes it easier to face life´s daily obstacles .It prevents me from getting depressed I think ( its kind of a contradiction but the burden of feeling that there is something wrong with me that cant " move on " fully was so heavy to carry )
I left the therapy session with a smile that day and it felt great!

Today was a very mentally drainig day because of the visit to the IVF clinic .
I feel I need to digest it all.

First year angleversary

Thank you Nan !




Today was the day I have been waiting for with some tension and fear .

One year since we lost our baby too soon.

I had taken the day off and planned to take it easy , plant a little tree that I have bought for him in a bigger pot as a way to remember Adam ( I have no garden just a balcony so I cant plant a " "real " tree)

My plans changed as I got busy with things I didnt expect ( finalizing a purchase of a new car ) which took me a half day and then I went on to make all those phone calls I normally dont have time to make and then my husband came back from work and the day was nearly over ...

I bought flowers , white lilies ,to put close to the rememberance stone Dave got on the EDD in December .

It hit me how the rest of the world moves on - not many of my family members and friends remembered , for them its not even something they remember but for me its something that changed my life probably forever .

I am so thankful that I have beautiful friends here in this blogging community that do remember and care to say some words of encouragement, it truly makes my heart smile and it gives me hope .

Today was a day when I let myself think about how Adam would have been , how he would have looked like now , how it would have been to look in his eyes and get a responsive smile ...

It doesnt make it easier that one of my best friends had a baby just a few week before Adam was due .

Whenever I talk to her I can hear her little one " talk" in the background and I wonder is that how Adam would have been like ?



Its so frustrating that we are still trying to conceive and are waiting impatiently for that + sign .We have been trying for 8 months now and no luck ...

I feel so unsure of what the future will bring but yet I do have some hope it will happen again and that we will have a happy end .

I havent given up even if its a tough road to get to the goal .

Tonight I will pray for Adam and all the other sweet angel babies that I know about , I believe their spirits are happy as they went straight to God in heaven and one day we will all be united .

But until then I have to keep going and do my best to be a better person and to keep trying to become and earthly mother too .

How do you cope with your first year angleversary?

Hi

This month is the month when my baby went to heaven one year ago.
A whole year has passed since the bad news gave me a shock and changed me and my life probably forever.

I will never forget the screen with the image of my uterus with this little baby within but no heartbeat ...all my dreams that were connected with that baby and that pregnancy died and I lost control of my life ( forever ? )
I wish I could say that I have moved on , but unfortunately I cant .
The truth is that I havent fully moved on .

The last year has been a struggle to keep up normality and to keep going , a year full of sadness, grief , hope and dissapointment ( hope after TTC and then dissapointment after AF:s arrival, dissapointment to hear that hubby has crappy sperm but hope again after RE telling us its not so bad and still not useless to try the " normal" way)

Hope for healing but dissapointment that there is no quick fix to healing .
Parallel to the miscarriage I have also been dealing with my fathers death.
At times I have probably just disconnected from my feelings as it has been to much to handle at the same time , I have just " cut off " my feelings and just existed for a while as I didnt have the strength to proces it all at the same time .

The last year has been a sad year for me and I dont remember much of it after the loss ....its just like a fog and me struggling in it to get past it .

I try so hard to keep up a " normal " and "happy " side of me to not loose my old self totally but its hard at times .

A week ago I went to a therapist for the first time after my loss as I felt I need some help to move on and one thing that he indicated to me is that I should try to open up more , try to show how I feel and talk about what has happened .

This is many times very difficult for me as Im used to be" the strong one " the one that can take care of herself and cope with things and the one that helps other people and listens to other people.Lately I have felt that I cant even reach out to other people as I feel so energy less.

I also find it hard to talk about something that people dont want to talk about .

Nobody in the " real world " asks me how Im coping , if I think about the loss still or if I think about my father .
Im just supposed not to mention it , not to talk about it .

I realize it might be that people think I will be upset if they mention it but I still wish somebody would ask me and listen to me .

I have a need to talk about it and be listened to.

Im forever grateful that I have found the best support in the world on line and I know that I could never have made it without the amazing woman that I have met , that care to listen and give words of encouragement and send prayers .I know I am blessed to be a part of this community and thanks to you all I am a better person today .

Yet I wish people that are close to me in the real world would care more to ask me how I am and also take the time to listen to my answer , not just avoid it .

I admire all woman who tries to educate the society about this .
I was stunned to hear that babylost mums have started a radio show that deals with those topics .That is truly wonderful and so much needed.
I want to contribute to that in my own way by trying to open up more and talk about it despite that people expect me not to talk about it .I feel I need to do that for the sake of future babylost mums so that it will be easier for them to go through a loss .
Thats one of my goals - to open up more and talk about what has happened to me .
Its easy to say but I know its difficult to do it in reality .
I decided to write more as a training in opening up and talking about whats in my heart.

I want to face my angleversary and not deny it as I tried to do with my EDD.
I want to find peace and stop worrying , I want to start to live again as this has consumed my energy so much the past year.
I hope God will help me to do so .
I hope God will help me to face my angleversary in a graceful way .

To Andrea for 1-year angleversary

Today my thoughts go to Andrea

at http://persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com/2010/05/happy-1st-heaven-day-precious-one.html

as today is her first year angleversary for angel baby Christian .

I send you love Andrea and thank you for being such a wonderful person .Im so happy to know you and also want to thank you for making my journey through loss so much easier to cope with thanks to your support .

Love you !

We have a plan : )

Tonight I feel so much better : )

Im tired after all the stress and worrying before going to the RE.

But Im so reliefed to have had my questions answered by someone that is experienced in this area.

Our doctor took the time to answer all the questions we had so now my nerves have calmed down : )

How much I have worried since we got the results from the semen test !!! I havent been able to focus on anything else since then....

The visit to the RE was worth every " penny" !

He confirmed that there is not enough evidence yet on the SCFA DFI test but in our case the idea is that even if its too high its still likely that there is a lot of good " swimmers " anyway .

If there is about 100 million " swimmers " and 40 % of them have got defragmented DNA there should still be a few million that are ok was the positive words from our RE .

He didnt think it was pointless to try the "tradiotional" way for about 6 months but not longer because of my age as I am now 37 and shouldnt wait too long.

So the plan is to try by ourselves during the summer and if it doesnt work we go back to the clinic in August and then start IVF /ICSI.

So now we are very seriously trying : detox project is still on with green tea , no coffee no drinks and training at the gym a few times a week .WOW we work hard for this dont we ?

Who would ever have thought it takes so much work to have children ?

Thank you + first visit to RE tomorrow

Again I want to thank you all wonderful ladies for caring to stop by and leave words of encouragement for me .

It means the world to me to read what you say, I know I would just be depressed and in a big mess without you .Your words makes me keep going and letting some hope in .

This blog has become a place where I come for comfort and for writing my thoughts as they are .

For the moment I live a " double life " as my husband wants to wait to talk to other people about this ( he didnt even talk to his family)

He wants to wait at least until we have been to the RE.

Outside I have to act as if this is not happening but inside Im in shock and want to talk about this .

Its comforting to " meet " people that understand ,its soothing for my soul to see those wondeful woman that have gone through IVF or are in the proces if it now ....makes it less scary for me .

It makes my heart lighter to get words of encouragement and prayers also from you that havent been through it but cares to stop by and give words of hope .

Its so special to know that there is so many beautiful people in this world that care .

It makes me keep my faith even if I often burst out in anger because of the burden I have to carry ( why me ? but then I have to think : why anyone ? why does people have to suffer? yes....thats the eternal question ...)

Tomorrow is the day we are going to see the RE , hubby and me are both tensed and have already argued ( it started with a trivial thing )

I have no energy to even cry but I think this argument is not deadly serious , I think we will get over it and go there tomorrow anyway.

I hope so much the RE will say that life style changes can improve the SCSA DFI levels so we can try the " natural" way but today I feel less negative towards IVF - If we have to I will do it .

TTC part 2 (advanced course)

Oh , where do I begin ?

My head is still in a mess.


First I want to say thank you for all support !
Once again I find myself uplifted and soon ready to crawl up from the dark place I´ve been in for a while now .
It is a miracle in itself that I get to experience support from this amazing community of bloggers .
In a world when I cant even tell my family and my friends about our situation ( hubby is not ready to tell yet ) I get to communicate with people who understand and help me to cope .
Sending you all thanks and lots of love !

The last week has been a strange week for more than one reason :
we were supposed to go on a holiday abroad as Dave is changing jobs and we intentionally left a gap of 2 weeks between his jobs to be able to go on a well deserved holiday together.
We had big plans and wanted to go to Dubai for 10 days for a break .
But our plans had to be postponed because of .... a Volcano in Iceland that erupts and produces ashes that can cause damage to the planes engines.
I couldnt believe its true ! But the airport was closed for many days and when it opened some days ago we decided not to go abroad as one week of the holiday was already consumed and there is no guarantee that the volcano wont erupt again and Dave absolutely doesnt want to risk to get stuck in Dubai and not being able to come back in time to start his new job....
So what can you do when flying is not an option ?
We ended up in a Spa -hotel about 1 1/2 hours drive from home !!!
I did enjoy it as we got a change of environment and some distraction from our daily life .
We enjoyed delicious food and had a spa treatment each .( I had a hot stone massage after getting the recomendation from Andrea and I have to say it was fantastic , the best massage I have ever got )
I was thankful we went even if it was just after getting the bad news on the semen test .
It made us proces our thoughts in the most stressfree environment as possible.
It was just me and hubby and we could go for walks at the sea and drive to little pikturesque resorts and enjoy lunch and coffee on the terrace ( yes there was some sunshine some of the days)
However wonderful is short and after coming home we both got depressed and 2 days went and I felt as if we were in a thick fog , just grieving and being numb and me reading up about male factor and high SCSA DFI on the internet .
We have slowly began our way out of the dark place ....
today we went for a walk , then went to the gym ( I convinced hubby to join me for a yoga class ; ) and it was fun to see him try ; ) its not so easy the first time but we had a great laugh about it ; ) so we havent lost our sense of humour even if we have lost our dreams and hopes of conceiveng a child into this world the " normal " way .
Hubby is still on detox and convinced to be so for the 3 months its supposed to take for the sperm to renew.No drinks , no sauna or hot baths, no coffe .....
I think its ok to try anyway as you never know in this business , miracles can happen !
If it doesnt work we will go for the IVF /Icsi if this is still recomended by the RE we will see on Wednesday.
Somehow I feel I need some time to get used to the thought of IVF /ICSI I dont know if I want to go for it already next month .....
I think I need some more time , maybe after the summer ?
I try to think that my book is not closed yet and that we have to try everything that is possible to try before we give up the dream of raising a child .
On a positive note I read that "our " IVF clinic has an age limit of 39 , ie you have to start your first cycle before age 39 ( you can get a package of 3 cycles that have to be used within 18 months so practically you can try IVF until you are 40 1/2 .This gives me hope as I just turned 37 recently and this would give us 3 years to try .
So here I am trying to navigate a new territory that I néver thought I would have to enter ( who did , I suppose ? )
So here comes the part 2 of TTC ; now its not only about Basal Body Temperature , OPK sticks and timed sex , now I have to get familiar with IVF /ICSI , DNA fragmentation , hormone injections ......I feel weak when I think about it but I guess I wont give up .
I still have some fighting spirit within , somewhere deep down.....

prayers needed

Im numb and confused as I write this.
I dont know what to say ...words doesnt come to me ...
We got bad news a few days ago.
There is a male faktor , as hubby has too high DNA fragmentation on semen analysis.
The lab recomends IVF /ICSI.
IVF / ICSI .....
From thinking that we are able to conceive spontanously and that future conception is only a question of time we have to face something totally different.....
I feel dead inside .....I dont need anymore obstacles ....
I managed to sign us up for an evaluation with the reproductive specialist on the 28 th of April just to talk to a doctor eye to eye and see if IVF /ICSI is really the only option .
The info online about high DNA fragmentation is so confusing as you get different scientific articles stating different things.
I feel like a zoombie .....I didnt expect this ...

Please send us a prayer as we need it badly right now .
We need to get ourselves together and readjust to this ( How ? )
I dont know if I have the energy to go through IVF ? The shots seem so scary ....and if it doesnt work? How can I handle the dissapointment?
Oh ,I feel so confused , I cant think clearly .My logic ability is gone ....
our first step is to put hubby on detox ......no drinks , no coffee and more healthy food .....what a life ....

Please pray for us .

Spring brings mixed feelings

For a while now I have been struggling with fear of the unknown .
I try to hold it back and distract myself but when I relax it pops up again .
I try to keep busy every day and the last days I have written lists on things to do that particular day so I wont forget .
Yesterday after work I bought springflowers and planted them in pots on our balcony and outside the house door.
Today my plan was to go shopping for clothes for spring and Easter but as it rained so heavy I decided not to go and was left with plenty of time to think ....

I feel like this grief is never ending , there is always something there to remind me of my loss.
As spring comes it normally is a very happy time for me but now its not the same as I keep thinking that last year in March we conceived and I was pregnant ....even if I didnt know about it then .
During April and beginning of May I was happy and looking forward to a new phase in life .
Little did I know about what was going to come .

There is all the small things that reminds me of what could have been ....when I went jogging last year at the same time I couldnt run as my boobs were so sore because of the pregnancy so I had to walk , now I can run without problem and it fills me with sadness thinking about it .
I see my very prego neighbour almost daily and cant help thinking why not me ?
Then I feel guilty for thinking like that as I am happy for her its just that Im sad for me and want it to happen to me NOW .

I fear the next two months as I dont look forward to my angleversary , Im so fed up with being sad and reminded about my loss ,oh how I wish it was just a bad dream .
I find it hard to be optimistic today , I fear what might be in the future .Will I ever get pregnant ?
What will I do if I wont ?
I always wanted to have children .
I know this fear is not fully realistic as I havent tried TTC for a year yet and thats the time you have to try before you are considered infertile , I have checked out my hormone levels and they came out normal .Hubby has done the semen test and we havent heard from the lab yet and yes I do have to call them on monday to ask but I assume it was normal as they would call if it wasnt .
So I have been proactive about my health . I should have a chance to conceive again as it happened before .
I know all this but sometimes I just panick and give in to despair : what if it will never happen ?
Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with those thoughts and it takes over my life and my logic thinking .

I want to walk this path with grace and I try hard most of the time but today I feel so helpless .
I hate TTC on demand , hate the charting wheré did the spontanous sex go ?
I feel so lonely somtimes as my husband doesnt spontanously talk about those things , its always me bringing up the subject : what will we do if we wont be able to conceive ?
And he just avoids the topic : " We can not think about that now he says we have to keep trying "
then Im left alone with my fear and my thoughts .
Why is he so different to me ?

I want to be my normal self : optimistic and active but I find it hard , will I ever be like that again ?
Oh this post is so negative but I wont stop it now as I want to write down my feelings as they are today , I dont want to try to be someone else : a happier version of myself.Here I want to be honnest .
At work I try to pretend that everything is ok , I smile and joke and yes many times it is genuine as I have good days too but it hard to keep smiling when you have a bad day.
Im happy that I have my job allthesame as it forces me to get out of bed and be active which I need sometimes .It gives me distraction.

I have been serching for words of hope from the Bible and my new mantra is " Dont be afraid " from John 14:27 " Peace I leave with you , my piece I give you .I do not give to you as the world gives.Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid "
This is what I repeat in my mind when waking up at night with bad dreams .
I need to stop being afraid and trust God that he has something good for me in the future.
Im working on this . " Do not be afraid " I wish my trust was stronger .I wish I could just delete the sadness and fear in me .
I am thinking about talking to a therapist , I called up a clinic and left my number to get an appointment and they tried to call me last week but I couldnt answer as I was busy at work .
Now I have to call them again this week.
Sorry this post is so sad .
I do have something nice to look forward to this Easter , my brother and his girlfriend are coming to visit us and I do look forward to that a lot .

WORDS OF HOPE

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid

1 Peter 5:6-7
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.


The blessed Lord condensed it all into one single message of eternal comfort spoken to the disciples on the Sea of Galilee, It is I, be not afraid. He is the antidote to fear; He is the remedy for trouble; He is the substance and the sum of deliverance. We should, therefore, rise above fear. Let us keep our eyes fastened upon Him; let us abide continually in Him; let us be content with Him. Let us cling closely to Him and cry, Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea (
his is whaTt the LORD says—he who made a way through the sea,
a path through the mighty waters...
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:16, 18-19

Am I going crazy? a week in TTC-world

This week has been a rollercoaster pending between hope , dissapointment and back to hope again.
All this depending on the result on the OPK -stick.....
Monday: didnt think its the right time yet.... was still visiting my sister after helping her with the move, she got a horrible gastroenteritis so I took care of her , got her some groceries and cooked some soup .Came home late in the evening .Did the samba,mambo and so on with hubby just in case....

Tuesday: Felt good even if I didnt think it was time for ovulation yet ( Wednesday was the day according to charting calendar)
Went out with hubby to favourite Italian restaurant for pizza and antipasti after work : ) What a great preludium for TTC !
In the evening began to feel worse: The gastroenteritis probably was winter vomiting disease :(
Spent too much time in the bathroom that night..... did I mention TTC ? was I ever thinking about it ?

Wednesday: Knocked out , in bed with high temp ( Concerned about not being able to do the charting because of the fever )
My hopes down because TTC not possible when having gastroenteritis : (

Thursday : Still weak but better :) Desoriented because I couldnt do the charting properly, did I miss the ovulation day? ( Thinking ok it wasnt meant to be this month ) Depressed.....
WHEN will it work????

Friday: No I wont give up ....temperature still not high as after ovulation ....I try the OPK
OPK shows O :(

Saturday : Desperate ! One more OPK shows O , temperature still not up . Oh there is something wrong with me ! 3 days delayed ovulation ! my body is failing me ....why oh why ? depressed again...

Sunday : OPK -stick shows : ) !!!! Ovulation was delayed because of tummybug! Im exhausted from all the worrying....my mind set on thinking this cycle is lost .
Have to readjust ....get into TTC mode .....GET INTO TTC MODE !
puh! .....
( Hubby must think Im crazy changing mood all the time and can you blame him? )
I need to relax !
How do I do ? How do I stop focuse so much on this ?
Is it possible ?
Give all the worries to our Higher Power ?
Im going to think about this the next few days ( I hope not the next few weeks....;) )

First post

Hi

I decided to start my own blog after hesitating for a long time .
Do I have something to say here ? Can I add something meaningful ?
I dont know , but today I feel I want to be able to share my thoughts and maybe get some feedback from others.
Blogging is new to me but I have followed my friends blogs here , friends that I have never met in real life but that I care about very much and that have helped me through so many hard days.
I have met them through the website " ourmiscarriage" that I found one day when I was very sad and down after suffering a miscarriage in May 2009 .I had a missed miscarriage at w 7 + 4 but I thought I was nearly 11 weeks pregnant at the time when it happened .This was our first pregnancy and it was so devastating to have the joy of pregnancy terminated .

Less than 3 months after, in early August 2009 , my father passed away.

The last year has been one of the worst in my life, the dreams I had for my life were crushed and I have cried a lot but at the same time my heart was filled with thankfullness and hope as I have got so much support and care from girls being in a similar situation .I never thought it was possible to get so much help from people you have never met in real life .
I consider it magic , or a gift from God .
I came to realize that the people that were closest to me , my family and my friends didnt know how to handle my situation , didnt know how to comfort me and I have understood that if you havent experienced a loss yourself its very hard to understand how it feels like for someone else.

Since the summer 2009 I have followed four beautiful woman through their journeys in life , woman that I met on the website " ourmiscarriage" and that have become very close to my heart ,to know them has made me a better person and has helped me to cope with my grief .
I am not a native english speaker but I still want to try to post in english as I want to be in touch with the wonderful people I have met .
Me and my husband are now trying to conceive again but it hasnt been as straight forward as I thought - nearly six months has passed since we started to try but still no positive HPT .
I try to stay patient as I know that sometimes it can take some time and we havent tried for a year yet but ideally I would want to see that plus sign ASAP....
I thank God for having met people that understand me and " walk" through this journey together with me even if our journeys are different .
Thank you Andrea ,Deni, Nancy and Shandrea for sharing your thoughts and giving me inspiration to stay hopeful and positive , you are the best friends I could have wished for.
You understand , you care to pick me up when Im down and you can make me laugh and make me see the positives .
I wish we could meet up on a regular basis and talk , laugh but also cry if we need to, I know we would enjoy eachothers company.
This is only a dream now as we live in different states and on different continents but I am so happy to know you and to be able to share my life and thoughts with you.

Love Angie